


Just Earth Things

by Lady_Panthea



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: It is a mess and will continue to be so, It's just a bunch of shorts about life, Kinda Klance, Memes, No one's sanity is safe, The paladins confuse aliens with Earth things, basically all those shit posts on tumblr turned into one big mess of a fic, fandom references, the memes are everywhere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2018-09-24 22:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 47,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9790526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Panthea/pseuds/Lady_Panthea
Summary: Shiro is six and the Paladins take great pleasure in confusing the hell out of their Altean friends with normal Earth things. Memes, music and the usual teenage shenanigans ensue.





	1. Shiro is how old?

“Wait,” Lance said, turning to look at Shiro, “Your birthday is the 29th of February?”

“Yes?” The black paladin looked confused. “Why does it matter?”

“Cause it means you’re like six. Why are you the leader of Voltron? You’re too young for a job like this! Someone more mature should be responsible.”

Shiro just sighed, already knowing the joke was going to be sticking around for a while. He was proven correct at dinner.

“Eat your vegetables Shiro,” Pidge said with a shit eating grin. “You need vitamins if you want to grow up big and strong.”

“Oh for god’s sake, not you too,” Shiro groaned. “Shut it, Pidge.”

“Shiro!” Lance exclaimed in mock outrage. “You can’t talk to her like that! Respect your elders!”

The other paladins snickered at their leader’s exasperation while Allura and Coran looked on in confusion. 

“Why are you treating Shiro like that? I thought Pidge was the youngest paladin.” Allura questioned, the befuddlement clear on her face.

“Indeed Princess,” Hunk replied. “But that was before we found out Shiro’s real age.”

“His real age?” Coran questioned. “I thought he had lived through 25 of your Earth rotations!”

“So did we,” Lance said his expression the picture of seriousness, “but apparently he lied. I don’t know how he forged his Garrison documents. After all, they wouldn’t have let a toddler in.”

“He’s six!” Pidge crowed in delight. “Which means I’m not the youngest anymore!”

The Alteans still looked very confused. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Shiro tried to comfort them. “The joke will get old eventually.”

“Ah, but you never will,” Lance replied with a smirk.

“Oh for fucks sake,” Keith groaned, already getting annoyed by the blue paladin’s antics. This did nothing to discourage Lance.

“Keith!” He cried in shock. “You can’t say that in front of a child!” Shiro, however, seemed to agree with his all but adopted brother.

“This is fucking ridiculous.”

“Shiro, where did you learn such foul language! Keith you’re supposed to take care of your little brother!” Lance clutched Hunk’s arm for support. “Hunk, we have failed as parents. Our little boy is swearing because of a horribly mulleted influence. What ever shall we do?”

“The only thing we can,” Hunk replied seriously, going along with his best friends antics and turning to Shiro. “Shiro, I’m sorry but you are grounded.”

“No,” Shiro said, standing from the table. “I’m done with this. Good night Princess, Coran. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Don’t forget your bed time!” Lance called as the door shut behind the black paladin’s exasperated form.

Allura turned to the paladins, hoping for an explanation now that their main source of entertainment had beaten a tactical retreat.

“Why are you saying these things?” She questioned. “You’re all acting like Shiro is a small child.”

“That’s because Shiro is a youngling Princess.” Lance replied with a grin.

“He’s only six,” Pidge continued. 

“Maybe one day he will be old enough to know adult things but right now, he’s too small,” Hunk finished.

Grabbing Keith, the four fled the room, only stopping once they’d left the earshot of the now even more confused Alteans.

Turning to his fellow paladins, Lance spoke.

“All in agreement?”

“Yup,” Hunk answered.

“Oh hell yes, this is too much fun to pass up.” Was Pidge’s reply.

“Agreement to what?” It was Keith’s turn to be confused apparently.

“To never explain leap years to Allura and Coran.” Lance said with a smirk. “They made fun of us for not understanding a bunch of alien stuff, I think it’s only fair that we get pay back.”

“Oh,” the red paladin said, understanding dawning. “In that case yeah. We can let them and Shiro suffer for a bit longer. Should we find more stuff to confuse them?”

“Keith my man,” Lance’s smile was blinding and the slightest bit manic, “I like how you think.”


	2. Never Gonna Give You Up

Despite their plans to confuse the Alteans, the paladins got caught in life aboard the castle and had almost forgotten their ideas. This changed when the team was awoken by soft music coming from the castle speakers.

‘We're no strangers to love  
You know the rules and so do I  
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of  
You wouldn't get this from any other guy’

“No,” Pidge muttered in horror, looking at the speakers. “Anything but this.”

‘I just want to tell you how I'm feeling  
Gotta make you understand’

When Allura woke to strange earth music, she listened with curiosity, wondering what the paladins were up too now. Was this some strange earth tradition? Was it a ritual? She ventured from her room as the song picked up the pace.

‘Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you’

“LANCE!”

She stopped in her tracks as she saw Pidge barreling down the hallway chasing a cackling Lance.

“How dare you! You piece of shit!”

“Aww come on Pidge!” Lance laughed as he ran, “It’s just a bit of fun!”

“If you ever Rick-Roll me again, I will make your life an ever living hell,” the small paladin promised, still chasing her blue counterpart.

Allura just shook her head and made her way to the dining room. Hopefully one of the other paladins would explain this time.

Seeing Shiro as she entered the room she decided to look to him for answers.

“Shiro? Could you explain?”

“That, Princess was Lance being a horrible horrible person,” he replied unhelpfully, glaring murderously at the speakers.

After seven repetitions of the song, Pidge finally managed to find where Lance had plugged in his iPod and shut off the music. The number of glares Lance got at the breakfast table was probably record breaking but it was nothing compared to the looks he received when the paladins discovered that Coran had quickly memorized the song as could be found singing it at all hours of the day.

“I hate you,” Pidge grumbled from her place on the couch a week later. 

“Aww come on Pidgey, you love me really,” Lance replied. “We do need to give Coran a new song though. Even I’m getting annoyed.”

It only took a few more days for Allura to come begging for a new song.

“Please, paladins. I cannot take this for much longer. He is insisting that he should sing Earth songs to make you more comfortable. Just give him something else!”

Pidge turned to Lance, “Gimmie your iPod.”

“Why mine? Don’t you have one?”

“Yeah but you have Britney right?” Pidge replied, snatching the device and plugging it into the castle. “Let’s give them a ‘traditional Earth ballad.’” She said with a smirk, clicking Britney Spears ‘Toxic’ and letting the music spread through the ship for everyone to hear.


	3. No Netflix, No Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The paladins face the true horror of space.

“PIDGE!!” Lance shouted as he ran into the rec room where she was sitting with Allura and Hunk, working on her latest project. “Please tell me you have a way to access Earth internet.”

“No, Lance,” she replied with a sigh. “I told you this the other day. We can’t access it, we’re too far out.”

“But, but… DANNY!”

“Who?” Allura asked.

“DANNY! Daenerys! My girl! I need to know what happened to Khaleesi!!! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME HANGING! DANNY! NOOOOOO!!! I NEED TO GO BACK!” Lance shouted as he collapsed against Hunk on the couch.

“Lance,” Hunk sighed, “Calm down. It’s just a show. You can catch up when we get back to Earth.”

“Um, how about no? What about Hell’s Kitchen?” Lance snapped, clearly irritated. “Pidge,” he said seriously as turned to her once more. “You don’t understand how bad this is. You’re going to miss Doctor Who.”

Pidge’s look of disinterest turned to horror. “Oh god. No. Allura!” She spun to look at the Princess imploringly. “Please, please, please tell me there is a way we can get access to the Earth’s internet. It is necessary to our survival.”

“I’m sorry Pidge, Lance. There really is no way.” She replied sadly. “Though maybe if you explain we can find an Altean equivalent to replace it?”

“How. Dare. You.” Lance breathed. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, can replace Danny. She is my Queen. I will not be swayed by some cheap imitation!”

The rants and supplications to Allura about them needing Earth internet access continued until both collapsed onto the floor, contemplating and regretting the choices that led to them being trapped on the Castle of Lions, isolated from the good things in life. 

“What’s up with them?” Keith asked as he and Shiro walked into the room.

“They just realised that HBO and BBC don’t reach space,” Hunk replied with a sigh.

“Really guys? Shiro, please tell them they’re being ridiculous. They’ll probably listen to you,” Keith turned to the black paladin only to find that his face had morphed into one of abject horror.

“Downton Abbey. I missed the end of Downton Abbey because of the Kerberos mission,” he murmured, before collapsing to the floor and huddling with Pidge and Lance in misery.

“Oh for the love of God,” Keith exclaimed. “Get yourselves together! What if someone attacks right now! You’re in no condition to fight!”

“I don’t want to live in a world without Netflix,” Lance moaned.

Allura however was fed up with the inexplicable dramatics. “Would someone please explain!”

Mutters and moans were her only answers.


	4. Cha Cha Real Smooth

The inhabitants of the Castle of Lions were once again in the rec room after a successful battle and Lance has decided to attempt to expose Allura and Coran to more Earth music and was letting his iPod play through music. They were all lounging on the couches but the opening beats of the next song had Lance jumping to his feet.

_‘This is something new; The Casper slide part 2_  
_Featuring the platinum band; And this time_  
_We're going to get funky; Funky’_

“Hunk! Come on my man! I want a partner!” He called, as he danced his way around the room.

_‘Everybody clap your hands_  
_Clap, clap, clap, Clap your hands_  
_Clap, clap, clap, Clap your hands_  
_Alright now, we going to do the basic step; To the left’_

The two boys moved in unison as the Alteans looked on in curiosity.

_‘Take it back now y'all; One hop this time_  
_Right foot let's stomp; Left foot let's stomp_  
_Cha cha real smooth’_

“Pidge girl! I need you here!” Lance dragged yet another into his dance.

_‘Turn it out; To the left_  
_Take it back now y'all; One hop this time’_

“Shiro! Keith!” Lance and Hunk pulled the other two to their feet, dragging them into line. “You know the dance. Now join in and stop being boring.”

_‘Right foot let's stomp; Left foot let's stomp_  
_Cha cha now y'all; Now it's time to get funky_  
_To the right now; To the left_  
_Take it back now y'all_  
_One hop this time; One hop this time’_

“Hey Priness!” Lance cried happily, “Catch!” And with that he hip checked Shiro so he stumbled into Allura’s arms.

“Sorry Princess,” the black paladin said with a blush.

_‘Right foot two stomps; Left foot two stomps_  
_Slide to the left; Slide to the right’_

“No worries,” she replied with a smile. “Teach me the dance?” 

_‘Criss-cross; Criss-cross’_

At this line, Coran tried to copy the paladins which resulted in some rather hilarious flails until he managed to get a hold of the basic movements.

_‘Cha cha real smooth; Let's go to work_  
_To the left; Take it back now y'all_  
_Two hops this time; Two hops this time_  
_Right foot two stomps; Left foot two stomps_  
_Hands on your knees; Hands on your knees_  
_Get funky with it; Ohhhhhhh yeah_  
_Come on; Cha cha now y'all’_

“Is this some kind of Earthling ritual?” Coran asked. “It is quite fascinating.”

“Nah,” Hunk replied. “It’s just a dance that everyone knows for some reason.”

“Cause it’s fun!” Lance retorted with a huge grin, adding random hip movements and shimmies to his dancing. 

“More like annoying,” Keith muttered under his breath.

“Nope,” Lance cackled, grabbing Keith by the hands. “No being grouchy. It’s time for fun. Dance with me Keithy boy.”

Ignoring the red paladin’s protests, Lance dragged him along as the entire group attempted to dance to the song. The gang eventually collapsed into heaps of laughter, even the ever grumpy Keith having to admit that he had enjoyed himself.

“Well,” Lance said, an exhausted grin on his face as he turned to the Alteans, “It seems we’ll make Earth experts of you yet!”

“Yeah,” Pidge replied, also grinning. “Just a few hundred more pop culture references to go before you’ll be one of the locals.”


	5. To Infinity and Beyond

The paladins sat in their lions, waiting for Allura to open a portal for their latest mission. 

“So I’ve been meaning to ask,” Keith said, “Does anyone else get Stargate vibes from this? Cause whenever I see one, it’s all I can think about.”

“Really?” Pidge asked, “I think it looks more like the time vortex to me. I keep getting the theme song stuck in my head when we go through.”

“I’m sorry what?” Allura asked over the com.

“I mean, it basically punches a hole through space time right?” Pidge continued. “We go through some colourful tunnel and come out somewhere else.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Lance interrupted. “Are you comparing the Castle to the TARDIS?”

“Well, yeah. Basically.”

“What are they talking about?” Allura asked Coran, desperately trying to understand the strange things her paladins were saying.

“I mean I suppose your version makes sense Pidge,” Keith replied. “The gate still looks like a Stargate though.”

“I get ‘Time Warp’ every time we go through,” was Lance’s brilliant contribution. “Let’s do the Time Warp again.” He sang.

“No. Stop it. I do not need Rocky stuck in my head!” Pidge cried.

“It's just a jump to the left,” he continued, “And then a step to the right.”

“Please. Stop.” Pidge whimpered.

“With your hands on your hips,” Hunk joined his friend, “You bring you knees in tight.”

“Dooo-weee-ooooooooo,” Pidge desperately tried to drown them out by singing the Doctor Who theme. “Weee-yoo-ooooooooo.” It was ineffective.

“But it's the pelvic thrust...” They sang together, “That really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again.”

“ALL OF YOU EITHER SHUT UP OR EXPLAIN!” Allura roared. “I have had it up to here with you talking about things we don’t understand. Either explain them or don’t say anything!”

“Yes Mom,” Keith said, rebuked.

“Wait,” Lance paused, “Did you just call Allura mom?”

“Ma’am! I said ma’am!” He protested wildly.

“Umm, no.” Pidge hummed. “Pretty sure you said mom.”

“Do you see me as a maternal figure Keith?” The princess asked.

“No!” The red paladin swore uselessly. 

“No, wait. Guys,” Hunk said, “It makes sense.”

“How?” Lance questioned.

“I mean, Allura’s Team Mom isn’t she?”

“And Shiro’s Space Dad!” Pidge quipped.

“Don’t drag me into this!” Shiro protested. 

“Too late… Dad.” Lance said with a grin.

“Well in that case you’re all grounded. No music for a week and no access to games.”

“What?” They cried. “Why?”

“Because you’re being disrespectful.”

“Worst. Parents. Ever.” Lance groaned.


	6. Stella Ella

“Bored,” Lance whined from his position collapsed upside down on the couch. “So. Very. Bored!”

“You can play one of your phone games,” Keith suggested.

“No, I can’t,” Lance replied. “I beat them all.”

“Wait, don’t you have Candy Crush?” Pidge looked up from her laptop.

“Exactly! I don’t even know how! There just aren’t anymore levels! I’d honestly scrabble right now, and I hate that game.”

“Why could ask Coran if they have any Altean games on board,” Hunk suggested.

“Been there, done that, none of them make sense.” Lance droned. “If only we had a deck of cards. Teaching Coran poker would be awesome.”

“Probably,” Pidge agreed.

“Hey Lance,” Hunk said, recalling something the two of them did back at the garrison when Lance missed his sibling. “Do you remember Hanky Panky?”

“Duh,” he answered, jumping from his seat. “Was that a challenge big man?”

“Sure buddy. Come at me.”

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, the yellow and blue faced off in an intense staring battle. 

“I’m winning this,” Lance insisted. “I am the King of clapping games.”

“Whatever you say,” Hunk replied with a smirk. 

Bringing up their hands, they started the game.

“Down by the banks of the Hanky-Panky  
Where the bull frogs jump from bank to banky,  
They go Oops! Ops! And Belly flops!  
One missed the lily pad and went KERPLOP!”

They sang in unison. Finishing that song, they went on to something about a Chinese restaurant and bread, then a piccolo.

“How long are the gonna keep this up?” Keith asked.

“They sometimes went for hours back home,” Pidge replied. “At least they haven’t dragged us into it yet.”

“Guys!” Lance called.

“I spoke too soon,” Pidge muttered under her breath.

“We’re doing Stella Elle Ola.”

“No thanks,” Keith replied.

“What, are you scared I’m going to beat you?” Lance asked with a confident smirk.

“No, I’m just not an oversized child.”

“Keeeiiiiith,” Lance whined, launching himself at the red paladin and latching on to his legs. “Play with us!”

“Oh Jesus Christ! Fine! Just get off me!” He snapped, kicking to dislodge Lance.

“Yay!”

Allura walked down the castle corridor in search of the paladins, Shiro wanted to run a training exercise later and she wished to inform them. Nearing the rec room, she heard strange chanting coming from within.

“Stella ella ola, clap clap clap, say yes chico chico, chico chico chop.” 

Glancing through the door, she saw the four paladins sitting in a circle holding hands as they clapped rhythmically by slapping each other’s hands.

“Say es chico chico, below, below, the toilet over flows. Say 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.”

As they counted, they seemed to speed up simultaneously.

“6. 7. 8. 9.” 

It was Lance’s turn to hit Keith’s hand but he paused dramatically, seaming to build up to ten. He half brought his hand down a couple of times, closely watching Keith’s palm where it rested in his.

With a triumphant cry of “10!” Lance brought his hand down only for Keith to pull back at the last second, allowing Lance to hit his own hand with a resounding smack. Lance collapsed to the floor as Hunk and Pidge laughed at him and Keith looked on with a proud smirk.

Allura figured telling them about training could wait. Humans were strange, she decided. And their methods of entertainment even more so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, how did something I'm making up as I go along get over 100 kudos??? Thanks guys! I'll try to update when I can and thanks to everyone who's sending me suggestions. I have added quite a few new ideas to my list :P see you soon!


	7. Are we... Magical Girls?

Lance burst into the control room, skidding to a stop in front of everyone.  
“OH MY GOD GUYS!! WE’RE LIKE THE SPACE VERSION OF POWER RANGERS!” He exclaimed.

“You’ve only just realized?” Pidge replied uninterestedly. “Though if anything, were more like Gundam pilots.”

“Or Transformers,” Hunk piped up.

“Oh god, no. I do not want to be in any way associated to Shia LaBeouf,” Lance protested.

“Dude, it’s a fucking magical girl transformation,” Keith said, all turning to face him. “I mean have you seen what happens every time we form Voltron?”

“Are you saying we’re in Sailor Moon? Does that make _Shiro_ Sailor Moon?” 

“I’m not an anime character!” Shiro exclaimed.

“I hate to break it to you buddy but you look like the love child of Kakashi and Iruka,” Lance said as he patted his leader patronizingly on the shoulder. 

“Of course you watch Naruto,” Keith muttered.

“Shut up, it’s my little brother’s favourite!”

“Dude,” Hunk said, “The Naruto merch in our dorm room at garrison says otherwise.”

“Shut up! Anyways, Keith doesn’t belong in a magical girl transformation unless it’s like, Kill la Kill and there’s blood involved.”

“Lance,” Pidge asked, her glasses glinting alarmingly. “Are you saying you would want to see Keith wearing something like Senketsu?”

“Wait what?” Lance asked.

“Cause the entire point of that outfit is that it covers as little as possible,” Pidge continued with a Cheshire-like grin.

All Lance could do was blush and stutter in horror before yelling about having something to do and running away. 

“Pidge?” Allura asked with a sigh, “I don’t know what you did but please stop breaking your fellow paladins. We need them in working order if we’re ever going to defeat Zarkon.”

“Yes Mom!”

“And don’t call me Mum!”

“Yes Mom,” she said again as she grabbed her laptop and skipped happily from the room.


	8. Who killed a man?

“ _Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?_ ” Pidge sang, “ _Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality._ ”

“ _Open your eyes,_ ” Lance joined, “ _Look up to the skies and see._ ” 

“ _I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,_ ” it was Keith’s voice who sang the line much to the other paladin’s surprise.

“ _Because I'm easy come, easy go,_  
_Little high, little low,_  
_Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me._ ” 

All the paladins were singing now. 

“What are they singing?” Allura asked Shiro only for him to shake his head unhelpfully. 

“Don’t interrupt Queen,” he said.

“How many queens does Earth have!” She exclaimed only to have Pidge turn to her and sing with passion.

“ _Mama, just killed a man,_  
_Put a gun against his head,_  
_Pulled my trigger, now he's dead._  
_Mama, life had just begun,_  
_But now I've gone and thrown it all away._ ”

“Pidge! What are you saying! Who did you kill!” Allura all but screamed. Instead of answering the four other paladins turned to her and sang again.

“ _Mama, ooh,_  
_Didn't mean to make you cry,_  
_If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,_  
_Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters._ ” 

“What is going on! Coran! Do something!”

“ _Too late, my time has come,_  
_Sends shivers down my spine,_  
_Body's aching all the time._  
_Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,_  
_Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth._ ” 

Lance was kneeling in front of Allura at this point, acting like he was praying for his life.

“ _Mama, ooh (any way the wind blows),_  
_I don't wanna die,_  
_I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all._ ” 

The paladins all sang before waving their hands like they were playing some form of invisible instrument as Lance wailed some notes in the background. They suddenly stopped as the tempo of Lance’s singing changes. They all started bopping up and down.

“ _I see a little silhouetto of a man,_ ” Lance said.

“ _Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?_ ” The others replied before screaming, “ _Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me._ ”

They continued answering each other as they took turns singing lines.  
“ _(Galileo) Galileo._  
_(Galileo) Galileo,_  
_Galileo Figaro_  
_Magnifico-o-o-o-o._ ” 

“How is this still the same song?” Allura wailed. 

“I don’t know Princess,” Coran answered, “But it is rather catchy.”

“ _I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me._ ” Keith sang again.

“ _He's just a poor boy from a poor family. Spare him his life from this monstrosity._ ” The paladins said, looking at Allura imploringly.

“Why would I kill him?” Allura asked.

“ _Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?_ ” Keith said on his knees.

“ _Bismillah! No, we will not let you go,_ ” Pidge and Shiro sang from behind Allura.

“ _Let him go!_ ” Lance and Hunk begged from beside Keith.

They continued, Hunk and Lance begging of Keith’s life as Shiro and Pidge denied them.  
“ _Bismillah! We will not let you go. (Let him go!)_  
_Bismillah! We will not let you go. (Let me go!)_  
_Will not let you go. (Let me go!)_  
_Never, never let you go._  
_Never let me go, oh._  
_No, no, no, no, no, no, no._ ” 

“Why does this always happen?” Allura sighed, letting herself be dragged along by the paladins latest amusement.

“ _Oh, mama mia, mama mia (Mama mia, let me go.)_  
_Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me._ ” 

There was more flailing on invisible instruments before Shiro broke into the next solo.

“ _So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?_  
_So you think you can love me and leave me to die?_ ” 

He grabbed Allura’s hand, pleading with her as the other paladins whooped and cheered in the background.

“ _Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,_  
_Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here._ ” 

They ran around, dramatically playing their instruments before returning to the melody from the beginning of the song.

“ _Ooooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah,_ ” They sang softly.

“ _Nothing really matters,_ ” Lance sang softly, “ _Anyone can see, nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me._ ” 

“ _Any way the wind blows._ ” The five sang the last line before all collapsing onto the floor like puppets with cut strings.

“Well thank god that’s over,” Pidge said, leaping to her feet. “Its been stuck in my head for weeks.”

“Same,” Hunk replied.

“Can one of you please explain?” Allura begged. 

“Nope,” Lance and Keith replied simultaneously.

“Come on guys,” Shiro called the others. “Time for training.”

“Boo,” Pidge said, “I wanted to work on Rover.”

“You can work on your robot later. For now, we need to do some team building exercises.”

“Dude,” Lance said, turning to look at Shiro. “We just sang the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody without messing up. I think that’s a pretty good team building exercise.”

“True,” Shiro answered, “but we need to run a couple battle simulations on the training deck, I don’t think we can defeat Zarkon by singing at him.”

“We could if we isolated Lance’s voice,” Keith suggested.

“Excuse you mullet man, my voice is a gift from the angels.”

Still squabbling, the paladins left for the training deck, leaving behind a pair of confused Alteans.

“We shall have to ask them for even more Earth music. I thought they had showed us everything they had,” Coran said.

“Did they say something about killing a man?” Allura questioned, “Is that normal for human’s? We must do more research to understand their culture Coran.”

“Indeed Princess. Shall I ask Lance to prepare a presentation with the others about Earth?”

“That may be a good idea.”


	9. Memeducation - Part 1

“Ah Lance, just the paladin I wanted to see,” Coran said as he walked into the rec room where Lance, Hunk, Keith and Shiro sat.

“Sup Coran the man. What can I do for you?”

“Well the Princess and I were wondering if you would be amiable to the suggestion of creating a presentation about Earthling culture so that we might better understand events like this morning.”

“I could probably throw something together,” the blue paladin replied with a smile.

“Thank you very much Lan-” Coran was interrupted by Pidge bursting into the room.

“HERE COME DAT BOI!” She yelled.

“OH SHIT WHADDUP!” Lance replied without hesitation.

“What the hell?” Keith asked, only to have Pidge and Lance look at him like they had never seen him before.

“Keith. Buddy,” Lance pleaded. “Please tell me you know Dat Boi.”

“Who?” Was the confused reply.

“Oh god. Pidge help me out here,” Lance said helplessly. “And his name is?”

“JOHN CENA!” Pidge roared.

They looked at Keith hopefully only to see more confusion. “Like the wrestler? What does he have to do with this?” 

“Lance,” Pidge said with a serious expression. “We have a duty to perform. Look at all these poor uncorrupted souls!”

“I know my friend. I know,” he turned to Coran. “We’ll do that presentation you wanted. It will just be a little different from what I originally thought.”

A few days later, the two of them rounded up the castle’s inhabitants and dragged them in front of a large screen. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we have discovered that you are horribly uneducated and thus we have gather you here today to teach you a thing,” Lance said.

“So, here’s what you missed while you were living in a shack without wifi, abducted by aliens or asleep for ten thousand years.” Pidge continued, turning on the screen so it displayed a slide that loudly proclaimed this to be ‘Meme Education for Dummies.’

“Please excuse the quality of some memes as they had to be recreated due to the fact that they weren’t all saved on my phone,” Lance finished their introduction before clicking to the first page. “Let’s begin with some classics.”

The next slide featured a pastry with a cat face that was trailing rainbows through space while singing a repetitive song. 

“This is Nyan Cat,” Lance proclaimed. “An ear worm that will be stuck in your head for hours on end.”

“That’s why there are versions of it on the internet that last 24 hours,” Pidge said.

“Like the one I have on my phone!”

“Which I have banned him from playing during this presentation.”

“Thank god,” Hunk groaned from his seat. “I do not want to live through that again.”

“Hunk, it was great and you know it. Now then. Next up we have doge. One of the masters of the internet.”

“He is usually accompanied by various sayings like ‘very doge’ and ‘much fluff’ and almost always, ‘wow’.”

“For example, here is Shiro as doge when he finally turns 18.”

“Next,” Pidge continued, “we have alien guy. Probably the most well-known conspiracy theorist on the internet.”

“He basically blamed most of history on aliens. And here he is combined with the last meme we saw.”

“Oh lord, get that monstrosity away from me,” Hunk muttered from the couch.

The presentation continued as Lance and Pidge explained a variety of memes and internet references that had made an impact in the past couple of years. There was something about a debate on the colour of the stripes on a dress, the fist of an animated character, the Mannequin Challenge, stuffing breadsticks into your purse and a phenomenon called planking Which just seemed to be people lying down and getting in the way of everyone else.

“Now next up is the cinnamon roll meme. Pidge and I decided to do it with you guys since it would make more sense,” Lance said. 

“So first up we have the one who looks like a cinnamon roll, is actually a cinnamon roll,” Pidge said. “Which in our group would probably be Lance.”

“The one who looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you is Pidge.”

“Looks like they could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll is you, Shiro”

“Cinnamon roll dad,” Lance said with a chuckle. “Now then the one who looks like they could kill you and could actually kill you is Keith.”

“Doesn’t that complete the set?” Allura asked. “I though you said you’d included all the paladins.”

“Now you see that’s the thing, the last category is so obviously Hunk it’s not even funny,” Pidge answered.

“Hunk would kill you by feeding you too many cinnamon rolls,” Lance stated with a grin. “Trust me. It almost happened once.”

They ignored Hunk’s protests that it wasn’t his fault and continued their presentation.

“One of the next ones is when you lose someone in a crowd and need to find them. Here is our example.”

‘*Paladins lose Shiro in a crowd*’

“Hey! Why did I get lost!”

“Cause you’re six. Now hush, I want to see where this is going.”

‘Paladins: Desperate times call for desperate measures.  
*yell at the top of their lungs* KEITH SUCKS!  
Red Lion: *crashes through the wall* WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY SON!  
Shiro: WHO SAID THAT!  
Paladins: ….. Found him. And hi Red.’

“That would probably happen,” Shiro said with a sigh. “That lion is strangely protective of you Keith.”

“Big Red is Keith’s space mom,” a smirking Lance replied. “She and Allura have regular custody battles.”

After the brief tangent, they returned to the scheduled programming. They explained left shark and long cat, Netflix and Chill and its many variations, Gold Stars, bottle flipping, that’s what she said jokes, Miley what’s good, and Harambe. The victims of their presentation were all but drowning in information and Lance and Pidge seemed nowhere near done. When they finally paused, the audience gave a collective sigh of relief and groaned when they realised they were merely moving to another section of the presentation.

“Now for song memes,” Pidge said before playing through a variety of videos that has apparently been on Lance’s phone. There were some Shiro and Keith seemed to be familiar with like Adele’s ‘Hello’ but they had apparently completely missed the huge phases that had occurred with ‘Hot Line Bling,’ ‘Gangnam Style,’ and ‘What does the fox say.’

“Why a fox? And what does it say?” Coran questioned, highly interested in learning more about Earth. None of the paladins could answer him. 

“It honestly sounds like a scream,” Keith stated from his seat. “I used to hear them in the desert sometimes.”

“Weeelllll, ignoring that! Next song!” Lance exclaimed. “I’m too hot!”

“Hot damn. Call a police and a fireman.” 

“I’m too hot,” Hunk joined the two at the front who seemed to have a choreography for the song.

“Hot damn,” Pidge and Lance replied. “Make a dragon wanna retire man.”

“I’m too hot.” It was Pidge’s turn apparently.

“Hot damn. Say my name you know who I am.”

“I’m too hot, hot damn. Am I bad ‘bout that money. Break it down.” They sang together before collapsing into a heap of giggles.

“We should finish the presentation,” Lance said from the floor.

“How about we continue tomorrow?” Allura suggested instead. “There has been quite a bit of information given and I for one would like some time to absorb it.”

“Sure Princess. We can finish this another time. It will give us a chance to find more material anyways!”

“How much more is there!” She exclaimed.

“Never underestimate the internet,” Pidge told her seriously. “Especially tumblr. It is the gravest mistake you can make.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm still working on part two of the presentation but this is taking far longer than I thought it would. I'll try to finish it asap. And I'm sorry for the mess that is memes.


	10. Memeducation - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves awkwardly* Ummm, hi guys. Sorry it took so long. Memes are surprisingly hard to write about and University is a cruel mistress. But! Now that I have finished writing about Medieval Queenship, we are back for more ways the paladins can confuse the poor innocent aliens around them.

“Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome back to our wonderful regularly scheduled programming,” Lance exclaimed as everyone gathered for the continuation of the meme presentation.

“Lance, after this, you are no longer allowed to do presentations about earth.” Shiro deadpanned. “This is a mess and we don’t need to confuse Allura and Coran with even more things.”

“Why must you ruin all my fun dad?” Lance replied with a pout.

“Well at least I haven’t been banned,” Pidge said. “But now. On with the show!”

“Let’s start with _'Don’t talk to me or my child'_ ,” Lance bounced in front of the screen. “For example, Keith has on many occasions told me to ‘Never speak to him or his giant robotic space cat again.’ Which is an order I have obviously ignored cause he would miss me too much.”

“Stop dragging me into this!” Keith groaned from the couch.

“You mad bro?” Lance said with a smirk, clicking through the slides. “Thanks for that by the way, it was the next meme after all.”

“Now then, look at your man,” Pidge said, both her and Lance hiding a smirk when Allura glanced at Shiro, “now back to me, now back to your man, now back to me. I’m on a lion.”

“How the hell did you even get Green in here without us noticing!” Hunk yelled in surprise.

“Cloaking,” Pidge said with a smirk.

“Put Green back in her hanger Pidge,” Allura said with a sigh.

“Off you go girl.” Pidge patted her lion on the head and watched it amble out of the room, somehow making its way back to the hanger.

“Now that that’s over… DAB!” Lance yelled as he and Pidge posed by the screen in front of a picture of Instinct’s Spark doing to same thing.

“What? What is dabbing? What does it mean?” Allura hoped they would answer her for once.

“No answers,” Lance intoned solemnly. “Only memes.”

“Damn Lance! Back at it again with the dank memes!” Pidge laughed.

The next slide showed two green frogs facing each other, one wearing a sinister hood. The text on the slide read:

_Me: I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this._  
_Me to me: Overreact._

“Congrats you played yourself,” Hunk muttered from the couch.

“Thank you for that lovely contribution to memes Hunk. Now let’s have more Evil Kermit,” Pidge said, clicking to the next slide.

_*gets kicked out of the Garrison*_  
_Me to Me: Go live in a shack in the desert and become a conspiracy theorist._

“Hey!” Keith protested from his seat.

“Just calling it how we see it Keithy Boy.” Lance smirked. 

“And now, to proceed with the roasting of Keith,” Pidge continued with a flourish as she changed the screen once more.

“And here I thought we were friends,” said paladin muttered.

A record scratch sounded before the slide flashed to show the trial from the Blade of Marmora. 

‘So you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation,’ a voice said before the screen started flashing, finally settling on the picture of a baby with black hair and a mullet.

“How did you even get that picture!” Keith all but screamed.

“Magic.” Pidge deadpanned.

The presentation continued, exposing the Alteans to the many wonders and terrors of the internet. They talked about Joe Biden and Barack Obama, Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer, Kim Kardashian’s ass breaking the internet, ‘what are those’, ‘get you a man who can do both’, ‘good shit’ and the ‘ho don’t do it’ meme.

“For this next part we have a present for Allura.” Lance tossed her what appeared to be a shirt.

She unrolled it to find large block letters proclaiming ‘Straight Outta the Cryo-Pod’ on the front.

“God dammit Lance,” Shiro groaned from beside her. “Did you really have to?”

“Hell yeah I did! It’s awesome!”

“Fine.”

The next slide was a picture of Lance posing with Red, Blue, and Green who were posing as if ready to pounce on him the second his attention wavered. His hands positioned as if he was holding them back from attacking.

“How did you get Red to agree to do that?” Keith asked surprised. 

“She likes me.” Was Lance’s simple answer.

“But she almost never listens to me!”

“I just asked her and she moved! It’s no big deal.”

“What the hell!”

“If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure Lance is a lion whisperer.” Hunk patted Keith on the back. “He even got Black to move by asking the other day.”

“I just talk to them and sometimes they listen,” Lance cried. “It’s nothing!”

“Of course it’s something! My lion apparently like you more than me!”

“Okay boys, break it up.” Pidge interrupted the pair. “We have memes to get through.”

“I’m sorry people are so jealous of me but I can’t help it that I’m popular!” Lance exclaimed.

“Shut up Lance!”

“Boo you whore,” Lance replied.

“LANCE STOP QUOTING MEAN GIRLS!” Shiro yelled from his seat, his head buried in his hands.

“Aww come on Shiro. We're all in this together!” He sang.

“High School Musical is NOT BETTER!”

“How dare you?! High School Musical is a gift to this world!” Lance argued.

“BACK TO MEMES!” Pidge yelled. Her voice surprisingly loud for such a small person, easily drowning out the other paladins. “Thank you. Now Lance, next meme.”

“You’ve heard of Robo-Lions,” He said blankly, “now get ready for Voltron.”

“All I wanna do is see you turn into a giant robot,” Hunk sang quietyly.

“Once again, thanks for the reference Hunk,” Pidge said with a smile.

The next slide held yet another picture of Shiro. ‘I love all my children,’ it said. ‘Keith, Pidge, Hunk and *squints at smudged writing on hand* Larry.’

“Why would Shiro not remember Lance’s name?” Coran asked.

“Cause he always ignores me in favour of everyone else,” Lance replied.

“That’s not true!” Shiro exclaimed, only to be interrupted when Lance changed to the next slide.

_‘Why you always lying?’_ A voice sang from the speakers as Lance raised his eyebrow at Shiro. When he tried to speak again, Lance spoke once more.

“Sorry Shiro, we're the in the middle of a presentation. Please don’t interrupt.”

“Very well,” Shiro said with a sigh, knowing he wouldn’t be able to talk to Lance right now. “We will be having a conversation about this later though.”

“Oooo, he used the Dad voice.” Pidge cackled.

“Best Space Dad,” Hunk called from is seat.

“Speaking of Dads,” Lance smirked, his good humour seeming to return in an instant.

Two pictures appeared on the screen. One was of Shiro before he left for the Kerberos mission, a sweet smile on his face, and the other was of him training, his eyes sparkling as he cut down gladiators with a vicious smirk. The caption read ‘He went from ‘Hello Sir, It’s Nice To Finally Meet You. I’ll have her home by six” To “You’re Daughter Calls Me Daddy Too.”’

“God damn it guys,” Shiro grumbled.

“You are going to have so much fun explaining to Matt how you ended up the father of four teenagers,” Pidge said with an evil grin. “Especially when his little sister calls you daddy in front of him.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” he stared at her in horror.

“Try me.”

“God,” Shiro groaned. “He’s going to kill me for letting you get dragged into this isn’t he.”

“Yup.”

“Will you even try to save me or are you just going to leave me to face him alone?”

“Oh, you won’t be alone.” Before Shiro could feel even the smallest bit of relief, she continued. “I’m going to be there so I can tell him all about the shit we’ve been through.”

“You’re going to get me killed,” Shiro’s voice was completely void of emotion. “You want me dead.”

“Hey, you know me!” Pidge grinned. “I’m always a slut for causing others trouble!”

“And Keith’s a slut for training!” Lance called.

“Don’t drag me into this!”

“Ah yes, that reminds me,” Pidge finally turned back to the group. “Keith you feature in the next meme!”

“Why? Haven’t you guys done enough?”

Pidge ignored him and pulled up the next slide. It was a picture of after they had fought Sendak, the so called bonding moment. Keith held an unconscious Lance in his arms as if he was something precious. The picture was overlaid with the caption “5 minutes into bonding moment and chill and he gives you this look.” The picture was focused on Lance’s unconscious face. 

“Pidge” Lance cried out, clearly scandalised. “I thought you took that one out!”

“Hell no, it’s too good.”

“Fine. In that case I would like to know who took the time to take this picture when there was the very high possibility that I was dead or dying.”

“It was Pidge,” Hunk answered Lance.

“Way to throw me under the bus buddy. But hey I knew if you died you’d want a picture of your awesome final moments.” Pidge grinned at Lance.

“Fair enough,” the blue paladin replied with a shrug. “Now let’s wrap this up.”

“And that, ladies and gentlemen,” they said in unison, facing their audience, “was memes for dummies. Green and Blue out.”

With that, Lance and Pidge held out the mics that had suddenly appeared in their hand before dropping them and walking from the room.

“What just happened?” Allura asked, honestly more confused about earth culture than she had been before the presentation started.

“They mic dropped and left so they wouldn’t have to deal with questions.” Came Hunk’s tired reply. “It’s a thing Lance does a lot. He did it to Iverson once.”

“I’m sure that went over fantastically.” Shiro snickered.

“It’s one of the reasons he hates Lance. Don’t get me wrong. I love Lance but even I can admit he’s a piece of shit sometimes.”

“I got lost about fifteen dobashes into that presentation,” Allura said with a sigh.

“Perhaps it would be better to search the databases for information on earth,” Coran suggested.

“I believe you might be right.”

Allura rose from her seat and wandered from the room. She would never understand humans.


	11. Hey! Listen!

“Hey Pidgeotto!” Lance cried as he raced into the rec room.

“Lance, will you please stop calling me Pokémon names?” Pidge said with a sigh. “It’s getting annoying and the three evolutions are limiting your creativity.”

“Fine,” Lance pouted for a moment before grinning brightly at her. “I’ll find something else then!”

“You do that. Now, why did you come racing in here?”

“Oh, that! So, Coran and I were cleaning some of the castle rooms right? Which is far bigger than I thought by the way. Like there are hundreds of rooms. And a bunch of them still have stuff in them. There’s even a bunch of clothes! Hey, do you think the alien clothes in our closets belonged to the old paladins?” He rambled excitedly.

“Lance, the point please.”

“Yeah, sorry,” he said sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “Coran found some alien tech that he thought you might want to tinker with. He wanted to know where we should put it.”

“By the desk in Green’s hangar. I’ll have a look at it later.”

“Sounds good! Later Pidgey!”

“Find a different name!”

Lance just stuck out his tongue before running out of the room to help Coran again.

It wasn’t until the paladins were all gathered for dinner that Lance had a sudden realisation.

“Oh my god, you’re Link.”

“What?” Hunk looked up from his food, wondering what strange scenario his friend had concocted this time.

“Pidge was complaining about me calling her various Pidgey evolutions and told me to think of something else right? And I just realised. She’s Link.”

“How the hell am I like Link?” Pidge asked.

“Who is Link?” Came the expected confusion from the Alteans.

“Okay, look at it this way,” Lance said, clearly thrilled by his latest discovery. “You both wear green and have a small glowing object following you around. You’re Link.”

“Rover is NOT Navi!”

“Pidge, he even glows the right colour. I’ll grant you that he’s less annoying, who didn’t want to punch Navi by the 5th time she said ‘Hey! Listen!’ but you have to admit, the similarities are there.”

“He has a point you know,” Keith piped up.

“See?” Lance gestured. “Even Keith agrees with me. Don’t do that please. It’s creepy.”

“Fine,” Keith scowled at the blue paladin. “No need to be rude.”

“I am not Link!” Pidge protested uselessly, ignoring her squabbling teammates.

“Allura is Zelda!” Hunk exclaimed. 

“I’m what?” Poor Allura was looking more confused by the second.

“Exactly!” Lance jumped from the table, gesturing wildly.

“How is Allura Zelda?” Shiro finally joined the conversation, trying to reign in the others.

“Umm hello?” Lance waved a hand in Shiro’s face, as if checking he was awake. “Elven looking princess? Wears a purple, pinkish dress? Gives you a quest to save the universe by assembling various items to form better ones and defeat an evil overlord and save the universe? Basically every Legend of Zelda game buddy. And look at Allura. Pointed elf ears? Check. Pink and purple dress? Check. Quest to assemble items and form a better one? Oh look, its Voltron. Evil Overlord! One Zarkon coming right up. You even fought him in a twilight dimension! We’re living a Zelda game. Now if only we could fly using chickens…” He finally trailed off, seemingly having come to the end of his argument.

“Oh my god,” Pidge breathed, “he’s right.”

“I suppose he does have a point,” Shiro sighed. 

“Do you enjoy seeing others suffer through the confusion your conversations bring paladins?” Allura said with a put out look.

“Yes,” Keith immediately replied. “It makes up for all the shit we go through when you throw us into alien situations and expect us to do something that has never been mentioned before.”

Allura and Coran could do nothing but concede their point and hope that, someday, one of the paladins would take it upon themselves to explain their many conversations and help fill out the database on humans. It seemed that 10 000 years of human culture was a lot to cover.


	12. No Snakes In My Goddamn Castle

As had become the norm, the paladins were lounging in the rec room during a lull in the fight against Zarkon. In one corner, Lance and Pidge seemed to be holding a very heated debate. 

“He can’t be a puff, Hunk’s a puff and they aren’t similar,” Lance said.

“Yeah and he’s not a raven either.”

“Gryff?”

“I mean maybe? But he doesn’t fit all the traits.”

“What are they arguing about?” Keith asked Hunk quietly.

“Shiro’s Hogwarts house,” he replied with a sigh. “They decided Coran was a Ravenclaw what with all the trivia he’s constantly spewing and Allura’s a Gryffindor because who else would decide to fight an empire with a ragtag group of people and a giant robot?”

“The Princess and I will forever be connected by our house pride,” Lance crowed.

“Lance,” Hunk tried to reason with his friend, “she doesn’t even know what Hogwarts is, let alone why she should have pride in some strange title.” 

“You being a Gryff explains so much,” Keith muttered. “As for Shiro, he can be in Slytherin. With me.”

“I’m sorry you’re a WHAT!?! I knew there was a reason I didn’t like you! You evil slimy snake!

“Snakes aren’t slimy Lance,” Pidge said with a sigh.

“Shut up! You get my point! Keith is Evil!” Lance continued to rant about the perceived evilness of Keith and how everything that had gone wrong was now his fault due to his Hogwarts house.

With a sigh, Keith stood and left the room. Hopefully Lance would calm down and eventually forget about house rivalries. 

It seemed it was not meant to be. A few hours later, Allura called the paladins together for some training exercises. 

“I’m sorry Princess,” Lance said in complete seriousness, “but I can’t work with Keith.”

“Why?” She asked. “Is it because he’s part Galra?”

That revelation had come a few weeks ago and the crew was still figuring out exactly how they felt about it.

“No.” Lance shook his head. “It’s because he’s a Slytherin.”

“I’m sorry, he’s a what? Is this some other alien species that went to Earth?”

“It’s a Hogwarts house Princess,” Shiro said with a sigh.

“What is Hogwarts?” 

“That doesn’t matter right now!” Lance exclaimed. “What matters is that I cannot be expected to work with a freaking Slytherin!”

“Lance,” Allura tried desperately to placate the paladin, they had work to do but nothing would get done until Lance calmed down. “You need to work with Keith. He is part of Voltron and we need all of you in order to defeat Zarkon.”

“BUT HES A SLYTHERIN!” Lance tried desperately to make her understand the direness of the situation. “He’s evil! How can you ask me to work with a snake!”

“Keith is far from evil, Lance.”

“Yeah sure, but that was before he was a Slytherin.”

“I’ve always been a Slytherin Lance.” Keith was regretting telling the others his house, he should have kept his mouth shut.

“How can I trust anything you say? You’re in the same house as Lord fucking Voldemort!”

“Also the house of Andromeda Tonks and she isn’t evil. And Merlin!”

“I thought we were friends.” Lance completely ignored the words coming from Keith’s mouth. “And now you betray your team like this. You are tearing Voltron apart.”

“Oh for fucks sake. I’m going to the training deck. Someone come get me when Lance decides to stop being an idiotic Gryffindor.”

As Keith stormed from the room, Pidge turned to Hunk, a question on her lips.

“Did we every figure out what house Shiro was in?”

“No, Lance got distracted by Keith being Slytherin.”

“Huh. Oh well, I guess we’ll never know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Here is a chapter for all of you but I'm giving you a warning that there probably wont be another one for a couple of weeks cause I'm going travelling. See you guys later! 
> 
> Please leave a comment I honestly cannot say how much they mean to me. My beta reader can attest to the fact that spent quite a bit of time grinning like an idiot when I read them.
> 
> <3


	13. Songs of Ice and Fire

The paladins had started to get along better since they were launched into space together and forced to work as a team. However, there was one thing that all inhabitants of the Castle of Lions could agree on. Lance’s habit of breaking into song at every opportune moment was getting annoying. Especially as the songs he tended to sings were ear worms that got stuck in everyone’s head for days on end.

Keith, Hunk and Lance had somehow been roped into helping Coran fix one of the castle engine rooms. The problem was coming from a small part of the engine but Coran needed help moving some of the more delicate parts and preventing the machine from overheating.

“It’s getting hot in here,” Keith said wiping his forehead with a spare rag.

“So take off all your clothes!” Lance sang.

“Oh for god’s sake,” Keith muttered.

“No stripping Lance,” Hunk said in exasperation.

“I can’t hear you!” The blue paladin singsonged. “My shirt is over my ears.”

“Why are you like this?” Keith asked, not really expecting an answer. Indeed, all he got for his trouble was Lance throwing his sweaty shirt in his face. “Dude! That’s nasty!”

“Just be thankful he doesn’t have a pole,” Hunk sighed.

“Excuse you Hunk, my pole dancing skills are great,” Lance said in an offended tone.

“I never said they weren’t bro, but I saw far more of you than I ever wanted too.”

“Dude, we lived together. You’ve seen me naked a bunch of times.”

“It’s different when you’ve dancing like a freaking stripper. I’m pretty sure a couple people were throwing money at you.”

“So that’s where that hundred bucks came from.”

Keith just stared at the two wondering how much shit they had gotten into together over the years. He completely ignored all thoughts about what Lance would look like dancing on a pole.

A few days later, they were nearing the end of a battle with small galra fleet. They had managed to take down four of the ships but the commander of the last one had gotten to an escape pod and was fleeing the fight. 

“We need to take the last ship down. Let it go, Pidge,” Shiro ordered as the green lion and its paladin made to go after it. 

“Oh god no,” Keith muttered.

“Keith? What’s wrong?” Shiro asked. Less than a second later, Lance’s voice came over the team coms. 

“ _Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore._  
 _Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door!_ ”

“Someone shut him up!” Pidge yelled.

“You should feel blessed to hear me sing!” Lance yelled back, “I have the voice of an angel.”

“I think my ears are bleeding,” Shiro muttered.

“Et tu Shiro?” Lance gasped in outrage. “You know what, fuck you guys,” he shouted before starting to sing a new version of ‘Let it go.’

“ _Fuck you all, fuck you all, don’t give a shit anymore._  
< i>Fuck you all, fuck you all, flip the table, screw you all.   
_I don’t care, what you have to say!_  
 _Let Voltron rage oooonnnnnnnn!_  
 _Your words never bothered me anyway._ "

“You’re not Idina Menzel!” Pidge shouted.

“I’M ELSA YOU BITCH! I HAVE ICE POWERS!” Lance screamed at the girl.

“YOU WILL NEVER BE ELSA!”

“HOW DARE YOU! I LOOK BETTER IN HEELS THAT YOU EVER WILL.”

“What the fuck Lance?” Keith asked.

“I don’t want to know why you know that,” Shiro stated.

“I have two older sisters,” came the unapologetic reply. “What do you expect?”

The other paladins were once again left questioning Lance’s life choices. Hunk, the only one who knew most of the shit Lance had done, chuckled to himself. It would take a while before the others got used to all the things Lance was capable of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who thought this would be GoT... too bad :P
> 
> Anyways! I had a few hours to kill on the train from Berlin to Prague and no internet so that means new chapters! Here's the first one of two. Also, thanks to everyone who comments and leave's kudos. You guys make my days so much better <3


	14. Red Dress, 6 Inch Heels

The team apparently needed a fake escort for the latest mission. They wanted to go undercover on a planet that had apparently evaded galran control while being located in a galaxy that was mostly under their control. The entire planet was a casino resort of sorts and it was far easier for women to get in than men. Since Allura was too recognisable, regardless of the Altean chameleon skills, she had decided Pidge would be the one going in. 

When she came back to the main deck, the smallest paladin was uncomfortably covering herself with one arm while tugging at the hem of her dress, trying to make it longer.

“Oh hell no,” Hunk said, taking his vest off and draping it over her shoulders before passing her into Lance’s arms. “I’m vetoing this.”

“But we do not have anyone else to do it,” Allura protested.

“Lance?” Hunk turned to his friend who was soothing a very uncomfortable Pidge.

“Oh hell yes! I am so up for this,” he said with a grin. “Shiro, I need your eyeliner.” 

“I don’t have any eye-” The black paladin protested.

“Bullshit. Hand it over.”

“Fine,” he said with a sigh as he pulled that small bottle from a pouch on his belt. “Just don’t ruin it.”

“Um, honey?” Lance said with a smirk. “I know what I’m doing.” Snatching the bottle, he sashayed from the room.

“But he is male,” Allura protested.

“Don’t worry about it,” Hunk said from his place next to Pidge. “It will be fine. Now then,” he turned to the girl who had tucked herself into his side, “let’s get you back to normal huh?” 

And hour later, the paladins regrouped on the main deck.

“Where’s Lance?” Keith asked. “Did he chicken out?”

“Of course not darling,” came a sultry voice form the door. “Why? Did you miss me?”

The group turned as one to see a completely different person lounging against the door frame. Long ombre hair spilled over their shoulders, framing a perfectly made up face, contouring, eyes and lips all complementing each other to emphasise the features. Their body was hugged by a tight floor length red dress that was slit up the side to reveal smooth legs and a pair of strappy black heels.

“Damn bro,” Hunk whistled, “looking good.”

“Why thank you handsome,” Lance laughed, sauntering over and placing a kiss on Hunk’s cheek before giving the group a twirl. “So, what do you think?” He stood with his weight on one hip, as if he was used to wearing heels.

“How do you even know how to do that?” Pidge asked in awe, Lance’s outfit was far more revealing than hers and he looked at completely at ease. Not to mention the fact that his heels were at least four inches higher than hers had been. He seemed to be moving as fast as usual, the only difference being a slightly more accentuated sway to his hips when he walked.

“I told you, I have two older sisters who liked to dress me up. Eventually I just kind of learned and ended up helping the younger ones with hair and make up for events.”

“Wait, are you wearing earrings? You pierced your ears?” Shiro asked, squinting as he tried to see Lance’s accessories.

“Hmm? Oh yeah,” Lance said, pushing part of the wig behind his ear. “Isabella did it when I was twelve. Mama wasn’t impressed but I liked them so I didn’t let it heal. I guess it came in useful.”

“So Allura,” Lance drawled, draping himself across Keith’s shoulders and watching in glee as a blush spread across the stoic paladin’s face and down the back of his neck when his breath brushed the other boy’s ear. Girl’s didn’t seem to have any effect on Keith, he wondered what was different. “Do I pass inspection?”

“If I didn’t know it was you, I would never had recognised you,” she said, clearly impressed. “It would seem that the human race also has chameleon abilities.”

“Nah,” Pidge replied, “make up is just magic and Lance apparently has skills.”

“Finally everyone will know that I’m the prettiest here,” Lance said with a hair flip, still half hanging off Keith who seemed to be getting ever redder.

“How’d you do the boobs?” Hunk asked as he eyed his friend’s chest.

“Same as last time,” Lance shrugged before thrusting his chest forward for Hunk’s inspection.

“Hmm, they look better.”

“Thanks.”

“Wait, what does he mean by last time?” Shiro asked with interest.

“Hunk has sworn never to speak of it again,” Lance stated.

“No way buddy,” Pidge laughed, “we need blackmail material.”

“Well you see,” Hunk began, ignoring Lance’s muttered ‘traitor’. “Lance wanted to get into a club but they had a reputation of not letting in too many guys, so he decided to go in drag. There’s also the fact that he was broke and wanted to see if he could get free drinks.”

“It worked didn’t it,” the boy in question protested.

“I think his biggest complaint of the evening was the number of guys hitting on him.”

“Umm, no? My complaint was that none of them were cute.”

“So let me get this straight,” Keith said, disbelief in his voice. “The thing that bothered you about being hit on by guys, ignoring the fact that you were dressed as a girl at the time, was that they weren’t attractive?”

“Yes?” Lance’s confusion was clear. “I mean if it had been, like, Chris Evans, I would have been all over that. He’s hot as hell.”

“Lance, control your gay,” Hunk sighed. “Stop pushing your bi views on everyone.”

“Hell nah. I need pretty girls and pretty boys in my life. It’s necessary for my survival. Besides, my boyfriend at the time was being a dick and cheated on me.”

“You only flirt with girls though!” Keith cried, trying to wrap his protesting mind around this new information.

“No, I don’t. It’s just that most male aliens we meet are either old enough to be my father or trying to kill us.”

Keith attempted to come up with something to say, but Lance’s argument was pretty accurate.

“Aww honey, are you jealous? Don’t worry you’re the only one for me.” With that, Lance kissed Keith’s cheek, leaving a smear of lipstick behind, and sauntered over to Allura to fine tune the mission, throwing a wink over his shoulder as he went. 

Shiro walked over to the boy he saw as his little brother. “You’re screwed,” he said with a laugh.

Keith just groaned at him before saying, “I’m going to train.”

“Oh is that what they’re calling it these days?” Shiro smirked at him.

“Shut up!” Keith shouted before fleeing the room.

“Hmm? Where did my honey go?” Lance said, looking up when he heard the door open and close behind the red paladin. “Teasing him was so much fun.”

“Poor Keith,” Hunk muttered to Pidge. “He’s going to die from this isn’t he.”

Pidge just smirked before calling out to Allura. “Hey Princess! We should send someone with Lance so he doesn’t get in trouble.”

“That may indeed be a good idea Pidge,” she replied.

“I nominate Keith,” Shiro said, catching on to what Pidge was doing.

“Seconded!” Hunk called.

“Thirded!” Pidge cackled. “That settles it then. Keith gets to be Lance’s arm candy.”

Lance gave no protest to the apparent supervision, merely smirking at the way things were going. “Now this is going to be fun. Who wants to tell him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that's a thing that happened? Anyone who wanted to know what Lance's dress looked like its something like [this](http://www.berylcouture.co/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/700x1050/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/F/i/Fitted-Long-Sleeve-High-Slit-Red-Jersey-Evening-Prom-Dress.jpg).
> 
> Once again, comments and kudos give me live. See you guys soon!!
> 
> \- Pan


	15. Young Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there was another long train ride... two more chapters for you guys!

For once, Allura and Coran had joined the paladins in the lounge. Allura was sitting in a corner, observing the paladins and trying to understand their interactions. Coran had decided to attempt to join in and had declared, “To understand them we must try and become one with them Princess.” 

He had then proceeded to try to dress like them and was currently watching as they played a game with pieces of paper which had numbers and shapes drawn on them in crayon. 

“It’s not fair!” Lance cried, pouting after Keith had won the round. “Why do we have to play with your rules? They make no sense!”

“Because half your rules are in Spanish Lance,” Pidge replied.

“Maybe because my family speaks Spanish!” Lance shouted before turning away from the group to sulk.

“Now now my young man,” Coran said, patting him on the shoulder, “there’s no need to feel down.”

Pidge grinned before continuing what Coran had unknowingly started. “ _I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground_.” She grabbed Keith and forced him to stand.

“ _I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town_ ,” Hunk sang.

“ _There's no need to be unhappy_ ,” Shiro joined in, much to everyone’s surprise. Grabbing a now laughing Lance and dragging him to his feet.

“ _Young man, there's a place you can go_ ,” Lance sang to the rest, twirling an unamused Keith. 

“ _I said, young man, when you're short on your dough_ ,” Pidge and Hunk started a choreography of their own.  
“ _You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find, many ways to have a good time_ ,” the group sang in unison, marching forward to surround Allura.

“ _It’s fun to stay at the Y M C A!_ ” The paladins scream-sang in unison waving their arms in synchronized patterns to form some kind of symbol while jumping up and down.

“No.” Allura said, rising from her seat. “I am not dealing with this again. Come find me when you decide to be normal once more.”


	16. Will join 4 cookies

They were planning a large scale attack on Zarkon’s main base when something occurred to Pidge.

“Is that a Death Star?” She asked, pointing to the central ship base.

“It is not a star Pidge,” Allura replied. “It’s a giant laser that sucks the life out of planets and destroys them.”

“Oh my god. It IS a Death Star,” Keith exclaimed.

“Cool your fanboy jets Kylo,” Lance smirked.

“I am not that traitorous piece of shit!”

“Lance,” Hunk turned to his best friend and interrupted whatever argument Lance and Keith were about to get into, “Zarkon and Haggar.”

“Holy shit, you’re right,” he replied, much to the others confusion.

“What about them?” Pidge asked the two.

“Dude, creepy hooded person who shoot lightening from their hands and a big scary person in armour who has a link with the leader of the rebellion group,” Hunk stated.

“Are we describing the Emperor and Vader or Haggar and Zarkon?” Lance said in triumph.

“Wait,” Shiro interrupted, “what’s the link? Because if I am in anyway related to Zarkon I’m going to throw myself out of the airlock.”

“No dying Shiro,” Pidge deadpanned. “The link’s the weapon right? Luke’s lightsaber used to be Anakin’s. The same way Zarkon used to pilot Black.”

“Yup!” Lance grinned.

“God, I never realised how much our lives resemble a sci-fi movie,” Hunk sighed.

“Dude, we literally live on a spaceship and regularly save aliens from and evil empire. We’re the rebels.” Keith said.

“So with that metaphor, quintessence is the force right?” Pidge asked.

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“What are you talking about?” Allura asked.

“Star Wars and the powers of the Dark side.” Pidge smirked.

“Hey, important question. Do you think they have cookies?”

“Lance, no.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go! Two new chapters for your enjoyment! Comment and kudos make my day as you guys well know <3
> 
> \- Pan


	17. The Space Between the Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanted comedy? Too bad. I was having Lance feels so you guys get to deal with them.

Lance had always loved space. When he was younger, he would spend hours looking at the stars and dreaming about being a pilot who would explore everything. He would travel through the systems, find new planets, meet new people. What no one told him about space is how empty it is.

Sure, there are thousands of alien species and he’s on a ship with friends who are never that far away but he’s alone. 

Lance is used to a big family who constantly touch each other, whether it’s hugs or play fighting between siblings and cousins, there’s always someone nearby to offer physical affection when it’s needed. He’s used to someone crawling into his bed in the middle of the night because they had a nightmare, needing someone to hold them and tell them that they’re safe, that the monsters can’t get them. 

He’s used to waking up to banging pots and loud voices as everyone gathers in the small kitchen, rushing through routines so they can eat breakfast before their day begin.

But in space, there’s no one. There are no little sisters to braid hair for, no brothers to teach to ride a bike, no cousins to tell about the grand adventures he will have once he gets to the stars. The kitchen is quiet and the halls are empty. The castle seems huge when there’s no one in sight, like he’s the only living thing there.

Hunk tries, he knows his best friend is hurting, that the team seeing him as nothing more than comic relief pains him more than they can ever imagine. He says nothing when he wakes up at 3 am to find Lance curled up in his bed. He just hugs his friend tightly and wipes away the tears, whispering that it will be okay, that they will get back to Earth, that he’ll see his family again. 

He makes sure that Lance is left alone as little as possible. He thanks god for Keith, because some days its seems the rivalry between the two of them is the only thing that keeps Lance with them. The only thing that brings a real spark of life back to his eyes. He does small things to help, going out of his way to find ingredients to make Lance’s favourite food, or as close to it as he can, considering that they’re in space. He hugs Lance often and tells him that he did a good job whenever they go on missions. It seems to do less and less as time goes on and he’s still the only one who ever says it. He desperately tries to make up for the lack of human affection but he can’t. One guy can only do so much. All he can do is make sure Lance stays in one piece. 

He prays that he never has to tell Lance’s mom that he isn’t coming back. Because that might be the only thing worse that seeing what space did to his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have some more fun stuff soon. Once my brain stops wanting to emotionally traumatize all the characters we will return to out regularly scheduled programming. Promise. 
> 
> Leave kudos and comments :) tell me how you feel about the chapter ;P


	18. Shot Through the Heart

On one of the few days they were getting along, Keith and Lance were in the training room. The idea of the exercise was for Keith to fight at close range while Lance practiced his sharpshooting from a spot half way up the wall. They were doing rather well but Keith was starting to get annoyed by Lance’s chatter.

“And the red paladin takes down yet another droid with a single swipe of his blade!”

“Lance! Can you try to chill with the sports commentary and maybe actually shoot something.”

“Dude have you looked behind you recently?”

Keith risked a glance and froze seeing a dozen droids with neat holes through their heads or chests.

“Oh,” he said, surprised that he hadn’t even sensed them. One was less than a foot away.

“Yeah, you’re welcome. Now look front Mullet, you’re about to be impaled.”

Keith whirled around just in time to see a shot of blue light whiz past his ear and hit the droid who was less that two feet away directly in the chest.

“SHOT THROUGH THE HEART-” Lance sang and the bullet connected.

“SHUT UP LANCE!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *is drowning in exam revision* ah yes, what a perfect time to write a bunch of chapters.
> 
> Welp, here's one. They're all pretty short but hey, some stories don't need that many words... right?


	19. Sock Race Champion

Keith sprinted down the hall as quickly as he could, just a bit faster and he could – 

With a whoop of joy, he launched himself down the castle hallway, his socked feet sliding almost frictionlessly across the surface. He was almost at the end of the hall when a door opened and Lance stepped directly into his path. With no way to stop, it was all Keith could do to shout a warning.

Lance turned in surprise and was hit by the careening form on the red paladin, toppling them both to the floor in a painful heap.

“What the hell Mullet?” Lance yelled.

“Sorry,” Keith said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as he sat up only to find himself straddling Lance.

“What were you even doing?” Lance asked, taking in Keith clothes. He was wearing his usual black shirt but his pant and boots had been traded in for a pair of red shorts and knee high socks.

“Ummm, sliding?” He replied as he quickly scrambled off Lance.

“Are you asking or telling me?” 

“I was bored okay? And I realised the floors are really smooth so I decided to see how far I could get.”

“Well there is only one possible thing to do now.”

“Huh?” Keith looked confused.

“RACE TIME!” Lance screamed, grabbing Keith’s hand and dragging him along. “Let’s get Pidge and Hunk and see who’s the best.”

Within a few minutes, the four paladins had changed into shorts and socks and gathered at the end of the hall with Coran having been dragged into their antics to act as a referee. 

“Now I want a nice, clean race from all of you,” Coran said. “You sprint until the yellow line then slide as far as you can. The person who gets the furthest wins. Is everyone ready?”

He received a resounding ‘Yes!’ and raised his arm.

“On your marks. Get set. Go!” With a wave of his arm, they were off.

Keith sprinted ahead, being the fastest of the four, but was quickly tripped by Pidge as she managed to grab his shorts and slow him down. Pidge continued only to be caught by Lance, the two toppled to the ground and tripped up Hunk who fell on top of them with a huff.

“I thought I said a clean race!” Coran yelled at them. “We are starting again. Since you can’t be trusted you will go one at a time and we will place a marker for each person.”

They had restarted and everyone but Pidge had slid, Keith being in the lead so far, when Allura and Shiro appeared in the hall, having been drawn by all the noise.

“What is going on here?” Allura asked.

“Ah Princess! The paladins wished to have a contest and asked that I assist them as a judge of sorts,” Coran explained. “Number 5 is the last to go and she must beat Keith’s record.”

“Hmm can I join?” Shiro asked.

“No!” Keith exclaimed, drawing surprised looks from the others.

“Why not Keith? You scared you’re gonna lose?” Shiro taunted.

“I know I’m going to lose,” he replied flatly. “I’ve never beaten you in sock races.”

“You guys used to have sock races?” Hunk asked.

“Yeah, back on Earth.”

“Step aside Pidge and let a professional show you how it’s done,” Shiro smirked, removing his boots and stepping up to the starting line.

With a whoop, he launched himself down the hall, beating Keiths record by a good margin. Pidge tried her best to follow up but on got past Lance’s line before she stopped.

“Well it would seem that Shiro is the winner,” Coran announced.

“Now wait just a minute,” Allura interrupted. “It’s my turn.”

Allura glided to the starting line, her socked feet slipping a little as she positioned herself.

“What did you say Shiro? ‘Let a professional show you how it’s done’?” With frankly evil grin, she propelled herself off the line and down the hall, sliding effortlessly past all their markers and twirling gracefully to a stop three meters past Shiro.

“Well, it would seem that the Princess remains the undisputed champion of sock sliding,” Coran said with a grin. “Not even I, Coran the Great, could ever hope to beat her. In fact, it was once made into an official Altean sport! The Princess won the contest by quite a margin!”

The paladins looked at Coran and Allura in disbelief. 

“And you say us humans make no sense,” Pidge sighed.


	20. pokerstars.com

“Three fours,” Keith said with a straight face.

Lance glanced at him for a second before saying, “Bullshit.”

“Fuck!” Keith exclaimed, picking up the pile of cards on the table.

“How do you keep doing that?” Pidge asked in exasperation. Everyone had expected Lance to be bad at cards, especially considering how much he seemed to wear his emotions on his sleeve. 

“Magic,” he said flatly. “Two fives.”

“Lies Lance,” Hunk said and Lance picked up his cards with an unapologetic grin. Hunk had been another surprise when it came to games, having beaten the entire group in a poker game that had ended as a showdown between him and Lance. 

“How are they so good?” Shiro asked in confusion. Much to everyone’s astonishment, he was horrible at lying and got called out more often than not. 

“Well, I’m good because I have dealt with so many lying children that I know pretty much all the tells and once I know what to look for it’s easy,” Lance shrugged. “Hunk is good because he is clearly a superior being with magical knowledge bestowed upon him as a reward for his kindness.”

“Bro,” Hunk said, clutching his chest and pretending to tear up at Lance’s compliment.

“I love you bro,” Lance hugged him tightly.

“I love you too.”

“Enough with the bromance,” Pidge whined. “Get back here so I can whip your asses for once.”

“Sorry Pidgey,” Lance smirked, “That aint gonna happen.”

Low and behold, Lance won the round.


	21. Who are you and what is that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crawls from the pits of exam hell gasping for air* I LIVE!!!
> 
> Anyways, just to explain what's gonna happen for the next couple of chapters. I needed a way for the paladins to gain access to Earth technology and internet and such. So........ OCs who will give them stuff. Don't worry, they'll be gone soon and we can get back to the regular mess this fic is. 
> 
> (Also this is a way for them to get Mario Kart for all the people who keep asking for that chapter)
> 
> See ya on the flip side

The entire crew of the Castle of Lions was gathered in the bridge as Allura prepared for a wormhole jump. However, before they could depart, a strange ship appeared in front of them.

“That ship,” Allura muttered to herself, “it looks familiar.”

“Princess,” Coran turned to her, “could it possibly be…”

“No, that wouldn’t make sense. How would they have lived this long?”

“Well some species do live to be over fifty thousand years old.”

“That’s true, but to have survived Zarkon this long?”

“The ship seems to be hailing us, should we respond?”

“We might as well.”

By the end of this bizarre exchange, the paladins were looking at each other in confusion. Their befuddlement only increased when a huge squeal came over the speakers.

“Oh my GOD! Allura!” A loud rang through the bridge. “How are you?! We haven’t seen you in ten thousand years!”

“Open the docking area, we’re coming in,” Another voice joined briefly before cutting off the connection.

“Umm Coran?”

“Yes Lance?”

“What just happened?”

“I do believe that you are about to meet some of the Princess’ friends from before the war.”

The six of them trailed after Allura as she led to way to a part of the castle they had never been. As they approached what they assumed to be the docking bay, the door slid open to reveal three women and what seemed to be an abnormally large pink lion.

“Allura!” A woman with pale blue skin and darker blue hair launched herself at the princess for a hug.

“Hello Levia,” Allura replied with a smile.

“Oh my god! You look so young!” Levia, as she was apparently named, exclaimed.

“I’ve been in a cryo-pod for ten centuries.”

“Why would you do that?” She cried, clearly scandalized. “It’s horrible for your skin! The lack of moisture!”

“Tell me about it,” Lance muttered, “It takes me a week to fix the damage every time I come out of one of those things.”

“Now what’s this Allura?” The tallest of the three women asked, she cut an imposing figure with her dark skin and mane of scarlet hair, not to mention the lion-like creature at her side. “Have you gotten yourself a harem?”

“They’re the paladins of Voltron,” Allura sighed.

“Are they really?” The last alien finally joined the conversation, she was a willowy woman with green skin and two tentacles instead of hair which were covered in orange markings. “They’re so small. What planet are they from?”

“A small blue planet called Earth.”

“Really? Maybe you can explain some things then!” Levia grinned.

“Perhaps you should introduce yourselves before beginning an interrogation,” Coran pipped up from his place next to the paladins.

“Coran the Gorgeous Man! Is that you?” The green alien called.

“Indeed my dear Raxacoricofallapatoriana.”

“How many times do I need to tell you to call me Rexy!” She replied with a grin.

“Many more I’m sure.”

“Okay! Everyone stop!” Lance exclaimed, waving his arms. “Who are you and what the hell is that!?” He gestured wildly to the giant cat.

“Pay no attention to him,” Shiro said, pushing Lance back towards his fellow paladins. “I’m Shiro. The loud blue one is Lance.”

“Hey!”

“The small green one is Pidge.”

“I know where you sleep Shiro.”

Ignoring them, he continued. “The yellow one is Hunk and the red one is Keith.”

“Hi,” Hunk waved at the visitors while Keith simply nodded.

“Ah apologies for not introducing ourselves sooner. I am Sekhet. The ‘blue one’ as you so aptly put it is Leviarta, called Levia by most. The small green one is Rexy.”

“Fight me Sekhet!”

“Don’t start fights you can’t win honey,” she replied with a smirk. “And finally, this is Ariel but my kids call him Jesus. It may have something to do with him being locked in a cave for three days and then magically escaping.”

“He’s adorable,” Lance said, having walked over to the giant cat and started petting him. “Who’s a good kitty?” He said as he scratched under his chin.

“He’s so fluffy!” Pidge exclaimed as she joined Lance only to leap out of the way when Ariel flopped onto his back, demanding tummy rubs. 

Hunk looked at Shiro with imploring eyes.

“Fine, yes. You can go pet the kitty,” he sighed, watching as Hunk hurried over to his friends. He soon followed with Keith trailing after him. Soon, all the paladins were gathered around the lion as the aliens looked on in terrified awe.

 

“Humans really will pet anything,” Rexy said in disbelief.

“Isn’t that one of the most dangerous creatures in the universe?” Allura asked in concern.

“Yeah…” Levia whispered.

“He is a beast bred for battle,” Sekhet muttered. “He has killed countless enemies and devoured their flesh while bathing in their blood. He has left battlefields covered in bodies. He’s turned rivers red!”

“Oh my god! Look guys!” Hunk cried in delight. “He’s purring!”

“Who’s the best lion in the whole entire universe?” Keith cooed, having been drawn in by the beast’s fluffy fur. “It’s you isn’t it!” If the soft head-butt Ariel gave him was anything to go by, he agreed with the statement.

“Allura?” Sekhet said, turning to her friend. “If your paladins break my war lion, I am holding you personally responsible.”

***LATER***

Despite the visitors, Allura had decided to make the paladins do some training in the afternoon. 

Black, Green, Yellow and Blue had quickly gathered in front of the control room but Red and Keith were nowhere to be seen.

“Where is the red paladin?” Allura asked.

“Blue says that Red is refusing to let him in because, and I quote, ‘clearly she’s not the most important lion in his life so he should just go with Ariel instead since he’s clearly the best lion in the universe.’”

*** Meanwhile in Red’s hanger ***

“RED! Come on!” Keith yelled, pounding on his lion’s shield. “Let me in!”

Red remained still, silently glaring at him from behind her force field.

“We need to go out! The rest of the team is waiting for us!”

The shield finally came down.

“Finally,” Keith muttered, starting forward to climb into his lion, only to find himself sprawled on his back, gazing at the ceiling. Red had lifted her paw and knocked him over. She stood gracefully and turned away, sitting primly with her back to him and glaring over her shoulder. She gave a delicate sniff, as if Keith was entirely below her notice.

“Girl! Come on! You know you’re my number 1,” he said pleadingly. “He was just so fluffy and cute! You’re the best lion in the universe. I promise!”

Regardless of what Keith said, Red refused to let him in for the rest of the day and they were forced to reschedule training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for all the people who comment and leave kudos! You guys make my day <3


	22. Giant Rusty Chairs and Pyramids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I finished exams and survived MCM Comic con so now I can write some more! Enjoy!

After the failed training exercise and some food, the inhabitants of the Castle of Lions and their visitors had gathered in the lounge to relax and allow Allura to catch up with her friends.

“So, there’s this crazy planet in this one solar system,” Rexy was saying, “and they sent a little robot to their neighbouring sister planet, which is a really pretty red colour, and made it sing a little jingle to itself every year to celebrate its creation.”

“What?” Allura asked.

“It represents the day of Earth’s rotation on which it entered the world.” Levia attempted to clarify.

“But, why?” Allura asked again, still confused.

“We have no idea but it’s adorable,” Rexy giggled. “Look we have pictures!”

“Isn’t that the Curiosity?” Keith asked Pidge after the paladins had taken a look at the aliens’ selfies with the little robot.

“Looks like it, yeah.”

“Oh! And you know that crazy planet we were talking about?” Rexy said excitedly. “They have an entire city that is built on the concept of doing things that go against this kind of other worldly moral code that was written by some really famous guy called God a couple thousand years ago or something. Hey Sekhet,” she called, “what’s that place called again?”

“Vegas?”

“Yeah! That one! It’s fantastic.”

Turning to face the paladins, Rexy seemed to come to a sudden realization. “Oh right, you guys are from Earth! Remind me later. We have a few boxes filled with a bunch of stuff we picked up there. There’s a hard drive of stuff too.”

“You’re right,” Sekhet said pensively. “We’ll have to find them again. I think we have a duplicate of the machine we used to connect to their primitive global network. It’s simplistic, but their ‘internet’ contains many interesting things.”

“It’s so cool!” Rexy bounced in her seat. “There’s so much stuff on the drive we have! There’s games, like this really cute one called Undertale and a thing call Mario Kart? I think? Oh yeah, and there’s this one show with dragons and ice creatures, I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be old Earth or future Earth but they keep fighting over this chair? Like who would want a chair made of metal, wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? Why would they make a throne out of iron? Wouldn’t that be for slaves, or prisoners or something? It’s cold. And it rusts.”

“WAIT!” Lance yelled, jumping from the couch. “Is it called Game of Thrones?!”

“That sounds right.”

“What season do you have!” He shouted, grabbing Rexy by the shoulders and shaking her.

“More to the point,” Pidge interrupted, “how did you guys even get this stuff?”

“We started doing yearly road trips once you guys figured out radio waves,” Levia replied. “Earth’s gotten pretty wild in the past 50 years or so.”

“It was fun before that, we just didn’t go as often.” Sekhet added.

“Hey, remember that time we went to Egypt?” Rexy said, brushing Lance’s hands from her shoulders.

“That was a fun party.” Sekhet grinned.

“Dude, you filled an entire field with alcohol and then passed out after seeing how much of it you could drink.” Levia raised an elegant eyebrow.

“As I said,” Sekhet replied, still grinning. “Fun times.”

“The Egyptians wrote a fucking myth about you!”

“Wait,” Keith interrupted the argument, “if you guys are in ancient Egyptian myths, does that mean aliens really did build the pyramids?”

“Nah, that was your lot,” Sekhet replied. “We just kinda looked at you like, what are they doing now? Why are they building triangles? You guys were dumb.”

“Oh my god! Allura!” Levia cried. “When this whole pesky war thing is over, we are so taking you to Earth with us.”

“We have so much to show you!”

“Okay, that’s cool and all and I’m all for a road trip to Earth,” Lance interrupted, “but right now? I want to watch Game of Thrones and I need access to the internet, like yesterday. Who knows how many beauty trends I’ve missed.”

“My followers on my cryptid blog must think I’m dead,” Pidge realised.

“Same,” Keith muttered.

“Oh my god,” Hunk whispered to himself, “I’ll have access to recipes again!”

“I can watch the end of Downton Abbey.” Shiro realised, awe colouring his voice.

“Yeah,” Rexy said with a laugh. “You guys are in desperate need of internet. We’ll set it up tomorrow.”


	23. Jägerbombastic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a mess, everyone is a drunken mess. They get access to alcohol after months in space. Give them a break.

The castle settled into a routine while Allura’s friends were present, they trained in the mornings and sorted through the visiting ship for artifacts from Earth in the afternoon. This newly founded routine was completely thrown off by Hunk’s discovery of a crate full of glass bottles.

“Oh lord, please tell me that’s alcohol,” Shiro muttered.

“Oh that stuff?” Rexy said glancing over. “Yeah, it’s from Earth. It makes us feel a bit tingly. It’s awesome. I guess we can always get more so you guys can have our current stash.”

“Thank you,” Shiro said with complete sincerity. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

They quickly carried the crate to the rec room and called the other paladins as they started pulling out bottles. 

“Dios mío,” Lance exclaimed as he saw the crate. “Is that booze?”

“Yup,” Shiro grinned.

“Is it ours?” Keith asked.

“Yup,” Hunk replied.

“What is ‘booze’?” Allura asked, entering the room with Coran, Pidge and the three visitors.

“An Earth drink for celebration and recreational use. It tends to affect people differently though,” Pidge explained.

“Perhaps we should hold a celebration tonight,” Coran suggested.

“Indeed. You have been doing well in your Voltron training. We could have a break,” Allura speculated. “I would like to try this ‘booze’ for myself.”

“Sounds like a good idea Princess,” Hunk smiled.

“This is mine now.” They heard Shiro say and looked over to see him clutching a bottle of sake to his chest.

“I call dibs on any Smirnoff!” Lance crowed.

“Beer is mine!” Keith called.

“Is there any grenadine?” Hunk asked Levia and Sekhet.

“Grena-what?” Sekhet replied.

“Oh! You mean that sweet red stuff?” Levia perked up. “Yeah, it should be in there.”

Hunk scampered over to the crate finding everything he needed and started mixing cocktails. 

“Let’s move to the kitchen so we can eat some food before drinking ourselves into a stupor,” Shiro suggested. 

The group relocated and made sure everyone had a plate of goo in front of them before cracking open the bottles. 

“What would be a good one for Coran and I to start with?” Allura asked the paladins. 

“Tequila,” Pidge and Lance replied in unison. “It’s the standard beginners drink for humans.”

“Pidge, Lance,” Shiro said in his Dad Voice.

“Oh hush.” Lance grinned. “It will be fine.”

The two quickly grabbed a series of small glasses, some salt and an alien equivalent of lime that they had found on the previous planet they visited. Passing out the ingredients, they made sure everyone had a glass, despite Shiro’s protests.

“You lick the salt, drink the shot and then suck on the lime for taste. I’ll go first to show you how it’s done.” Lance smirked at the others and raised his glass before downing the shot like it was nothing. His facial expression didn’t falter for a second.

“Everyone ready?” He asked as he quickly poured himself another shot. “To Voltron!”

“To Voltron!” Everyone replied before taking the shot. Lance managed to keep a straight face for three seconds before bursting into laughter at the shudders of the other humans and the outright disgust of the Alteans.

“That is foul,” Allura spat. “Why would anyone ever drink it willingly? If that’s a beginner’s drink, I do not want anything more to do with this earthling ‘booze’.”

Still cackling, Lance passed her a bottle of wine. “Here Princess, I think this might be more your taste. Its fruit based and tastes quite different. Tequila isn’t really a beginner’s drink. Pidge and I just wanted to see your faces.”

“How can you not react?” Keith shuddered still trying to wash the taste from his mouth with the lime-like fruit. “Tequila is freaking gross and you just downed it like water.”

“If you want gross, try my uncle’s moonshine or some of the concoctions my family calls cocktails, Hunk can attest that _those_ are nasty” Lance replied. Hunk raised his new drink in saluted agreement. “Besides,” Lance continued, “I used to have drinking competitions with my family. Tequila and rum were the easiest to get so that’s what we played with.”

“I’ve seen him drink grown men under the table,” Hunk said to Shiro and Keith. “Don’t try to beat him in a drinking game. It does not go well.” Needless to say, Lance and Keith were soon engaged in a heated match. Every time they seemed close to ending it, one of them taunted the other and the whole thing started over. They soon ended up sprawled on the floor contemplating their life choices.

The festivities progressed with everyone getting gradually more inebriated. To the human’s surprise, Allura and Coran quickly reached their limits. Coran sat down in the middle of the floor and curled into a ball to apparently take a nap while Allura seemed to find everything absolutely hilarious and had spent the past two hours giggling after drinking half a bottle of wine. Her friends had retired an hour ago, feigning exhaustion and saying goodnight before everyone got too drunk to remember the evenings events.

Slightly later into the night, Lance was stumbling around, searching for the mice for a reason he could no longer remember. As he looked in the non-existent spaces under the furniture, even going as far as nudging the sleeping Coran with his foot to see if they were snuggled up with him, he started singing to himself.

“ _I wanna be-_ ”

“ _THE VERY BEST! LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS!_ ” Pidge interrupted. She was quickly joined by Keith as they belted out the lyrics. “ _TO CATCH THEM ALL IS MY REAL TEST! TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAUSE!_ ”

Hunk and Shiro were roused from their half-asleep state and unconsciously joined. Soon, all the paladins were yelling the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

“ _I WILL TRAVEL ACROSS THE LAND, SEARCHING FAR AND WIDE!_  
_EACH POKÉMON TO UNDERSTAND, THE POWER THAT’S INSIDE!_  
_Pokémon! It’s you and me, you know it’s my destiny!_  
_Pokémon! Oh, you’re my best friend in a world we must defend!_  
_Pokémon! A heart so true! Our courage will pull us through,_  
_You teach me and I’ll teach you! Po-ké-mon!_  
_GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!_  
_POKÉMON!_ ”

At the end of their off key and rather butchered rendition of the Pokémon theme song, they collapsed in giggling heap on one of the couches. Their attempts to untangle themselves, only resulted in most of them falling to the floor. Shiro clawed his way back to the couch beside Allura and stared at her for a moment before flailing his hand in an attempt to tap her shoulder and gain her attention.

“ ‘llura,” he slurred. When she merely giggled in response and didn’t turn to face him, he continued to wave his hand at her, occasionally hitting the cushion beside him. “Allura. Alllllluuuuuuurrrrrrraaaaa. ‘llura, this is important. Allura.” He kept whining until she finally looked at his flailing arm and followed it up to his face. 

“Wwwwhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaatttttt,” she drawled before snickering again.

“You’re pretty,” Shiro said as seriously as he could in his current state. Allura looked at him for a few seconds before collapsing in a renewed heap of laughter. Shiro kept slapping her arm, trying to regain her attention.

“No, no, no, Princess! This is cereal! Wait… that’s not right, cere-, siri-, serious. Yeah, that one. It’s serious! You’re like the most pretty, smart, amazing, beautiful person, wait are aliens people? Eh, it doesn’t matter – I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty Allura,” Pidge interrupted as she bounced past on her lap of the room before going back to yelling in binary code and bouncing off the walls. She had started running around and bouncing almost as soon as the small amount of alcohol she was allowed had hit her system. 

“01001001 00100111 01001101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01010010 01010101 01001100 01000101 01010010 00100000 01001111 01000110 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01010101 01001110 01001001 01010110 01000101 01010010 01010011 01000101 00100001”

Having failed in his mission to locate the mice, Lance had wandered over to a corner and sat down muttering to himself.

“See? They can have fun without you. You’re only here for comic relief and if they don’t need you for that then why are you even here? You’re just some boy from Cuba that stumbled across a giant robo-cat and forced it to settle for you cause there was no one else there.”

As Lance spiralled into self-loathing, Hunk was challenging the food-goo machine to a rematch. Demanding it apologise for attacking him when the castle was haunted and getting progressively angrier when it didn’t bow down and beg for forgiveness like he was telling it to.

Keith, having been abandoned by his now hyperactive green friend and having no success trying to pull Hunk away from his row with the machine, attempted to talk to Shiro only to be slapped by one of the hands he kept waving as he stumbled through explaining to Allura why it was of the utmost importance that she listen to him. He eventually noticed Lance in his corner. Seeing his usually upbeat teammate curled into a ball that radiated sadness, his addled brain demanded that he go and hug Lance until he stopped being sad. Despite his prickly personality, Keith liked cuddles and figured Lance would too. After all, the blue paladin was almost always touching someone or talking to them.

Flopping ungracefully to the floor beside him, Keith tugged on Lance’s shoulders until they rested against each other, their bodies the only thing keeping them upright. Throwing his arms around the morose boy, Keith tried to string together enough coherent words to ask what was wrong.

“Lance? Why sad?” Was what came out instead.

“Nothing much,” Lance replied with a self-deprecating smile. “Just thinking about how useless I am and how much better off you would be without me here. Voltron deserves the best paladin it can get, hell, you guys deserve the best. And I’m not even close to mediocre. You don’t need me.”

“No.” Keith pouted at Lance grumpily, smacking his shoulder before grabbing the boy’s face between his hands and attempting to get his point across despite the lack of coordination between his brain and his mouth. “You important. Voltron needs you. _I_ need you. You keep us together. Make sure no one gets hurt. You check up on us so no one falls apart. You’re good at being blue paladin. Can’t get a new one. We need Lance.”

“I’m just a cargo pilot,” Lance muttered, turning his blushing face away from Keith’s steady grip and stare.

“No,” Keith insisted, forcing Lance’s eyes back to his. “You’re a fighter pilot. And a good one too. You’re our sharpshooter.” He said with a happy grin. When Lance smiled back and nodded timidly, Keith’s grin widened before he gave in to sleepiness and snuggled closer to the heat emanating from the other boy’s body. Resting his head on Lance’s shoulder as Lance leaned his own on Keith’s head, the two fell asleep against the wall.

Levia, Rexy and Sekhet couldn’t help but laugh at the state they found the paladins in the next morning. Pidge had collapsed mid bounce and ended up sprawled across the table with green-goo in her hair. Hunk had somehow gotten tied up by the food nozzle, rendering him incapable of movement. Coran was still curled up in the middle of the floor where they had left his last night but the castle mice had burrowed into his hair and woven it into a nest for them to nap in. Lance and Keith were still in the same position they had fallen asleep in, though they had slid down the wall during the night and ended up cuddling on the floor, Keith still using Lance as a pillow as he snuggled into his side. Shiro was lying on the couch with Allura resting comfortably on his chest, his human arm wrapped around her waist to stop her from falling to the floor during the night. Pulling out her tablet, Rexy quickly started taking pictures of all of them to commemorate the night.

“Oh my god. This is adorable,” she whispered to the others, taking care not to wake anyone up.

“Looks like Allura finally found herself a man,” Sekhet smirked.

“I dunno,” Rexy replied uncertainly. “He might be a bit young for her. Pidge told me he was only six.”

“Oh look at the red and blue paladins,” Levia cooed, ignoring Rexy. “I’ll need to talk to Lance about this. They’re too sweet to not be a couple.”

“Since when are you two close enough to talk about something like that?” Rexy questioned.

“Since we bonded over the fact that we are the only ones around here who care about their appearance and both know what it’s like to live surrounded by idiots with bad skin care regiments who wouldn’t know a toner from a moisturiser if it hit them in the face.”

“Let’s wake them up,” Sekhet interrupted the conversations before it could change into an argument. “They’re going to need some food and that requires untangling the yellow paladin.”

They quickly roused the group, Keith and Lance jumping apart and refusing to look at each other when they realised their position. Allura was the last to wake and only did so when Shiro froze upon realising who was sleeping on his chest. 

“What happened?” Allura asked. “All I remember is that first drink. Then it’s all blurry.”

“My head hurts,” Hunk moaned, collapsing at the kitchen table.

Keith and Pidge groaned in agreement from their places beside him. Lance however, seemed to be back to his usual chipper self. 

“Come on guys, it can’t be that bad. You didn’t even drink that much!”

“Shut up Lance,” Pidge said, glaring at him.

“I hate you.” The other’s looked at Hunk, surprised by the certainty in his voice.

“You’re just jealous,” Lance replied, clearly used to this sort of response. 

“You have never been hung over in your life,” Hunk responded. “It’s gone past jealousy and into hatred now. I’d only forgive you if you made me your cure.”

“But I don’t have the ingredients,” Lance pouted at his best friend.

“Guess you’ll have to live with me hating you then.”

“Hunk, my buddy. My main man. My bro. You wouldn’t do this to me.” Hunk didn’t respond. “Hunk? Babe? Light of my life? My best friend in the universe? Please?” Hunk continued to ignore Lance, burrowing into his arms on the table as the blue paladin tried to regain his favour.

Turning from the spectacle, Sekhet spoke to Allura. “I’m sorry to spring this on you when you’re still waking up but we need to leave.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Apparently our partners picked a fight with a group of natives on some planet or other and now Ptah is in prison and going to be sacrificed to some higher power or other if we don’t go and save them.” Sekhet sighed like this was a reasonably frequent occurrence. 

“We can’t leave them alone for more than a fortnight,” Rexy groaned. “I thought Gabe would keep them out of trouble but apparently not.”

“Who’s Gabe?” Shiro asked. “Your husband?”

“No, wife.”

“Huh.”

“When do you have to leave?” Allura asked. 

“This afternoon if possible,” Levia replied. “We need to get them out of trouble before they blow up another settlement.”

“Besides, since we set you up with internet, the paladins will be able to keep busy even if they can’t upload anything and you have our call number so we can keep in contact.”

“Alright. We’ll help you pack up.”

By the early afternoon, the three visitors were sorted and ready to leave. While Allura and Coran were saying goodbye to their friends, Lance pulled Levia aside. 

“I know you said you’re not going back to Earth for a while because of Zarkon but can you do something for me?”

“Of course, Lance. What is it?”

Pulling out a sheet of paper, Lance handed it to her. “It’s a letter for my mom. You’re probably going to go back before we do and I don’t know what they think happened to us. I don’t know what the Garrison told them or if they even know we’re alive. I just want her to know that I’m okay.”

“Oh Lance. Of course. I’ll post it next time we land there,” she said, ruffling his hair. “You’re a good kid.”

“Thanks.” He smiled up at her through slightly teary eyes. “You can read it. The address is at the bottom of the letter.”

“Sounds good Little Blue.”

Once the three had boarded the ship and settled in for the flight, Levia glanced at the letter in her hand, giving it a quick read through.

_Hola Mamá,_  
_I don’t know when this will get to you but I need you to know I’m safe. Hunk, Pidge and I were forced to go on a trip and I don’t know when we’ll be back. We’re okay and we will see you as soon as we can. Please tell Pidge’s mom and Hunk’s family that they’re fine too. Don’t believe anything the Garrison tells you. We’ll be back when we can. I promise Mamá. I love you and say hello to everyone for me._  
_Tu hijo,_  
_Lance_  
_P.S. Tell Clara she’s in charge of Gato until I get back._  
_P.P.S. Also, remind Mateo that he’s not allowed to steal my bike again. I found it in the stream last time._  
_P.P.P.S. I miss you._

Wiping a stray tear from her eye. Levia promised herself they would go to Earth soon. If only so she could tell Lance that she had gotten the letter to his family. Even if she had to deliver it herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Jägerbombs were consumed in the making of this chapter. 
> 
> *** I also feel I should mention that Pidge is actually saying something when she's yelling in binary...
> 
> So this is the longest chapter I've written for this story and most of it is cause I was having too much fun writing drunk paladins... sorry?
> 
> Kudos and comments keep me alive~


	24. Girl? Boy? Neither?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I wanted to do something for pride month and I wanted my blue boy to be a big brother to the others. So have a chapter.
> 
> Special thanks to my wonderful beta The_Hush_Mona_Lisa for being wonderful and helping me name so many of the chapters!

When Pidge didn’t show up for dinner, Lance was sent on a mission to find her. After searching her common hideouts and finding them lacking a green paladin, he resorted to wandering through the castle. He eventually found Pidge sitting on the observation deck, staring out at the universe.

“Hey Pidgeot,” he said with a smile as he settled down beside her. “Getting lost in the stars? I thought that was my job.”

“Hey Lance,” came the non-committal reply. 

“Pidgey?” He questioned, sensing something off with his friend. “What’s up? You missed dinner.”

“So? It’s not the first time,” she replied slightly defensively.

“True. Usually it’s cause you lose track of time when you were tinkering with some piece alien tech though.”

“I was just thinking.”

“Wanna talk about it? I’m here for whatever you need. If want to be alone, I’ll go grab you a plate of food then go.”

“No. It’s fine. It’s just stuff. It’s dumb.”

“Hmm, I think I’ll be the judge of that. What’s up?” Lance said, bumping the younger paladin with his shoulder.

“I don’t think I’m a girl,” Pidge muttered.

“What do you mean by that?” Lance asked calmly despite his surprise at the proclamation.

“I dunno. I just feel weird whenever people call me she,” Pidge replied, squirming where she sat.

“Would you rather I use he?”

Pidge seemed to consider it for a second before shaking her head. “No. I don’t like that either.”

“Okay,” Lance replied easily. “So what do you want me to refer to you as?”

“They?” Pidge seemed unsure but after a second, nodded to themselves. “Can you use they?”

“Sure.”

“Wait, really?” Pidge looked up at him in shock, seeming to not understand how Lance could just accept this.

“Yeah, of course.” Lance grinned at them and pulled them into his side. “You’re like one of my younger siblings. I want you to be happy Pidge.”

Pidge snuggled into the boy and quietly muttered, “Thanks Lance.”

“No problem, Gremlin.” He smirked down at them.

“Way to ruin the moment,” Pidge giggled and mock glared at him from their place under his arm.

“Oh hush,” he replied. “You still love me. I’m one of your awesome big brothers.” 

“True.”

“Aww you DO care about me!” He crowed triumphantly.

“Shut up Lance.”

“Of course your highness.” He grinned again before becoming more serious. “You know the team won’t treat you differently if you ask them to stop referring to you as a girl right?”

Pidge was silent so Lance continued.

“Look, if you don’t want to tell them, that’s fine. I’ll keep quiet until you decide but I’ll use they and them from now on, ‘kay?”

“Okay,” Pidge replied quietly. “I’ll tell them eventually. I just want some time to figure it out.”

“That’s fine.” He hugged them before standing, dragging Pidge with him. “Now come on, you need some food.”

“Yes Moooom.” Pidge groaned, letting Lance carry their weight.

“Ah, ah, ah. None of the sass.”

“I’m literally made of sass, sarcasm, and rage. Deal with it.”

“Sure you are Gremlin,” Lance replied, patting Pidge’s head patronisingly.

“Oi!” They cried, before side tackling Lance and taking the unsuspecting boy to the ground.

They eventually stopped roughhousing and when they got to their feet again, Pidge jumped on Lance’s back.

“Onward noble steed! To the kitchen!” They cried. The pair were soon seen careening through the castle, laughing all the way.

 

*** TIME SKIP ***

 

The team had just come back from a mission and Pidge decided they wanted to come out to the rest of their friends.

“Umm, hey. Guys?” They asked uncertainly. The lack of Pidge’s usual tone made everyone look at them instantly.

They glanced at Lance for reassurance, and he quickly nodded in support, guessing what Pidge wanted to do. He moved to stand behind them, silently showing his support.

The others were left wondering what was going on to make both Pidge and Lance so serious. 

‘Are they dating?’ Hunk thought to himself. ‘They have been spending a lot of time together lately.’

Gathering their courage, Pidge began to speak, getting progressively faster. “So I know I told you that I couldn’t ‘man up’ because I was a girl but I don’t feel like a girl. And using feminine pronouns make me uncomfortable. And I’m not a boy either. I just feel like I don’t fit in either. So Iwaswonderingifyoucouldusethey/theminstead.”

The others blinked, looking confused.

“Sorry Pidge, could you repeat that last part?” Shiro asked. “I didn’t catch all of it.”

Taking a deep breath, Pidge repeated themselves. “I was wondering if you could use they/them to refer to me instead,” they said, scuffing their shoe on the floor and slowly inching back towards Lance, seeking reassurance. Lance placed his hand on their back, allowing Pidge to lean against him and glared at the others, daring them to do anything but support the team’s youngest member. They had never seen him so serious.

“Oh. Okay,” Shiro blinked, making a mental note. “We can do that.”

Pidge looked up at them, hope shinning in their eyes.

“Of course we can Number 5!” Coran exclaimed happily.

“Just correct me if I use the wrong pronoun,” Keith said. “Sorry in advance if I mess up for a bit.” 

“Thanks Keith,” they smiled at the red paladin.

“You’re our Pidge. Nothing will change that,” Hunk stated, moving towards Pidge. “Can I still say dude or bro though? Cause that may be hard…”

“Wouldn’t want to deprive you of a third of your vocabulary,” Pidge replied with a smirk.

“I resent that,” Hunk answered with a smile before pulling Pidge into his arms. “Now, group hug.”

Lance was the second to join, one of his arms already around Pidge. Coran, Shiro, and Allura were also quick to join in. Only Keith seemed to hesitate for a moment before Lance grabbed his arm and dragged him into the group. Pidge stood, huddled in the middle of their friends, trembling slightly with the number of emotions rushing through their small frame.

“Thanks guys,” they said, burying their face in Lance’s shoulder.

“Told you it would be okay,” he whispered to Pidge.

“Thank you Lance.”

“No problem Gremlin.” He smiled down at them softly. “It’s what big brothers are for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it! Happy Pride to everyone!
> 
> Kudos and comments give me life <3 
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


	25. Long Live the Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves awkwardly* Hi.
> 
> Sooooooo... it too me a while to get around to writing this cause life, work and summer is a thing. Sorry about that. But on with the show!

The paladins were taking a break after a day of training and all of them were plugged into some electronic or other, trying to catch up on everything they had missed since they left Earth while Hunk was making dinner. Suddenly, the peaceful quiet was interrupted by a loud screech. Looking up in alarm, they found that the source of it was Lance who was clutching his chest and staring at his phone in disbelief. 

“Lance?” Shiro asked in concern. “Is everything okay?”

Ignoring them, Lance jumped to his feet.

“HUNK!” He screamed at the top of his lungs.

“Why do you need Hunk?” Keith asked in confusion.

“Umm, only because BEYONCÉ IS HAVING TWINS!” Lance replied, frantically waving his phone around. “OH MY GOD! She released a new album! How did I miss this!”

“We’ve been in space,” Pidge deadpanned.

“Who is this Beyoncé?” Allura quietly asked Shiro. Unfortunately for her, Lance heard and decided to answer himself.

“Only the Queen of Earth.”

“Earth has a queen?” She questioned. “I thought it was a collective of kingdoms ruled by separate leaders, who the people chose.”

“Wrong. Bey is our queen. She rules over us humbly and rewards us with the occasional gift of music. LIKE THIS FREAKING ALBUM! Pidge, I need your headphones or you are all going to listen to Lemonade with me.”

Pidge quickly handed them over. 

“LANCE!” Hunk burst into the room, still wearing his apron. “Queen B! Twins! WHAT!”

“I know!!!”

Hunk sunk to the floor, tears in his eyes. “We’ve been blessed,” he muttered.

Lance collapsed next to his friend. “So blessed.”

“How many queens does Earth have?” Allura asked, still caught on the issue. “Wasn’t there one called Danny? Is this Beyoncé her successor?”

“Dude chill,” Pidge said in disbelief. “This happened months ago. Chill.”

“Hell no,” Lance replied. “We had to deal with you when you saw the announcement for the new Star Wars, you can deal with this.”

Pidge couldn’t really argue considering they had spent a week scouring the internet for any information they could find and sharing it in great detail with anyone who stood still long enough to listen.

They all returned to their devices, Hunk and Lance scurrying off to listen to Lemonade. Allura was left to question the workings of Earthling government. Maybe she would ask Shiro later. He seemed the most likely person to give her some actual answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed it! Comments and kudos give me life. 
> 
> Also, come chat with me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com), I could use more fandom friends ;)


	26. Beach Bums

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me two weeks ago: Hmm I should write something for Lance’s birthday.  
> Me yesterday: Oh shit. It’s tomorrow. 
> 
> It is my blue boy’s birthday and it must be celebrated.

“Guys? Where is everybody?” Lance called as he walked into the kitchen to find it void of life. Grabbing a bowl of green sludge, he continued to the dining room, looking for his teammates. 

“Lance, please report to the bridge immediately.” Allura’s voice came over the castle intercom. 

With a sigh, Lance returned his bowl to the kitchen and quickly jogged to the bridge, finding all his teammates waiting.

“Hey guys, what’s up? Did I forget something that was going on?” He asked, looking to Hunk for an answer.

“Nah, bro. You’re fine. Allura just had an announcement and you’re the only one who wasn’t here yet.” The yellow paladin comforted him.

“Hunk is correct. It has come to my attention that you have been fighting and training without pause for quite some time and have earned yourselves a brief repose,” Allura said to the group. “Coran and I located a nearby planet that seems to be similar to your descriptions of your home planet so we thought you might enjoy a day there.”

“Hell yes!” Lance crowed, not noticing that he was the only who seemed surprised by the announcement. 

“Gather your things,” Allura told them, “and meet me at the castle entrance in one varga.”

Lance rushes out of the room, followed by the others at a more sedate pace. 

“I hope he likes it,” Shiro murmurs to Pidge.

“Did you see his face?” They replied. “He’ll love it.”

One varga later and the paladins found themselves waiting by the castle entrance as Allura set the castle ship to land. She and Coran joined them and the door hissed open to reveal a sight Lance thought he wouldn’t see for ages. He stumbled out of the castle, tripping over his feet in his haste to get onto the planet surface. 

“Did we get it right?” Coran asked the other paladins in worry. “He doesn’t seem happy.”

“He’s just in shock,” Hunk replied. “Give him a minute.”

“Holy shit,” Lance said softly. “It’s a beach. An actual beach. With sand and waves and sun and oh my god. Hunk! It’s a beach!”

The blue paladin whirled around to find the rest of the crew looking at him with smiles on their faces. 

“Happy birthday, Lance.” Hunk grinned at the surprise on his best friends face. “What? You thought I’d forget?”

“No. I just- It’s just that- Is this for me?”

“Of course it is!” Coran exclaimed. “Happy birthday my boy!”

Lance stared in shock before launching himself and the others, grabbing each of them in an exuberant hug which saying ‘thank you’ over and over again. With a delighted laugh he spun away from the group, shedding his shirt as he sprinted towards the water. With a joyful shout he splashed in, collapsing a few feet from the shore, his face spread in the widest grin the other had ever seen on him. 

Lance soon dragged the others into his delighted shenanigans. The spent the morning splashing in the waves and building sand castles. Eventually, Hunk called the others over for lunch. They spread blankets over the sand and devoured the food. Hunk had even managed to magic up a cake of epic proportions which was quickly destroyed by the famished team. 

Once every one was full, they forced Lance to sit still for a few more minutes so they could grab presents. Pidge gave him a gadget that basically worked like an iPod and was full of music they’d found on their laptop and told him that they had installed a radio in Blue. Allura gave him a book to help him learn Altean since he kept asking her questions about it as well as a book of children stories that she had loved. Shiro handed him a large box that was filled with alien make up and beauty products. 

“I just kind of started collecting them whenever I saw them,” he told Lance with a smile. “I figured you’d probably like them more than me.”

Lance launched himself at his leader, giving him a tight hug and thanking him profusely. He only let go when Coran passed him his next gift. 

“This is a traditional Altean gift for when people come of age,” the man explained, seeming uncertain that his gift would be well received.

Opening the box, Lance stared in awe. Inside was a wide golden cuff, studded with blue gems that seemed to hold all the stars in the universe within their facets, and a single golden earing with the same blue gem dangling from it. 

“Oh my goodness Coran. It’s beautiful. Is it really okay to give me this?” Lance asked, running his fingers over the jewelry.

“Of course it is my boy!” Coran smiled at his favourite paladin. “You are part of our family now so you should get proper presents!”

“The earring is special,” Allura piped up. “They can’t be taken off by anyone but the wearer and they don’t fall out.”

“Fascinating,” Pidge muttered, brain already firing away as they thought of all the possibilities this could unlock.

“We can find a machine to pierce your ear later,” Allura continued.

“No need,” Lance replied with a grin, slipping the earing into his right ear.

“Since when are your ears pierced?” Keith asked in surprise.

“Since I was 14.”

“He dragged me along when he got them done,” Hunk added. “Mamá Rosa yelled at him for hours when she found out.”

“Worth it.”

The group laughed at Lance but soon quieted when Hunk pulled out his present. 

“Hunk. Buddy. Did you make me a surf board?”

“Okay, so I know it’s not as good as your board back home but it should still work. I mean I did all the calculations and-”

“Hunk,” Lance interrupted the rambling boy. “My best bro. My darling. My love. I could honestly kiss you right now.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Hunk smiled at his best friend. 

“That’s gay guys,” Pidge deadpanned.

“That’s homophobic Pidge,” Hunk snarked back.

“Yeah! Shut up Pidge. You’re just jealous of our epic bromance.”

“Sure I am.”

Shiro shook his head at them before breaking up the argument. “Hunk, I believe you made some more boards so we could all give it a try?”

“Oh! Yeah! Let me go grab them.”

“I’ll help! Come on Keith, we’re going to need more hands.” Lance dragged the other boy along with him as he raced back to the castle to get the boards.

Soon the group was set up in the shallows, Hunk and Lance taking the lead as they tried to teach the others how to surf. Hunk sent Lance out to demonstrate, watching as his friend expertly caught a wave and rode it back to shore. As soon as his board was secure, Lance launched himself at Hunk, kissing him all over his face and telling him what an amazing present it was. They soon managed to get the others out into the waves. Allura and Coran took a surprisingly short time to get a hang of it, while Pidge had already had a few lessons back on Earth. Shiro used the excuse that his arm offset his balance to sit on the shore and watch at the others tumbled around in the waves. Keith, despite his best efforts, couldn’t seem to stay on his board for more than ten seconds before falling into the sea.

Hunk, bless him, had tried to help but seemed incapable of fixing the problem so he called in the big guns.

“Lance! Help! I can’t fix this. I don’t even know what’s wrong.”

“What makes you think I can help?” Lance called back as he paddled through the water.

“You taught Val to surf,” Hunk replied.

“I guess that’s fair. I mean I love the girl but she has no balance.”

“Who’s Val?” Keith asked as Lance came up beside him, grabbing the board Keith was lying on and holding it steady.

“My sister,” he replied. “Let’s see, Hunk go supervise the others so no one busts their head. You know how Pidgey can get.”

“On it,” Hunk said and paddled off.

“Now then Mullet. What seems to be the problem.”

“I don’t know,” Keith wined. “Every times I try to stand up, I fall.”

“That’s normal for beginners,” Lance reassured him. “Show me your stance. I’ll hold you steady.”

Lance watched closely as Keith kneeled and then stood up briefly before collapsing back on the board as it started to wobble. 

“Okay, so first of all your stance is off and second, you’re too stiff. Think of it like fighting on uneven terrain. You have to constantly adjust your weight so you don’t fall. Feet in a fighting stance. I know you can do that. I’ve seen it a hundred times.”

“Okay,” Keith tried again and again, Lance occasionally reaching out to adjust something. Eventually he managed to catch a wave and stay on his board for most of it, even if he didn’t manage to stand up. 

“Good job!” Lance called with a grin. “Ready to try standing?”

Keith nodded and Lance lined him up to catch the next wave.

“Paddle!” Lance yelled and Keith started to move. He felt the wave under him and managed to keep his balance as he shakily got to his feet.

“Woohoo! Go Keith!” He heard Lance cheer. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of the blue boy, sitting on his board and grinning at Keith as he pushed his wet hair out of his face, the sun glinting off the water and the blue gem in Lance’s ear. Keith face planted into the ocean.

As the sun set, the paladins finally gathered their things and carried them back to the castle. The group watched as Lance paddled out to catch one last wave before they left, laughing at his whoops of joy. He surfed back to the shore, jumping off the board and carrying it back to his friends.

“Thank you guys,” he said with a soft smile. “This was great.”

“No problem Lance,” Hunk said.

“Happy birthday,” Pidge grinned.

They started back to the castle, heading off to wash up and go get some sleep. Lance was the last the leave the beach, looking over his shoulder fondly at the scene as the sun set over the waves, turning the water all shades of pink and red. 

“Hey Lance?”

The boy started, glancing over to find Keith next to him.

“Sup Keithy boy?”

“I just wanted to say thanks for helping me earlier.”

“No problem Mullet man.” Lance grinned at him.

“Also, this is for you,” Keith said with slightly reddened cheeks.

“You got me a present?” Lance asked in surprise.

“Shut up. Just open it already.”

Lance opened the small package to find a piece of blue sea glass on a long black string.

“It’s a piece of sea glass I found back on Earth. It was in my pouch when we took off in Blue.”

Lance starred at the necklace, a shocked look on his face.

“I know it’s not as fancy as what Coran gave you,” Keith continued, glancing at the earring Lance was still wearing, “but I figured you might like something from Earth that you could carry around with you.”

When Lance didn’t reply, Keith panicked.

“You don’t like it. It’s fine. I’ll take it back.” He reached for the string only to have it snatched away as Lance danced backwards, shaking his head.

“Um, no? This is mine now. I love it and I’m never taking it off,” he stated, slipping the string over his head. “Thanks Keith,” he said, clutching the glass tightly in his hand.

“You’re welcome,” Keith replied with a soft smile. “Happy Birthday Lance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog, talk to me. I am here for all the fandom trash.
> 
> Also I'm going on vacation for the next two weeks cause it's my bday on the 30th. I probably won't have time to write so I'll see you guys when I get back!


	27. Be Creative!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back again! Sorry for the delay and enjoy the chapter!

“Do you have a solution number five?” Coran asked Pidge.

“Eh, we can get creative. I’m sure I’ll think of something,” they replied.

“You’re the green paladin Pidgey. Green is not a creative colour,” Lance called from the other side of the room.

Hunk started shaking his head and muttering to himself about notebooks and singing clocks.

“Shut the hell up Lance. I did not need a reminder of that,” Pidge glared at the blue paladin.

“Wait, what?” Keith asked. 

Lance stared at him in disbelief. “How have you not seen ‘Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared’? I figured it would be your kind of thing.”

“Don’t hug me I’m what now?” Shiro asked, walking into the room.

“Don’t hug me I’m scared. It’s a YouTube thing. Every time a new one comes out it goes viral,” Lance replied.

“They’re mildly traumatizing but they’re really well made,” Pidge added.

“If they’re only ‘mildly’ traumatizing then why is Hunk currently rocking himself on the floor?” Shiro asked. 

“Some people take it worse than others?” Pidge suggested innocently. “Anyways, since we have internet, we need to show you guys these. Someone grab Allura. It’s time for another exposure to Earth culture.”

The team soon regrouped in the rec room and Pidge hooked up their laptop with the screen.

**Sketchbook:** "What's your favorite idea? Mine is being creative."  
**Yellow Guy:** "How do you get the idea?"  
**Sketchbook:** "I just try to think cre-ativ-ly. Now when you look at this orange, tell me please, what do you see?"  
**Bird Guy:** "It's just a boring old orange!"  
**Sketchbook:** "Maybe to you, but not to me. I see a silly face!"  
**Yellow Guy:** "Wow!"  
**Sketchbook:** "Walking along and smiling at me."  
**Bird Guy:** "I don't see what you mean!"  
**Sketchbook:** "'Cause you're not thinking cre-ativ-ly! So take a look at my hair. (cool) I use my hair to express myself."  
**Red Guy:** "That sounds really boring."  
**Sketchbook:** "I use my hair to express myself. Now, when you stare at the clouds in the sky, don't you find them exciting?"  
**All except Sketchbook:** "No."  
**Sketchbook:** "Come on, take another look!"  
**Yellow Guy:** "Oh wait!"  
**All except Sketchbook:** "I can see a hat! I can see a cat! I can see a man with a baseball bat! I can see a dog! I can see a frog! I can see a ladder leaning on a log!"  
**Sketchbook:** "I think you're getting the hang of it now. Using your minds to have a good time."  
**Yellow Guy:** "I might paint a picture of a clown!"  
**Sketchbook:** "Hold there, friend. You might need to slow down. (pours black paint on the clown painting) Here's another good tip."  
**All except Sketchbook:** "Yeah?"  
**Sketchbook:** "On how to be a creative wizkid, go and collect some leaves and sticks and arrange them to your favorite color."  
**Red Guy:** "Blue!"  
**Bird Guy:** "Red!"  
**Yellow Guy:** "Green!"  
**Sketchbook:** "Green is not a creative color."  
**Yellow Guy:** *sighs*  
**Sketchbook:** "There's one more thing that you need to know, before you let your creativity flow. Listen to your heart. Listen to the rain. Listen to the voices in your brain! Come on, guys! Let's get creative!"

_The three puppets started to decorate the table with sparkles and letters. Suddenly a human heart appeared on the table and they covered it with glitter. They were soon all dancing and spinning in circles. A cake filled with organs was passed around and_ ‘DEATH’ _spelled out on the table. Everything got progressively faster until the puppets were whirling around the screen screaming._

_Suddenly the screen went black and everything reverted to normal._

**Sketchbook:** "Now, let's all agree to never be creative again.”

“What. The actual _fuck_. Did I just watch,” Shiro said flatly.

“Language!” Lance gasped in mock outrage. “Keith! What have you been teaching your younger brother!”

“No seriously,” Shiro said again. “What the ever loving hell what that? Why does it exist?”

“The internet is a strange and magical place,” Pidge replied with a smirk.

“That was great,” Keith said. “Can we watch it again?”

“I am concern about the mental stability of the human race,” Coran whispered to Allura.

“Time for the second video!” Lance cried, interrupting the others.

“There’s more of them?” Shiro and Keith asked simultaneously, though their tones were very different. Shiro’s voice was a mix of concern and horror while Keith’s seemed to quaver with barely contained excitement.

“Yeah, six of them.”

“Oh good lord, I’m not getting out of this until we watch all of them am I?”

“Nope,” Lance grinned at their leader. 

Shiro groaned and settled in, wondering with morbid curiosity what the other videos would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	28. Come on Barbie, let's go party!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni is trying to kill me and certain chapters refuse to come out of my brain but we're getting there. The ideas are endless and soon it will be time for the Mario Kart chapter.

Allura should have known that it was only a matter of time before the paladins began singing another of their strange Earth songs. She could honestly say she wasn’t all that surprised when she walked in to breakfast and joined the others at the table with her bowl of goo only to hear Lance sing as he walked in with Hunk.

“ _I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world._ ”

“ _Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_ ” Pidge sang from their seat and Lance grinned at them.

“ _You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere,_ ” Hunk sang, pulling up his shirt as Pidge and Lance wolf whistled. 

“ _Imagination, life is your creation!_ ” They sang together.

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ” Shiro said in a deep monotone voice.

They stared at him in shock before bursting into laughter and continuing the song.

“ _I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world,_  
_Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_  
_You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_  
_Imagination, life is your creation!_ ”

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ” Shiro sang again, Lance answering him with a ‘ah-ah-ah-yeah’.

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ”

“ _Uu-oooh-u, uu-oooh-u,_ ” Pidge and Hunk replied.

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ”

“ _Ah-ah-ah-yeah._ ”

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ”

“ _Uu-oooh-u, uu-oooh-u._ ”

“ _Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please,_ ” Lance sang as he strutted over to Keith, “ _I can act like a star,_ ” he struck a pose before dropping to his knees, “ _I can beg on my knees,_ ” he gazed imploringly up at Keith who stared at him in shock, his face turning red. Lance however spun away, continuing his dance. 

“ _Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again, hit the town, fool around, let's go party!_ ”

“ _You can touch,_ ” Hunk joined his friend again, impressed and concerned with the number of lyrics that Lance knew, “ _you can play, if you say, ‘I'm always yours.’_ ”

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ” Shiro sang.

“ _Ah-ah-ah-yeah._ ”

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ”

“ _Uu-oooh-u, uu-oooh-u,_ ” Pidge and Hunk replied.

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ”

“ _Ah-ah-ah-yeah._ ”

“ _Come on, Barbie, let's go party!_ ”

“ _Uu-oooh-u, uu-oooh-u._ ”

“ _I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world,_ ” the whole group sang together. “ _Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere! Imagination, life is your creation._ ”

The four collapsed into laughter as Coran and Allura gazed at them in concern.

“Do you see why me, a humble emo, cannot survive out here?” Keith said to the still giggling group.

“I dunno Keith,” Hunk said. “Barbie girl is a classic. If you can’t see that there’s going to be a strain on our friendship.”

“That song is highly concerning,” Allura said gazing at the paladins who seemed to be recovering on the floor.

“Yeah,” Lance said, “but its catchy and fun to sing.”

“Indeed it is my boy,” Coran exclaimed. “I shall you to show me more of your Earth music. I find it most enjoyable.”

“Sure thing Coran,” Lance replied, smiling at the man. “Just tell me when and I’d be more than happy to show you.”

“No convincing him that Nyan cat is the anthem of Earth,” Shiro said, raising his eyebrow at Lance.

“But Daaaaaaaaaadddddddd!” Lance whined.

“You ruin all our fun,” Pidge sighed. “Come on Coran. We’ll show you Shiro favourite song: Psy’s ‘Daddy.’”

The pair escorted Coran out leaving a sputtering Shiro in their wake. Keith snickered at his misfortune before scurrying after the others as Allura decided to interrogate the black paladin about his ‘favourite’ song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	29. I Say Vol-

“I just don’t get why it’s so hard!” Lance exclaimed. “The instructions are there. I saw Vol, you say Tron. Vol,” he said pointing to himself. “Tron.” He pointed to Keith.

“But it makes no sense,” the red paladin complained, completely exasperated with the argument which had been going on and off since Arus. “One person saying it makes so much more sense!”

“But that’s not the point! It’s supposed to be a team cheer!”

“It’s faster and more effective!”

“Oh come on! Where’s Hunk? He’ll do it right. Damn, he’s helping Coran.” Lance pouted only the grin when Pidge walked into the room Keith and Lance were occupying. “Pidge! I say Vol you say?”

“-demort,” Pidge replied with an evil smirk.

Lance stared at them, a variety of emotions playing across his face. 

“I hate you and everything you stand for,” he said settling for a mix of disappointment and disgust. 

“No you don’t,” Pidge laughed. “You’re just mad that you didn’t think of it first. Besides, it’s better than Shiro’s vol-kswagen.”

With a grin at the two boys, Pidge skipped from the room singing to themselves, “Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh voldy voldy voldy Voldemort!”

“Guess you’ll never get to do the cheer properly huh,” Keith said with an unrepentant grin.

“Shut up, Keith.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but I have another chapter almost done, I'm just waiting on my friend to finish a drawing for it.
> 
> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	30. I Want a Hippopotamus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Keith's birthday so have a chapter about our favourite red paladin when he was smol.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to [thehushmonalisa](http://thehushmonalisa.tumblr.com), my darling beta who asked for this. 
> 
> Happy Birthday to Keef!

For some reason, the conversation in the rec room had turned to stories about stupid things they had done as kids. 

Pidge pouted about the time Matt had run into their room and messed with their code, leading them to almost get caught hacking into a governmental database. They were 8 at the time. 

“Oh god, so you guys know Lance’s favourite animals are sharks and that he basically loves anything to do with the ocean right?” Hunk said.

The others nodded for him to continue. “He was a nightmare when Finding Nemo came out,” Hunk sighed. “He refused to eat fish for three years after he saw it. His mom was ready to kill him.”

“Fish are friends, not food! You know this Hunk!” The blue paladin shouted defensively. 

“I can top that,” Shiro said with a grin.

“How?” Pidge asked, always up for gathering blackmail on their friends. “What did you do?”

“Oh not me,” he replied with a grin. “Keith.”

“You mean he didn’t emerge from the womb as a miniature grumpy emo?” Lance grinned.

“Nope, he was adorable. And I can prove it. Pidge I need your laptop.”

“Why?”

“YouTube.”

“Oh please no. Shiro, you can’t do this to me,” Keith said, staring at Shiro with trepidation. “I have a reputation.”

“Too bad. This is what siblings are for.”

Grabbing Pidge’s computer, Shiro loaded up the internet and typed in his search, knowing the exact name of the video he wanted. Meanwhile, Keith seemed to be trying to curl himself into a ball and disappear into the floor.

Plugging the computer into the projection system, Shiro brought up a black screen and pressed play. 

The image was not of the highest quality, clearly an old home video. On the screen, a small boy with fluffy black hair was hugging a stuffed hippo and staring at the person behind the camera. 

“Is that Keith?” Lance exclaimed. “How old were you?”

“Four,” Keith grumbled.

“Wanna sing us your favourite song?” A male voice came from the person filming. 

The Keith on the screen shook his head, hiding behind his cuddly toy. 

“Come on baby. You were doing it a minute ago,” said a female voice.

“But Papa has the camera,” Keith whined.

“We just want to show others your singing.” 

Keith took a deep breath before nodding and, hugging his hippo tightly, he started to sing.

“ _I want a hippopotamus for Christmas,_ ” he sang unsurely. “ _Only a hippopotamus will do. Don't want a doll, no dinky tinker toy, I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy._ ”

The more the boy sang, the surer he sounded.

“ _I want a hippopotamus for Christmas_  
_I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?_  
_He won't have to use a dirty chimney flue,_  
_Just bring him through the front door,_  
_That's the easy thing to do!_  
_I can see me now on Christmas morning,_  
_Creeping down the stairs._  
_Oh what joy, what surprise,_  
_When I open up my eyes,_  
_To see a hippo hero standing there._  
_I want a hippopotamus for Christmas._  
_Only a hippopotamus will do._  
_No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses,_  
_I only likes hippopotamuses._  
_And hippopotamuses like me, too!_

Deciding he was done, the small boy went back to hiding his face in his toy. 

“Mama?” He said, peaking over the toys head.

“Yes, baby?”

“Can I have one? Please?” The small boy gave what could possibly be considered the best puppy dog eyes in existence.

“But baby, where would you put it?”

“In my room!” Keith exclaimed as if struck by a brilliant plan. He grinned up at his parents. “So, can I?”

“We’ll have to see what Santa brings you kiddo,” his dad replied.

With that the video ended, leaving the paladins in silence.

“Oh. My. God.” Pidge stared at the blank screen. “How were you so cute? How is that legal? What the hell happened?”

“Shut up,” Keith muttered, blushing.

“It’s adorable and you know it, Keith,” Shiro grinned.

“Fuck you.” Came the reply.

“So Keith,” Lance piped up from his side of the couch, “did you ever get a hippo?”

“No,” the red paladin pouted, making the resemblance between him and his younger self more obvious than ever.

Refusing to save his brother from embarrassment, Shiro decided to add to the story.

“On Christmas, he cried for hours when didn’t get one. He didn’t stop until his dad dresses up in a hippo costume and crawled around, carrying him. Even then, the only reason he stopped was to tell his dad he’d rather have a real hippo.”

“Damn,” Hunk whistled.

“Baby Keith was savage,” Lance laughed, glancing at the red-faced paladin.

“Shut it sharkboy,” Keith mock glared at him.

“Don’t worry Keith,” Lance replied, still laughing. “We’ll get you a hippo one day.”

“No Lance,” Shiro said. “Do not make that promise. He _will_ hold you to it.”

“Too late,” Keith grinned. “I was promised a hippo. I’m getting a hippo.”

“It’s fine. I can get one easily enough.” Lance smiled at the astonished group. 

“Can you really?”

“What? But how!” Shiro exclaimed.

“I have mad skills.” With that, Lance stood and left the room, Hunk scurrying after him.

“When are you planning to tell them your uncle owns a zoo with three hippos?” He asked his best friend. 

“After I show up at Keith’s door with one in tow,” Lance replied with a grin. “You gonna ruin my fun?”

“Hell no. I wanna see Pidge and Shiro’s faces when you actually follow through. It’s gonna be great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	31. Truth or dare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys what guys! It's Nanowrimo! And guess who doesn't have a plan for a novel? That's right. It's me. 
> 
> So instead imma spend my time writing a bunch of short which include chapters for this fic. I guess that's good news for you guys.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

The paladins were relaxing in the lounge between missions. There hadn’t been much Galra activity lately and both Keith and Shiro had both taken a break from training to join the other humans. Pidge and Hunk were tinkering with some machine or other while Lance lay upside down next to them, throwing in the occasional comment. Keith and Shiro looked on to what seemed to be a usual occurrence for the garrison trio.

After a while, Lance seemed to get bored, becoming more and more fidgety. 

“Hey Lance,” Pidge said without looking up, having apparently noticed their friend’s movements. “Truth or dare?”

Lance perked up. “Hmmm. A difficult question Pidgey. Truth.”

“First crush?”

“Oh don’t be boring.”

“I could say the same to you truth boy.”

“Fair enough, but I’m sticking to it.”

Pidge grinned. “Fine then. Are you a furry?”

“WHAT?!” Lance screeched.

“It’s a valid question bro,” Hunk said. “You were flirting pretty hard with that alien the other day.”

“I’m not a furry!” Lance insisted.

“He had fur Lance. You can’t fool us,” Pidge cackled.

“Yeah, and then there was that mermaid. Pretty sure that would be a furry thing too.”

“It’s not my fault aliens look different! And the mermaids were awesome.”

“I don’t hear you denying it,” Pidge sing-songed.

“Ug, fine. If that’s what it takes. I guess I’m a furry.”

“Knew it.” Pidge said, holding a hand out to Hunk who silently passed them ten bucks.

“Really Hunk?” Shiro said, laughing at the paladins’ shenanigans.

“I had faith in my bro,” Hunk sighed. “He let me down.”

“It’s not my fault! The aliens are hot!” Lance cried.

“You think everyone is hot Lance,” Hunk replied with a sigh.

“That’s fair,” Lance said after a moment of silence. 

“Right then,” he continued, “Hunky babe, truth or dare.”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to get me a tray of snacks.” Lance smiled at his friend when Hunk turned to him with playful annoyance.

“Go get your own food,” he groused.

“Ah, ah, ah! A dare is a dare. Do you want to pay the penalty?”

“I don’t think Allura or Coran would be impressed to find any of us streaking in the Castle.”

With a sigh, Hunk got to his feet. “I’ll be back in a bit. Pidge take my turn.”

“Can do,” they replied, finally setting aside their project. “Shiro, truth or dare.”

“Umm, I don’t want any part in this game.”

“Too late Fearless Leader,” Lance grinned at Shiro. “You’re in the room, you’re playing. And don’t even think about it Mullet Man, I can see you edging towards the door.”

“Fine.” Keith pouted but settled back into his seat.

“Now then Shiro,” Pidge said again, “truth or dare.”

“Truth I suppose.”

“You suppose? Well then, I’ll just have to ‘suppose’ to ask you since when you’re crushing on Allura.”

Shiro froze. “No comment,” he stated flatly.

“Oh come on. This isn’t a press interview. It’s a game. Besides, what’s said in truth or dare stays in truth or dare.”

Seeing that they weren’t going to budge and that Keith was not going to save him from the embarrassment, Shiro sighed.

“I don’t know. A couple of weeks?”

“Damn, were you really oblivious to it before?” Lance said with surprise. “I was sure you’d noticed.”

“Yeah,” Pidge hummed. “Does that mean you were unconsciously pining for months? Damn, that’s actually kinda sad.”

“Shut it,” Shiro replied hotly. “Pidge, truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

“First crush.”

“Wow you’re old. Never had one. I’m ace. Moving on, Lancey Lance.”

“Truth,” Lance responded instantly.

“Wow, you guys are boring. No dares to be seen. Who’s the prettiest person in the room.”

Seeing him open his mouth with a wide grin, they quickly added, “You can’t say yourself.”

Lance paused, considering. “Keith then.”

“Wait really?” Pidge said as Keith’s head snapped up to stare at Lance incredulously. 

“Yeah? Aesthetically he’s the prettiest here. I mean Shiro’s attractive but its more rugged than pretty and you’re a giant nerd Pidgeon.”

“That’s fair.” Pidge sighed. “I guess it’s your turn.”

“Perfect.” With a smirk, Lance turned to Keith who was still frozen after the previous question. 

“Hey Keithy Boy, truth or dare.”

With no response from the red paladin, Lance flipped himself off the couch and moved in front of him, snapping his fingers to get his attention.”

“Mullet? Come on buddy, truth or dare?”

“Umm,” Keith shook himself out of his reverie. “Truth?” He asked, glancing up at Lance.

“Right follow the pattern,” Pidge muttered to themselves. 

“Hush Pidgey,” Lance replied. “You asking or telling me samurai?”

“Telling,” Keith said more surely. “Truth.”

“Perfect. I have always wondered. Why did you get kicked out of the Garrison?”

At the question, both Shiro and Keith froze.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said slowly. “What?”

“Oh shit,” Keith said quietly, edging away from Shiro and towards the door.

“And where do you think you’re going young man?” Shiro said with a terrifying benevolent smile. Space Dad was out in full force. “What does he mean ‘why did you get kicked out of the Garrison?’”

“Oops,” Lance whispered to Pidge. “Guess he didn’t know.”

“Yeah, no shit,” they whispered back.

“It’s not what it looks like Shiro. I swear I can explain,” Keith said desperately. 

“Indeed. And you will do so. Right now.”

“Well you see,” Keith said slowly before jumping to his feet and sprinting for the door.

Unfortunately for him, Shiro seemed to have been expecting the move and grabbed his younger brother by the scruff of his jacket.

“I repeat, where do you think you’re going?” 

“Damn it,” Keith muttered.

“You should know that trick hasn’t worked since you were ten. Now, talk.”

“Fine,” Keith pouted as he hung from his brother’s grip. “So what happened was…”

Keith slipped from his jacket and ran through the door.

“Shit. I thought he was too big to pull that now,” Shiro said before sprinting after Keith.

Lance and Pidge sat in stunned silence, the only sounds those of pounding footsteps followed by a terrified scream. They could only assume that Shiro had caught his prey.

Moments later, Hunk walked back into the room with a tray of food. 

“Hey guys, I just saw Shiro running down the hallway. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah…” Lance said hesitantly. 

“Lance fucked up.” Pidge said flatly.

“Hey! It’s not my fault! How was I to know that Keith hadn’t told Shiro he’d gotten kicked out of the Garrison?”

“Oh yeah. That would do it,” Hunk muttered. “Space Dad can be terrifying.”

“Tell me about it.” Pidge sighed.

“So…” Hunk glanced at the other occupants of the room. “Should we assume Keith has been murdered?”

“I think that’s a pretty good possibility,” Pidge replied. “Best case scenario, he’s going to be kidnapped by Shiro until he confesses.”

“Let’s go tell Allura we need a new Red Paladin.” Lance grinned. “Hey, maybe we can get someone hot this time.”

“Lance, you just confessed to thinking Keith was pretty. Stop being contrary.”

“What? Not true. Fake news. Never happened,” the blue paladin insisted as he shook his head emphatically.

“I leave for five minutes,” Hunk sighed. “Why do I always miss the klance?”

“ ‘Cause the universe wants you to suffer.” Pidge stated flatly. “Why do you and Allura even ship it? It’s going to crash and burn.”

“Because it’s adorable,” Hunk replied. 

“Klance?” Lance asked his friends.

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll figure it out eventually,” Pidge said.

“Here, have your snacks.” Hunk handed Lance the tray, succeeding in temporarily distracting him from the issue.

Quietly munching on his crackers, Lance resolved to ask Keith if he knew what they meant. It couldn’t possibly be that Hunk and Allura shipped him and Keith. That was just ridiculous. They were rivals. It must be an alien thing. He’d ask Coran.

Nodding to himself, Lance finished his snack and went back to sitting upside down on the couch as his friends continued their projects. It had been a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	32. It's Race Time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Midterm season? Never heard of it. Univerity who? I am an irresponsible student who ignores classwork in favour of writing fanfiction. 
> 
> This is fine.

“Hey Allura?”

“Yes Pidge?” The princess replied, glancing up from the plans she was studying.

“I want a rematch,” the green paladin stated.

“A rematch?” Allura asked. “Whatever for?”

“For the sock race.”

“You want to do another sock race?” Lance turned to face the pair.

“No.” Pidge grinned. “I want to challenge you to a race of one of the greatest Earth sports for young ones in gym class.”

“Oh dear lord no,” Hunk said, his face paling.

“They don’t mean _that_ do they?” Keith asked Lance.

“I think they do.”

“I challenge you to a Scooter Board race,” Pidge cackled. 

“I don’t see why not,” Allura replied, putting down the plans she was studying and following the green paladin.

“If I win, we get to skip training team training for the day,” Pidge added.

“Very well, let us see what you can do.”

With the promise of a possible lack of training, the others quickly followed them.

“Where did you even find scooter boards Pidgey? We’re in space,” Lance asked his small friend.

“I made them,” came the nonchalant reply.

“You wanted to beat Allura so badly that you made the hell traps from gym class so we could have a race?” Hunk clarified.

“Well when you put it that way, it sounds bad.” Pidge sighed.

“Look at our little Pidgey. Already evolving and becoming petty,” Lance grinned, snuggling the green paladin. “I’m so proud.”

“Shut up Lance,” they pouted. 

“So, we’re all participating right?” Keith asked from beside the group.

“Yeah,” Pidge replied opening the door to their hanger. “I mean, you don’t have to but I made one for each of us.”

They grabbed a box and started pulling out scooter boards and handing them to the appropriately coloured individual. Each paladin’s scooter board matched their lion, while Allura had a pink one and Coran a bright orange. 

Having collected their boards, they made their way back to the hall where the sock race had occurred. 

“The rules are simple, you hold on to the handles and using only your feet, try to get to the finish line as quickly as possible,” Pidge said seriously. “Interference is allowed, cause it wouldn’t be a proper race otherwise.”

“Hey Pidge,” Keith called, “can we have a trial run each? I haven’t done this in years and I’d rather have a fighting chance.”

“What?” Lance said jokingly. “Something the great Keith Kogane isn’t perfect at? This I must see.”

“Shut up Lance,” Keith grumbled.

“He has a point though,” Shiro said. “How about we each have a trial run down the hall without other people so we can figure out who this works.”

“Fine,” Pidge sighed. “Everyone gets a free run down the hall while I set up the finish line. Fifty meters good?”

Getting an affirmative answer from the others, Pidge set off down the hall.

“How hard can this be?” Hunk said with mild trepidation. “We used to do this all the time in gym class.”

“Do you remember the injuries these things caused?” Lance said quietly to Keith. “‘Cause I do.”

“God,” Keith shuddered. “It got so bad at my school that they banned them. I think I broke a kids nose at one point.”

With a sigh, the two turned to watch as Shiro showed the Alteans how to sit on the board to avoid most harm. 

“Here just copy me,” Hunk said as he folded himself onto the board and pushed off to glide down the hall.

A little less surely, Coran followed, going a few feet before increasing his speed as he gained confidence.

Allura pushed off, gliding smoothly. It was at the second push that the inevitable happened. Feeling more sure of herself, she has loosened her grip and doomed herself as her fingers were caught in the wheels, starling a pained cry from her.

“Oh shit,” Lance muttered. “I’d forgotten to warn them about that.”

“Ouch. Are you okay Princess?” Shiro called as he hurried to her side.

“I am fine,” she replied, blowing on her fingers to cool the stinging pain.

“Someone get their fingers caught?” Pidge called as they came back down the hall.

“Yeah, the Princess,” Lance replied.

“Oops. I should have put guards on the wheels.”

“Nah, the threat of pain and the loss on extremities is part of the fun.” Lance grinned. “Now you ready to get this race underway?”

“Hell yeah. Think you can beat me lover boy?” Pidge grinned back.

“Oh honey,” Lance smirked at the smaller paladin. “Just you wait.”

“Oh it is on.” Pidge grinned at him before turning to the others. “Ready?”

“Of course Pidge,” Allura smiled. “I shan’t back down from the challenge because of some small injury.”

“Glad to hear it,” they replied. “One more rule before we start, you fall off your board, you lose. No restarts and no cheating.”

“Sounds good,” Shiro replied as the others nodded, settling down on the floor in a neat row.

“Ready?” Coran asked.

“Set!” Pidge yelled.

“GO!” Lance screamed, laughing as he shoved himself down the hall, sailing ahead of the group.

“Get back here Lance!” Pidge shouted, racing after the boy.

“Make me Pidgeot!” 

The others scrambled the follow, Keith and Allura narrowly avoiding colliding with each other as they pursued the laughing pair. 

Shiro and Coran were not so lucky, crashing into each other almost instantly and tumbling to the floor as Hunk scooted past them.

“Slow and steady wins the race,” he said before putting his feet to the floor and pushing, careening down the hall. 

He soon caught up to Keith and Allura, pushing himself so he shoved into the pair of them. Keith, who he’d hit directly, landed on the floor with Hunk sprawled on top of him, their scooter boards continuing down the hall without them.

Allura managed to escape but as soon as she seemed to be free from danger, she miscalculated her push and launched herself off the board, crashing to the ground with a loud ‘Oomph.’

She looked up just in time to see Pidge trip Lance and sail smoothly across the finish line. With a loud whoop, Pidge leapt to their feet.

“Victory is mine!” They cried.

Lance glared up at them from the floor. “Cheater,” he muttered.

“What was that Lance?” Pidge asked, settling cross legged on the blue paladin’s chest and refusing to move when he shoved at them. “I can’t hear you over the sound of my victory.”

“Get off me you brat,” he replied. “You’re heavy.”

“Not until you admit that I won.”

“Oh, you won did you?” He said with a smirk. As he spoke, he grabbed Pidge by the hips and started tickling them, blocking their escape attempts with his longer limbs.

“Stop it!” Pidge screeched in laughter, desperately trying to wiggle free from the boy.

“Nope,” Lance giggled. “Not until you admit that I’m the best.”

“The best at being a pain in the ass maybe!”

“What was that Pidgey?”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! You’re the best Lance! Please! Just stop!”

“There we go,” Lance grinned down at Pidge as they collapsed on his chest. “Was that so hard?”

“Yes,” they pouted.

“Think of it this way,” he said soothingly, stroking their hair so it lay neatly, “we don’t have training so you have the whole day to tinker with your machines and make us even more awesome.”

“Actually,” Allura piped up, “I believe it may be a good idea for you try the mind meld today.”

“That’s not fair!” Hunk cried. “You promised!”

“They do have a point Princess,” Coran said calmly. “It would be unbecoming to break a promise simply because you did not win.”

“Oh all right, you have earned yourselves a break.”

With a whoop, Pidge leapt to their feet, dragging Lance with them by the hand.

“Freedom!” They cried, pausing only to grab Hunk’s hand before running down the hallway. As they passed Shiro and Keith, Lance scooped a surprised red paladin onto his shoulder.

“Wait what?” Keith said from his new position, too stunned to fight Lance as he bounced on his shoulder.

“Time for fun samurai!” Lance grinned.

“But I was going to go to the training deck,” Keith sulked.

“Nope,” Lance laughed. “No training today. Time for adventures.”

“We’ve almost got the console working,” Pidge called. “Let’s see if we can set up a video game.”

“Sounds good,” Hunk replied.

“What games do we even have?” Lance asked, unbothered by the now squirming paladin who he carried.

“Well, there’s that one that we got at the Space Mall and the drive Allura’s friends gave us had a bunch. I think we have Mario Kart?”

“Oh hell yes. Who’s up for a tournament?”

“I’ll go get us some snacks,” Hunk said. “I feel like we’re going to be at this for a while.”

“Thanks Hunk!” Lance called with a brilliant smile as his friend broke off from the group.

“No problem buddy. By the way? You might want to put Keith down. He seems a bit upset.”

“Hmm? Oh right. Sorry Mullet.” Lance placed Keith back on his feet before grabbing his and Pidge’s hands. “Now let’s go play some video games!” He cried, dragging the two smaller paladins after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	33. Blue Shells and Rainbow Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is finally the Mario Kart chapter people were asking for. Hope you guys enjoy it!

After a half hour of tinkering, the four paladins managed to set up the console and get it working.

“Mario Kart?” Lance said to Pidge.

“Mario Kart.”

Plugging in the game and four controllers, they settled onto the floor in front of the screen. Keith immediately picked his kart settings, having memorized the best combination years ago. Pidge settled after a couple of minutes of switching, quickly remembering which settings they preferred. Hunk and Lance took longer, Hunk because he kept getting distracted by the kart designs and Lance because he was endlessly searching for the fastest kart. Eventually, Keith gave up on waiting patiently. Snatching the controller from the blue paladin’s grip, he set up the kart and accepted it before Lance could react.

“Hey!” Lance exclaimed. “I was still picking my kart!”

“If we’d let you continue, we never would have gotten around to playing,” Keith stated flatly, settling back into his position cross-legged next to Lance even as the other boy continued to pout at him.

While the pair were distracted, Pidge chose a cup for them to race in. Without the consent or knowledge of the others, Pidge had doomed them to the worst race in the game. 

“Guys, I’d pay attention if I were you. The race is starting,” they said offhandedly.

“What?” Lance shouted. “What the hell Pidge? Which cup is this?”

“You’ll see,” Pidge replied with a maniacal grin.

“3, 2, 1, GO!” They called and the frantic pressing of buttons began. 

For thirty seconds after the race started, silence reigned as the four focused desperately on the screen. Then, the paladins started squabbling. 

“No sabotage!” Lance cried when Pidge physically shoved into his side at the start of the second lap, making Lance miss the turn and slip from the track. Lakitu rescued him. 

“All the sabotage,” they replied unapologetically. “You have to set those rules at the start if you don’t want to pay the consequences.”

“Callate, pendejo,”1 Lance said vindictively before taking advantage of his long legs and blocking Pidge’s sight of the screen.

“No fair Lance!”

“Bite me Gremlin!” He said with a laugh, passing Pidge on screen. Both failed to notice Keith stealing first place until he was comfortably in front of them.

“What the hell!” Lance shouted. “When the fuck did _Ketih_ get to the front?!”

“While you two were busy arguing like idiots, some of us have been playing to win.” The red paladin smirked in reply.

“Mierda,”2 Lance muttered before grinning as he picked up a chance cube.

“Do it,” Pidge whispered to him, noticing his prize.

“Did you just blue shell me!” Keith shouted indignantly seconds later.

“Eat it Mullet!” Lance cackled, stealing the first spot only to immediately be hit by a red shell.

“Pay back’s a bitch,” Keith smirked.

“Sorry Lance,” Hunk said, his smile showing far less remorse than his words indicated.

“How could you Hunk!” Lance pretended to tear up. “I thought you loved me! You were going to be my best man! We were going to grow old together and our kids would be best friends!”

“That’s gay Lance,” Pidge said, staring intently at the screen.

“Shut up, Pidgey. I’ve just been betrayed. I am the victim of a horrendous act of unlawful treason!”

“Stop being a drama queen and get your head in the race,” Keith scoffed. “At this rate, Pidge is going to win.”

As he said, Pidge had managed to slip ahead while Lance wallowed in misery and betrayal.

“How dare you Gremlin. I trusted you,” Lance said.

“A horrible decision really,” they replied dismissively.

Unable to change the fate of the race, Pidge took first place seconds before Hunk and Keith crossed the finish line. Lance came in sixth. 

“Come on Lance,” they smirked at him, “I thought you were supposed to be good at this game.”

“Callate, mocoso.3 I’ll get you next time.”

“Bring it loser.”

“Oh it is on.”

The second race started. Pidge won again but Lance managed to snatch second place from Keith at the last second, climbing back up the ranks on the leaderboard. He finally managed to win the third race, lording it over the others.

“Lance, you’re still in second on the cup because you fucked up the first race,” Pidge reminded him.

“Shut up, Pidge. I’ll win the last one and steal the crown from you.”

“No you won’t,” came the assured reply.

“And how do you know that?” Lance asked.

“ ‘Cause you can barely finish this race, let alone win it,” they said with a grin.

“You didn’t,” Lance gasped, coming to the horrifying realization of what awaited them on the next course.

“Of course I did. What do you take me for? A nice person?”

“You are an evil evil Gremlin who is doomed to burn in the fiery pits of hell,” Lance moaned.

“What’s wrong with him?” Keith asked.

“He just realized Rainbow Road is next,” Hunk sighed. “I hate that track.”

“But, how did he not realize? It was obvious. None of the other cups have the races we did before,” Keith said, confused by Lance’s dramatics.

“Fuck off Mullet,” Lance snarked. “Not all of us can have the cups memorized.”

“Oh,” Keith said quietly. Settling in for the race, ignoring the others as Hunk and Pidge sent him apologetic glances for Lance’s idiocy.

“Right then,” Pidge said, breaking the tension that always seemed to arise between the blue and red paladins. “Let’s get this race underway!”

“Last place has to do first place’s laundry for a week!” Pidge called as they started.

“Deal!” Lance and Hunk called back. 

The screen counted down, and the paladins accelerated down the track. Moments later, Lance started swearing viciously in a mash of Spanish and English as he repeatedly fell from the track.

Hunk was only slightly ahead of him, his slow and steady method allowing him to stay on track, even if he did fall behind the pack. To Lance’s great pleasure, Pidge was also having trouble with the track. 

‘Good,’ he thought vindictively. ‘At least they won’t win.’

It was only then that he noticed who was holding on to first place.

“Keith, how the hell can you do this track?” He whined.

“I’ve always been able to?” Keith replied unsurely. “I mean, I played this game so often as a kid that I basically have most tracks memorized.”

“You were a very lonely child weren’t you,” Lance said.

“Why do you say that?” Keith asked.

“Only loners who spend hours alone in game can actually play Rainbow Road perfectly. You must not have had any friends,” Lance replied.

“Shut up,” Keith muttered, pouting even as he finished the race.

“Lance, stop bullying your boyfriend,” Pidge said, finishing in third.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Lance shouted indignantly.

“Then stop flirting with him!”

“I don’t flirt with Keith! Hunk! Tell them I don’t flirt with Keith!”

“Sorry buddy,” Hunk piped up as he finally completed the race. “You totally do.”

“No I don’t!” Lance insisted. 

“Yes, you do,” Pidge replied.

“Do not.”

“Do to.”

“Do _not._ ”

“Do to.”

“Do not.”

“Do not.” Pidge said with a smirk.

“Do _to_!” Lance cried.

“Well, if you’re so insistent, we can all agree that you flirt with Keith. Good to know,” Pidge grinned.

“Wait, what?” Lance asked.

“Your ass just got Looney Tooned,” Pidge smirked.

“Shut up. For the last time I do _not_ flirt with Keith!”

“Yes you do,” Shiro said, walking into the room. “What are we talking about?”

“Lance is denying flirting with Keith,” Pidge told him, pointing to the by now blushing Keith in the corner.

“Lance?”

“Yes Shiro?”

“You totally flirt with Keith. Now then, Allura wants us to do something productive today so we’re going to fly the lions for a bit and do some recon.”

“Whipped,” Lance coughed into his fist.

“What was that cadet?” Shiro said, turning sharp eyes to him.

“Nothing, sir,” Lance answered, instinctively snapping to attention.

“Glad to hear it. Now report to your lions.” With that, he turned and strode purposefully from the room.

“Yes Dad!” Pidge called after him.

“Shut up,” Lance muttered to his snickering friends. “It was like Iverson was yelling at me for not being as good as Keith again.”

“Eh, you’ve survived worse,” Hunk said, patting him comfortingly on the shoulder.

“Yeah, remember that time he caught us sneaking out? I didn’t know people could turn that colour,” Pidge laughed. 

“What did you guys even do?” Keith asked the trio.

“Broke out of the barracks and went clubbing,” Lance responded.

“How?” Keith exclaimed, stunned. “The closest club is at least ten miles away?”

“Hunk drove,” Lance replied.

“The Garrison let you have a car?” He asked the yellow paladin.

“No,” Hunk sighed. “Pidge picked the lock and Lance hotwired it.”

“Who the hell are you people?” Keith said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Come on, let’s go catch up with Shiro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Shut up, asshole  
> 2 Shit.  
> 3 Shut up brat.
> 
> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	34. PIDGE NO!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special shout out to [thehushmonalisa](http://thehushmonalisa.tumblr.com) who is my wonderful beta and the one who says this kind of shit around me. Thus giving me material for more chapters.

Not long after going into space, Shiro and Keith learned something about Pidge that Lance and Hunk had been well aware of since becoming teammates at the Garrison: sleep deprived Pidge had absolutely no filter. This could result in both hilarious and concerning things spewing from their mouth at the strangest times. Only the fact that they had previously been exposed to them in this state allowed Hunk and Lance to keep a straight face when Pidge’s true thoughts about Keith’s parentage were revealed.

“Okay, but what human l looked at this tall ass furry purple thing and said ‘Imma fuck it.’”

“Pidge!” Shiro exclaimed. “Watch your language!”

Lance ignored Shiro’s outburst, preferring to answer Pidge. “Keith’s dad apparently.”

“Well yeah, obviously. But really. Why did your dad decide to fuck a Galra Keith?”

“How the hell should I know!” Came the scandalized reply.

“This is not talk for the dinner table!” Shiro shouted.

“Then when is it for?” Pidge asked curiously.

“Never!” Shiro answered.

“Nah,” Lance said. “It’s more like something you ask when you’re drunk at a sleepover at 3 AM. The same kinda time when you start drunk texting your ex and asking people if pigeons can dream.”

“But do they though?” Pidge replied.

“We’ve had this conversation Pidge,” Hunk sighed. “We don’t know and you’re not allowed to conduct experiments.”

“Fine,” the green paladin pouted. “But anyways, who looked at a Galra and thought ‘I wanna tap dat ass.’”

“Will you please stop!” Shiro cried, burying his head in his hands emotions fighting between disgust and embarrassment. 

“Fine,” Pidge said. “Let’s talk about your purple vibrator hand instead then.”

Shiro slammed his head onto the table a few times. Refusing to acknowledge Pidge’s words.

“Do you not have a fucking filter!?” Shiro groaned.

“Space Dad swore,” a shocked Lance whispered to Hunk, receiving a stunned nod in reply.

“Nah. I deleted that shit years ago,” Pidge replied instantly. 

“What the hell? You can’t just delete things!” Keith exclaimed. “You’re not a robot!”

“Don’t be ridiculous Keith. Of course I’m not a robot,” Pidge replied dismissively. “I'm a highly advanced AI in a cyborg body.”

Silence reigned in the room as everyone contemplated the possibility. After about thirty seconds on complete silence, Pidge spoke again.

“I killed my twin in the womb.”

“PIDGE! What the fuck!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	35. Dancing Through Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *starts singing Wicked* 
> 
> Right, have yet another chapter! Hope you guys enjoy it, I certainly had fun writing it.

When Lance ambushed Pidge in the kitchen, there was nothing they could do. He barged in with a flower in his teeth, playing a tango song on his iPod and grabbed them before they managed to slip out and escape. 

“Dance with me Pidgey!” He cried, spinning and he twirled them around the room in the fast paced dance. 

“No! Lance! Not again!” They cried helplessly as they were spun through the room. 

“Aww come on Pidge,” he smiled down at them. “It’s fun.”

“For you maybe. But I just end up too dizzy to do anything but fall asleep.”

“Aha! My evil plan has been revealed,” Lance exclaimed. “But seriously Pidgey, when’s the last time you slept for more than three hours?”

“I was busy!” Pidge exclaimed indignantly.

Lance raised an eyebrow, still spinning slowly as he guided Pidge through the steps.

“Last week?” Pidge muttered. 

“So last time I forced you to go to bed?”

“Yeah, basically. There’s just so much to do Lance!”

“I know sweetheart, but you won’t be able to do anything if you work yourself into the ground.”

“I know,” Pidge sighed. “I’ll go to bed once I finish this.” 

“Perfect,” Lance smiled gently at them. “But for now, you get to dance with me!”

With that, the pace increased again and Pidge found themselves whirling in a circle, frantically trying to keep up with Lance’s sure steps.

This continued for a few minutes until Hunk happened upon the pair, coming into the kitchen to make a snack for the group. The scene he walked in on was Lance holding Pidge in a low dip, their hair practically brushing the floor.

“What’s up guys?”

“Hunk!” The pair cried, though with very different tones. Pidge’s voice filled with relief when Lance exuberantly greeted his best friend, finally freeing them. 

“Sorry Hunk,” they called, slipping from the room. “You’ve been sacrificed for the greater good.”

“Wha-” Hunk said in confusion even as he was pulled into the fast paced song that now played from Lance’s iPod.

“Dance with me!” Lance exclaimed happily.

“Okay buddy,” Hunk said with a laugh, matching the blue paladin’s movements.

Hunk hadn’t been very good at dancing but after years of friendship with Lance, he had been dragged into the steps so often that he had been forced to learn enough to keep up with him. It had also helped with his motion sickness once his body got used to the incessant twirling. 

The pair continued to spin until Lance eventually got tired and released Hunk.

“You okay buddy?” Hunk asked, sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall.

“Yeah,” Lance said with a smile. “I feel better. Thanks Hunk.”

“No problem, bro.”

**MEANWHILE**

When Pidge had escaped Lance’s clutches, they hurried to find the other paladins so that they would have a meat shield to throw at Lance should he follow.

“Pidge?” Shiro asked, as they barrelled into the training room where Shiro and Keith were sparing. “What’s wrong?”

“Hiding,” they replied.

“Why?” Keith asked curiously as he watched the green paladin peek back through the door, as if looking for a, yet unknown, pursuer.

“Lance.”

“What did he do this time?” Keith asked, exasperation clear in his voice.

“Keith,” Shiro said warningly.

“What?” The red paladin exclaimed. “It’s a valid question! Especially if Pidge is hiding from him.”

Ignoring him, Shiro turned to Pidge.

“What’s wrong with Lance?” He asked.

“Oh nothing’s wrong with him,” Pidge replied, moving away from the door and to the other side of the room. “He’s just in a mood.”

“A mood?” Keith said. “Can Hunk not help?”

“Hunk has been sacrificed for the greater good,” Pidge said without inflection.

“Sacrificed?” Shiro said worriedly. “For the greater good?”

“Yeah,” Pidge told them. “They’re dancing again.”

“Hunk and Lance?” Keith asked.

“Yeah.”

“Again?”

“Oh right, you guys weren’t at the Garrison with us,” Pidge sighed. “Lance has this thing he does with his friends where he’ll just grab someone and start dancing. He’s caught me a few times.”

“Any idea why?” Shiro asked.

“I think he said it had something to do with his mom? If I’m remembering right, they used to dance together all the time when he was younger so whenever he feels homesick, he just grabs the closest body and starts dancing. I swear, he almost grabbed Iverson once.” They sighed. “He also uses it to force me to go to bed from time to time,” Pidge said, a certain fondness colouring their voice even as they shook their head in exasperation. “Thankfully I managed to escape when Hunk came in. Thus why he has been sacrificed to the whims of Lance’s dance.”

“Is he bad or something?” Keith asked, confused. “Is that why you don’t want to dance with him?”

“No, no, no,” Pidge replied. “The issue is that he’s too good. You just sort of end up following his lead and forgetting about other things. He also spins me a lot on purpose so I get dizzy and have to take a break from whatever project I’m working on.”

“As far as I’m concerned that’s a good thing,” Shiro said. “I can only imagine what Matt would say if he came back and found you half dead from overwork.”

“I know, I know,” Pidge sighed. “Go to space, they said. It will be fun, they said. Nope, not fun. Instead I got a constantly worried Space Dad and yet another big brother who refuses to stop messing with me.” They smiled mournfully.

“Don’t worry, Pidge,” Shiro said, pulling them into his side. “We’ll find them.”

“I know,” they said. 

After a few moments of silence, a thought seemed to occur to Pidge.

“Oh yeah, I should warn you guys.”

“Warn? About what?” Keith asked.

“Whatever you do,” they said, their face as serious as the other two paladins had ever seen it, “do not, and I mean EVER! Agree to dance tango with Lance.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Shiro said with a smile.

“But why?” Keith asked. “You said he wasn’t a bad dancer.”

“It’s,” they paused, “an experience.”

After looking at the confusion on Keith’s face, they smirked.

“Actually, on second thought, go right ahead and disregard that warning Keith. I wanna see your reaction when he dips you.”

“Shut up,” Keith muttered, a small blush staining his cheeks. 

“No, no, no,” Pidge continued. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure to throw you his way next time he gets like this.” The unholy grin on their face did not promise good things for Keith.

“Oh this is going to be beautiful,” Pidge said, rubbing their hands together like a stereotypical villain. “I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	36. How to Care for Your Gremlin

The thing Pidgey hated the most about having a female body was the Niagara Falls of Blood and the horrible cramps that wracked their body every month. Despite their best efforts to find a space cure, nothing had helped. Even the healing pods were useless since it wasn’t a physical affliction.

Pidge sat cross-legged at their computer, trying to work on a new upgrade for Green but unable to concentrate for more than five minutes on the code before another cramp made them want to curl up in a ball and cry. Eventually, they gave up on sitting and collapsed sideways, holding their stomach and groaning.

Seconds later, the door to their workshop whooshed open to reveal the blue paladin.

“Pidgey?” Lance asked in concern when he saw them lying on the floor. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Lance,” Pidge sighed. Of course it would be Lance who found them. Now he’d laugh at their pain. They were a wimp for not being able to deal with some stupid cramps their body threw at them twelve times a year. “Go away.”

“You okay?” Lance ignored Pidge words, coming closer to their small form.

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?” He said, frowning. “You look like you’re in pain.”

“GO AWAY LANCE!” Pidge shouted, giving up on asking nicely, their emotions were always a mess during their period.

“Jesus! Fine! I’m going! God, why are you so hissy today?” He paused, then froze, as if he had been struck by a sudden thought. “Ooohh. Right.”

“What?” Pidge hissed. If looks could kill, Lance would be dead three times over.

“Nah, nothing. I got it. I’m leaving,” he said, walking to the door.

“Hey, Pidgey?” He called when he reached it, turning back to face the green paladin.

“What Lance?” Pidge said in exasperation, just wishing he would leave them to wallow in their pain and misery.

“I want to go train so I can beat Keith next time we spar but I keep leaving my jacket places and forgetting about it,” he said, shedding his trademark green jacket as he walked back toward Pidge. “Can you hold on to it for me?”

“Sure,” Pidge replied, snatching it from him. “Now leave.”

“Of course your highness. I’ll see you later,” with a smile and a wave, Lance left the room.

“Stupid boys and their stupid jackets,” Pidge muttered to themselves, pulling it over their shoulders. It was warm. The heat helped a bit, allowing them to concentrate on their work. They happily snuggled into the fabric and went back to typing, the pain fading to the back of their thoughts.

About half an hour later, the door opened again. Glancing over, Pidge saw Lance holding two mugs of steaming liquid and a plate of something that smelled delicious. 

“Hey Pidgeot,” he said with a smile. “Hunk made some snacks and I figured I’d bring them to you rather than force you out of your self-imposed exile.”

Pidge didn’t reply, only making grabby motions at the mug.

With a soft laugh, Lance handed it over, placing the plate on the desk before folding his legs to sink to the floor beside them, his own mug in hand.

“It’s some kind of tea Hunk found at the market of that planet we visited last week. Coran said some of the plants have relaxing effects but it might be a bit weird for humans,” he said, placing the mug on the table in front of him.

“Are you giving an underage person drugs?” Pidge said with a smirk.

“Nah,” Lance laughed. “No people here, only Gremlins.”

“Shut up,” they said, shoving him with their shoulder. Lance fell over dramatically, collapsing to the floor as if Pidge had given him a horrible wound. They couldn’t help but giggle at his antics.

“Here,” he said, sitting back up and smiling at them. “Hunk decided to try making something from that chocolate tasting thing again. I think it’s actually edible this time.”

“Mmm,” Pidge hummed as they took a bite, savouring the cookie. “Tastes like chocolate chip cookies.”

“I’ll let him know you like it,” he said, rising to his feet. He surreptitiously placed his still full mug next to the keyboard of Pidge’s computer along with a water pouch. “Have fun coding Gremlin,” he said, kissing to top of their head before heading back out of the room.

It took a while for Pidge to notice the second mug, but thankfully it was still warm. They quickly grabbed their headphones and placed them over their ears, settling in to make another attempt at the cloaking upgrade as they sipped gratefully from Lance’s mug, his jacket still wrapped around their shoulders.

They managed to get a couple more hours of work done before the pain got too bad and they were left staring blankly at the screen. As if he had a sixth sense, Lance burst back into the room seconds later.

“Kidnap the Pidgey-claws, tie them in a bag,” he sang, swooping Pidge into his arms. “Throw them in a pile of pillows, see if they get sad!”

“Lance!” Pidge cried in protest. “I’m working!”

“No you’re not,” he replied, carrying Pidge over his shoulder as he made his way down the castle hallways. “You’ve been stuck for more than ten minutes Pidgey. Don’t lie to me.”

“Fine,” Pidge grumbled, resigning themselves to being carried like a sack of potatoes.

“Perfect!” Lance exclaimed.

“I have a prisoner!” He announced proudly to Shiro when they passed him in the hall.

“I can see that,” the black paladin replied. “Are you alright Pidge?”

“Yeah Shiro, I’m fine,” the green paladin answered. “Lance just keeps bugging me and at this point, I’m too tired to say no anymore. Also, he’s physically carrying me off somewhere.”

“Sounds like you guys are having fun,” their leader said with a smile.

“Yup!” Lance grinned. “Bye, Shiro! I have a Gremlin to deal with.”

“I’m not a Gremlin!” Pidge cried in protest, even as Lance carried them off down the hall and into the rec room.

Once he was in front of the television, Lance dropped Pidge to his arms and tossed them into the large pile of pillows that were stuffed under a rudimentary blanket fort.

Pidge landed with a soft ‘oomph’ before sitting up and looking around them.

“What’s all this?” They asked.

“A trap,” Lance grinned down at them. “It has drinks, snacks, blankets and video games. The perfect place to keep a Gremlin so they don’t run away.”

“Why would I run away?” Pidge said, snuggling into the pillows. “It’s comfy.”

“Good,” Lance replied. “Now scoot over Pidgeot.”

Pidge rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding Lance’s long limb when he flopped down on the pillows face first.

“Soo comfy,” he groaned.

“Oh look,” Pidge said, poking him the ribs. “I found a dead body.”

“Leave flowers and get out,” Lance smiled at them, turning his face from the pillows.

“Nah,” Pidge replied. “I’m dead too,” they replied, flopping on top of Lance.

“Uggghhhh. Heavy Gremlin.”

“Shut up,” Pidge said with a laugh, rolling off him and purposefully jabbing his side with their elbows a couple of times.

“Ouch Gremlin,” he said, sitting up and rubbing his ribs. “We need to get you some insulation. Those elbows should be classified as a weapon.”

Pidge stuck their tongue out at him before turning to the TV. “So what are we playing?” They asked.

Instead of answering, Lance held up the game they had originally bought with the console, grinning at Pidge. They snatched it from his hand and put it into the machine.

“I’m gonna kick your ass.”

“Oh really?” Lance smirked. “Bring it.”

They played for hours. Occasionally moving to change the game or pass food and drinks to each other but never leaving the safety of the blanket fort.

Eventually, Pidge collapsed against Lance’s side with a tired sigh.

“Thanks, Lance,” they said with a small smile.

“Whatever for Gremlin?”

“Everything today?”

“Hmm. You’re welcome.”

“How did you even know?” Pidge asked.

“I have four sisters,” he replied with a smile.

“Still,” Pidge said. “Thanks. You’re the best space brother a kid could ask for.”

A few minutes later, Pidge fell asleep against Lance. With a gentle laugh. He wrapped them in blankets and carried them to bed, leaving a glass of water on their bedside table along with a big sweater he’d found in one of the storage room.

“Sleep tight Pidgey,” he said softly, kissing their forehead before quietly leaving the room. “Don’t let the space bugs bite.” With a last gentle smile, the door closed, leaving the green paladin to their rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	37. Rule 6: No launching yourself, or anyone else, out of the airlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my lovely friend Alluring_Alliteration to make her feel a bit better after her laptop died during the All Night Nano write in yesterday. Hope you manage to save your novel! <3

Keith did not know how to deal with feelings. It was something he had always struggled with but once he discovered the feelings he had about certain boys, it only got worse. He had once sent a letter to a boy saying ‘Get out of my school. Or else.’ in newspaper clippings because he couldn’t deal with the feelings he got when the kid was around. The boy had been transferred by his parents the next week because they were scared of their child coming to physical harm.

Being in the same school building as his crush had been bad enough. Being trapped on a spaceship, no matter how large, was infinitely worse. Especially since Allura and Shiro had banned him from launching himself or Lance out of an airlock.

“I shouldn’t have saved him when the castle got possessed,” Keith muttered to himself as he walked into the kitchen, nodding to Shiro who was sitting at the table, eating some food goo as he read something Coran had uploaded onto a data pad for him. Probably another trashy romance novel. Something mushy that would never happen in real life. Like someone having their feeling reciprocated. Keith sighed, sitting across from the black paladin with his own food, pushing it around his bowl with a spoon and earning himself a raised eyebrow which he ignored. Focusing steadfastly on his goo, making it even more unappetizing than he had thought possible.

It had been fine in the beginning. Keith had been more than willing to ignore the pretty Cuban boy he had admired from afar at the Garrison. Especially when he had been such an asshole the first time they met face to face. He’d figured he’d have no trouble getting rid of the small crush he had on Lance. But then, he started to get to know him. Not personally, Lance was still hung up on the whole ‘epic rivals’ thing, but from afar. He’d notice little things Lance did, the things that seemed almost unconscious. Making sure Pidge ate and slept on a semi-regular basis. Complimenting Hunk and celebrating his accomplishments, be they in battle or in the kitchen. _Somehow_ managing to get Shiro to admit he needed rest. Helping Coran with the castle, even if he usually just made a nuisance of himself rather than actually doing anything productive, it made Coran laugh so Keith supposed it must be of some help. And Keith’s ‘little’ crush hadn’t disappeared. It had gotten worse. And worse. And worse until he could barely keep up the pretense of playful rivalry with Lance.

The only thing that kept him back was Lance’s insistence on flirting with any female they encountered. Even if he insisted he was bisexual, Keith had yet to see any real evidence of the fact. Besides, Lance was gorgeous and was great at interacting with people and making friends. Why would he want to date a socially incompetent human being like Keith? Except, he wasn’t even human, was he? Part human, part Galra and yet still different enough that he didn’t really fit with either. The paladins ignored it for the most part, but sometimes he saw a flash of fear when his eyes glinted yellow or he let out a particularly vicious snarl during training. Even Shiro had changed his attitude slightly. Insisting it was no big deal even as he made it a big deal by constantly insisting it wasn’t. Only Lance hadn’t seemed to care. He’d rolled with it. Still constantly teasing Keith and insisting on turning everything they did into a competition. Even when he was well aware that it was impossible for him to win.

It seemed that Lance was out to make Keith fall head over heels for him. Keith would have thought it was all some horrible prank if Lance hadn’t been so completely oblivious to what he was doing. He was just so sweet to everyone, taking care of them when they didn’t take care of themselves. Never expecting anything in return, no matter how much he joked about reclaiming debts in the future.

Keith was completely and utterly gone on this boy and he had absolutely no idea what to do about it.

Keith groaned, dropping his head to the kitchen table with a loud thump.

“You okay, Mullet?” The object of his thoughts said, coming into the kitchen. “Hi Dad,” he added with a grin when he saw Shiro sitting across from Keith.

“Hi Lance,” Shiro replied, not looking up from his book as the blue paladin crossed the room and grabbed a bowl of food.

Keith groaned again instead of answering, covering his head with his arms. Of _course_ it would be Lance. It was always Lance. Lance with his stupid nicknames, and stupid smooth skin, and stupid pretty blue eyes, and soft brown hair and-

“Keith?” Lance asked in concern, crouching next to his chair so he could peer up at the red paladin’s face from under his arms.

“’M fine Lance,” Keith said with a sigh. “G’way.”

“Sure thing, Samurai,” Lance laughed. “Whatever you say. I’ll see you later,” he said, patting Keith affectionately on the head and smiling at him before grabbing his bowl and leaving the room.

“That’s it,” Keith said, sitting ramrod straight and slamming his palms on the table. “I’m gonna kill him.”

“Or you could just man up and tell him how you feel,” Shiro replied, looking up at his little brother with an exasperated grimace.

“Killing is easier,” Keith said, a slight blush staining his cheeks.

“You can’t kill him,” Shiro sighed. “We need him to form Voltron.”

“No we don’t,” Keith insisted.

“Who would replace him?” Shiro asked.

“Allura,” Keith stated with absolute certainty.

“Yeah, pretty sure Blue wouldn’t accept that,” Shiro replied. “She likes Lance too much. She’d be pouting for at least a month and what would we do if Zarkon attacked during that time?”

“Not my problem.”

“It would be if we lost Voltron to Zarkon,” Shiro stated.

‘Why did he have to be the voice of reason?’ Keith wondered as he glared at his brother.

“Besides,” Shiro continued, “I’m pretty sure Red likes him too. She’d be mad at you if you killed him.”

“ _Everyone_ likes him,” Keith whined. “He’s _Lance_.”

“Then man up and ask him out before someone else does and you lose him when some random alien finally sees past his shitty flirting and realizes how good he is,” Shiro insisted.

Keith glared silently at his brother.

“I hate you,” he eventually stated.

“No,” Shiro said, turning back to his book. “You hate that I’m right. Now, go find Lover Boy and talk to him. I want to finish this book.”

“What book?” Keith asked. Trying to procrastinate on going after Lance.

“Pride and Prejudice.”

“Haven’t you read that like six times?” Keith asked his brother.

“Yes and I don’t care. It’s a good book,” Shiro replied. “Now stop procrastinating and shoo. I have important reading to do.”

“You’re reading a fucking romance novel Shiro,” Keith said incredulously. “Not some epic battle plan that will help up defeat Zarkon.”

“How dare you!” Shiro exclaimed. “Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy are very important thank you very much.”

“Sure thing nerd. I wonder what will happen when the others find out much of a dork you are.”

“Someone who still listens to My Chemical Romance has no place to talk. Now get out of this room before I start reading aloud to chase you away.”

“I’m going, I’m going. Jeez. You really are a nerd,” Keith said, standing and walking from the room.

“Don’t forget to talk to Lance!” Shiro called.

“Whatever,” Keith muttered under his breath. Yeah, sure. He’d talk to Lance. Not.

Going to the training room was a much better idea. Maybe beating the shit out of a few gladiators would get rid of the mushy feelings. Even if it didn’t, he could get some exercise. He could imagine Lance’s face on the gladiators. That might work.

‘There’s another form of exercise you could do with Lance,’ his traitorous mind whispered.

Yeah, no. Not gonna think about that. Maybe training wasn’t the best idea right now.

Keith sighed. Sometimes he really hated the fact that he wasn’t allowed to launch himself out of the airlock. It would solve so many of his problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	38. Darling if You Love Me

“Hey guys, wanna play ‘Darling if You Love Me’?” A bored Lance asked the other inhabitants of the Castle of Lions.

“Play what now?” Pidge asked.

“‘Darling if You Love Me’,” Lance said. “You know the game? Everyone sits in a circle, one person’s in the middle and they pick a target. They have to say ‘Darling if you love me won’t you please, please smile?’ And their target has to respond ‘Darling you know I love you but I just can’t smile’ without laughing otherwise they end up in the middle. It’s just a game for trying to get the other to laugh.”

“Any other rules?”

“No touching? Cause tickling is cheating,” Lance replied. But other than that, it’s a free for all.”

“Eh, I’m game,” Pidge said. “I’m stuck in my code and can’t get it to work. Maybe this will distract me enough that I can fix whatever the problem is after.”

“Sure, I’ll play,” Hunk replied.

“We’ll join too,” Shiro said, dragging a reluctant Keith into the circle.

“This sounds like quite a fun team exercise,” Coran exclaimed. “I shall go fetch the Princess!”

A few minutes later, the group was sat on the floor of the rec room.

“Who goes first?” Pidge asked.

“I’ll do it,” Lance said with a smile. “it was my suggestion after all.”

The blue paladin made his way to the center before turning around the circle, analysis who he would have the best chance of getting out. Deciding to have fun with it, he moved towards Pidge.

“Darling,” he said dramatically, throwing himself at their feet, “if you love me. Won’t you please, _please_ smile?”

A stone-faced Pidge replied. “Darling you know I love you but I just can’t smile.”

“Wow Pidgey, that was cold. Even for you,” Lance said.

“Deal with it.”

Lance blinked up at them before shrugging and moving on to his next target.

“Hunk! My main man, love of my young life. My dearest darling!” He cried, twirling across the group. “If you love me, won’t you please, please smile?” He said imploringly.

“Darling you know I love you,” Hunk said, staring at Lance as the blue paladin got closer to him, giving him his best puppy dog eyes. “But I just can’t-” Lance contorted his face into a ridiculous grimace, startling a chuckle from his big friend.

“Gottcha big guy,” Lance said with a smile, kissing Hunk’s cheek. “You’re it.”

With a sigh, Hunk shoved Lance into his seat and crawled to the center of the circle before turning to Coran.

“Darling if you love me, won’t you please, pleeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssseeeeeeee smile?” He asked.

Coran had barely started his answer before his natural good humour caused his downfall and he began to smile.

“Ah shoot,” he said, “it seems that I am the one in the centre now my boy.”

Performing an elegant spin which ended with a dramatic arabesque, he twirled to stand in front of Allura.

“My dearest Princess, if you love me.” He said as he spun in an elaborate dance, kneeling grandly before her. “Will you please, please smile?”

Unable to help herself, Allura smiled beautifully at her advisor and father figure.

“My dear Coran,” she said, “You know I love you and thus I cannot do anything but smile.”

She rose gracefully, taking to the centre of the floor. Surveying the group, she chose her prey.

“Darling,” she said to Shiro with an angelic smile. “If you love me, won’t you please, please smile?”

Shiro was unable to do anything but blush and smile tentatively back at the Princess before realising he had lost.

“Ah damn,” he muttered.

“It’s okay Shiro,” Pidge called from the other side of the circle. “We all have the automatic response to smile back at her. Though your crush certainly isn’t helping.” They grinned.

“Shut up, Pidge,” he grumbled as he took the circle. “Keith, you have been very quiet.”

“Huh?” Keith was startled from his reverie by his brother appearing in his face.

“Oh this will be fun,” Shiro grinned.

“Don’t you dare,” Keith glared at him.

“My dearest darling little brother,” Shiro said, ignoring his sibling’s glare, “if you love me, won’t you please, please smile?”

“Shiro,” Keith returned flatly. “My ‘darling’ brother, you know I hate you right now and I refuse to smile.”

“You wound me, Keith,” Shiro replied dramatically.

“Good,” Keith smirked.

“Well, as lovely as this brotherly affection is,” Lance said, “Keith, you lose. Get in the middle.”

“Fine,” he pouted, switching places with Shiro. “But I’m going to get you,” he said pointing to Lance.

“Try your best samurai,” Lance smiled confidently at Keith before schooling his features into a blank mask.

“Darling, if you love me, won’t you please, please smile?” Keith said imploringly, gazing up at Lance with half-lidded eyes.

Lance’s face remained unchanged. Until he suddenly seemed incredibly sad.

“Oh, darling,” he replied, his voice filled with remorse and pain as he moved closer, hands reaching for Keith as if he was going to brush his hair aside and tuck it behind his ear. “You know I love you but I just can’t smile.”

Keith did the only thing he could. He blushed, his entire face turning tomato red.

“Oh my god,” Pidge said, laughing. “Your face!”

“Shut up,” Keith muttered, still frozen in front of the blue paladin, staring at him.

“Hey Lance,” Pidge continued, “if you wanted to get Keith to say he loved you there are far less convoluted ways than this.”

“Hush Gremlin, I’m winning.”

Pidge continued to cackle. Fed up, Keith launched himself across the circle, stopping in front of them.

“Darling if you love me won’t you please please smile,” he said hurriedly.

Pidge was unable to school their features in time.

“That’s not fair!” They exclaimed.

“Everything is fair in love and war,” Lance said smirking. “It’s your turn Pidgeot.”

“Fine,” they grumbled.

The game continued. It took Pidge three tries to get someone and Lance was pretty sure that Hunk had simply taken pity on them. Hunk had managed to get Lance and he had in turn gotten Coran with a particularly dramatic rendition of the line. They eventually ended the game but everyone was much happier than they had been before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	39. Rule 13: Pidge is not allowed to build any Sci-Fi creatures unless previously approved by a responsible adult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone is wondering, there is a long list of rules and it will be part of a chapter soon.

“Coran,” Pidge said, coming into the control room and dragging a half asleep Lance by the sleeping robe he was wearing. “I have a very important question for you.”

“What is it number five?” Coran asked, overly chipper for such an early hour.

“Can I go back to sleep?” Lance asked, yawning widely.

“No,” Pidge replied. “I need you to witness this so you’ll back me up when Hunk doesn’t believe me.”

“About what?” Lance asked.

“Coran,” they said, turning to face the man, “have you ever seen a blue police box somewhere in space?”

“You woke me up,” Lance deadpanned, “at FIVE IN THE MORNING! So you could ask Coran if he’s seen the TARDIS?”

“Shut up Lance,” Pidge replied. “But yes. I need to know if the Doctor is real.”

“At FIVE? AM? What is wrong with literally any other time of day? Unlike some Gremlins, I need my beauty sleep!”

“Who is this Doctor?” Coran asked Pidge.

They instantly brightened. “He’s an alien from the planet Gallifrey, which was destroyed in the Time War. He’s the last of the Time Lords, and he has two hearts,” they prattled on for a few minutes, giving Coran every possible characteristic of the Doctor.

Lance collapsed into his control chair, if he couldn’t go back to bed, at least he could try to sleep here.

“Do they ever stop talking about this?” Coran asked Lance, having sidled over to him while Pidge made their impassioned speech.

“Not once they really get going,” Lance sighed. “Hey Pidgey!” He called, finally stopping Pidge’s ramble. “Maybe hush for a minute and let Coran answer you?”

“Oh. Right,” they said sheepishly, before turning a brilliant smile on Coran. “So? Is he real?”

“Ah, I’m afraid I have never heard of such a man,” Coran told them. Pidge’s face fell and Coran hastened to add, “But the universe is quite large! It is possible that he has simply been in another part of it.”

“But if he was real, he would have tried to stop the Galra,” Pidge said.

“Perhaps, number five. But what can one man do against an empire?”

“He’s the Doctor!” They exclaimed, as if it explained everything. “But you’re right. He’s probably got his hands full with the Daleks and Cybermen,” Pidge replied.

“Right,” Lance said, from his chair. “Are we done now? Can I go back to bed?”

“Nope!” Pidge grinned at him. “You get to help me with my new project.”

“Dios, why?”

“Cause you’re already up! And Hunk wouldn’t help.”

“Fine. I’ll help on the condition that you never wake me up at an ungodly hour of the morning for this kind of thing again.”

“Or what?” Pidge smirked.

“Or you will not like the consequences,” Lance replied tiredly, running a hand over his face.

“Oh really, pretty boy? What are you going to do?” They said, skipping down the hall ahead of Lance. “Moisturise me?”

“Yes, with acid. Now get back here you whovian piece of shit.”

With a cackle, Pidge scampered down the hall to their lab, Lance chasing after them. The pair slid through the door one after the other, Pidge dodging Lance’s hands as he tried to grab and tickle them and hiding behind a cloth covered machine. Lance stopped, narrowly avoiding a collision with the object.

“This your project?” He asked.

“Yup,” Pidge replied with a grin. “You’re going to love it.”

“Fine,” Lance sighed. “Show me.”

“Tada!” Pidge cried, whipping the sheet off the object.

“Pidge,” Lance said flatly.

“Yes?” They asked, still grinning.

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“YOU MADE A DALEK? In what world is that a good idea?!”

“Okay, so. You know how Rover got destroyed by Sendak?” Pidge asked.

“Yes?” Lance replied, unsure where the conversation was going.

“So I found out that I had a copy of Rover’s programs on my computer so I figured, ‘Why not make him a new body?’”

“Okay…”

“And then, while I was planning, I kept getting the ideas about Doctor Who and then, suddenly I started to build a Dalek?”

“So you’re telling me,” Lance said with a long suffering sigh, “that this is a Dalek with Rover’s software?”

“Same software, different case,” Pidge said with a giggle.

“No, stop quoting things at me. We need to talk about this. You are not allowed to make the monsters from fiction real,” Lance said. “Build him a new body. Preferably one that hasn’t terrified people through TV. Dios, I’m going to have nightmares.”

“Fine,” Pidge said with a pout. “But can I do one thing with it first?”

“What?” Lance asked.

Pidge explained their plan and Lance reluctantly agreed. At least it would be amusing.

~~~~~

Keith had a schedule he tended to follow in the mornings. Get up, get dressed, train for an hour, take a shower, and eat breakfast before finding out what Allura wanted the team to do during the day. This morning was like any other. He left his room to head to the training deck and was halfway down an empty hall, when a robotic figure came around the corner ahead of him. Keith froze, but the creatures eye stalk had already swiveled towards his movement.

“INTRUDER DETECTED!” It cried. “YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

“Why the fuck is there a Dalek in the castle?” Keith screamed, spinning on his heel and sprinting down the hall as the Dalek charged up its gun.

He turned a corner, hoping to lose the Dalek that was chasing him, only to encounter a small figure with neat hair, wearing shorts and a blazer.

“What the-” Keith said, skidding to a halt as the child turned to face him, revealing a gas mask.

“Are you my mummy?” A voice, muffled by the mask, asked. The child tilted its head to the side as it observed Keith. Reaching a hand out as it moved towards him.

“Nope!” Keith shrieked, running at the figure and leaping over it at the last second, delivering a swift kick to its side as he passed. “I am NOT dealing with this shit! Let the Dalek kill it.”

He sprinted into the kitchen, slamming the door behind him and leaning against it.

“Morning,” a voice greeted.

Keith looked up and saw Lance, collapsed at the table, his head resting on its surface as he looked at Keith with bleary eyes.

“Why are you up?” He asked. Lance never got up before nine if he could avoid it.

“Pidge,” Lance replied with an exhausted groan. “They woke me up at five and dragged me out of bed because they wanted someone for company when they went to ask Coran questions about aliens.”

“Why did they need company?” Keith asked, moving over to the table. “It’s not like they’re scared of Coran.”

“No idea,” Lance replied, crossing his arms to pillow his head.

“Know why there’s a Dalek and an empty child in the hall?” Keith asked.

“Nope,” Lance replied. “Hi Gremlin,” he said as the door whooshed open again.

“Are you my Mummy?” The figure in the door asked.

Keith spun frantically to face it.

“Um Lance?”

“What, Mullet?”

“That’s not Pidge.”

“Isn’t it?” Lance said, looking up from the table. “Oh, well. Whatever. Come get me. I crave death.” He collapsed back onto surface, trying to get some more sleep.

“Lance!” Keith cried, pulling ineffectively at the blue paladin’s arm, trying to tug him from his chair and away from the approaching figure.

“Are you my Mummy?”

Lance refused to move, so Keith slowly backed away, hoping to distract the Empty Child from the unmoving blue paladin. The child stood at Lance’s side for a moment, then poked him.

“You’re no fun,” the voice complained.

“They you shouldn’t have woken me up at five in the morning,” Lance replied, unconcerned about any supernatural threat to his person.

“Deal with it,” Pidge replied, pulling the mask from their face. “You should have stuck around. He shrieked like a girl and ran away.”

Lance hummed noncommittally, not even looking up from his arms.

“Pidge?!” Keith cried, seeing the green paladin had been the one terrifying him.

“Sup Keithers,” they replied with a grin. “Not a fan of the empty child?”

“I hate you so much right now,” he said, stalking towards them.

“Ah, ah, ah,” they sing-songed, dancing out of his reach. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“And why not,” Keith growled.

“Because I’m the one controlling him,” they said, pointing to the door as it opened again.

“EXTERMINATE!” The Dalek cried, whirring manically as is spun to face Keith. Its whisk-like gun was glowing, ready to shoot. It aimed and fired at Keith but he was too slow to dodge, leaving him covered in green paint.

“Pidge?” Keith said with deceptive calm.

“Yes Keithy boy?” The green paladin replied with a smirk.

“I’m going to kill you,” he said.

“That’s fair,” they replied. “But you’ll have to catch me first!”

With that they sprinted from the room and down the hall. Keith quickly followed, determined to catch them. Lance remained in his seat, listening to the chaos as the Dalek beside him shut down.

“Hey Lance?” Hunk called as he walked into the kitchen, looking back down the hall at the quickly retreating figures of the red and green paladins. “Do you know why Keith is green and chasing Pidge?”

Lance pointed a thumb at the Dalek.

“Is that a Dalek!?” Hunk asked.

Lance grunted in response.

“Why is there a Dalek in the kitchen!?”

“Pidge,” Lance replied, still not looking up.

“When did they- WHY did they-” Hunk shook his head. “You know what? I don’t want to know.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Lance said with a sigh. “Who knows why Pidge does the things they do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I have a few more chapters prewritten and since the holidays are soon, I should have some more time to write a backlog of chapters. Have a good week!
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! I am here for all the fandom trash.


	40. Bromance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm so somehow this mess of a fic just reached 800 kudos and I honestly don't know what so say. Thanks so much guys <3 I'm glad you like this story!!!

“Hey,” Hunk said as he walked into the kitchen, greeting Pidge and Lance who were at the table, each fiddling with their own electronics.

“Hey Hunk,” Lance replied, sparing his friend a smile. Pidge just grunted in acknowledgement.

“I’m going to make some food. You guys want anything?” Hunk asked.

“Nah,” Lance said. “I ate a bit earlier. Pidgey might need something though.”

“No, I don’t,” Pidge denied, not looking up from their computer screen.

“When was the last time you ate?” Lance asked with a smirk.

Pidge sighed. “Fine.”

Lance grinned in triumph, Pidge had been arguing less and less when it came to Lance forcing them to eat. He saw it as a huge success.

“Sounds good,” Hunk said with a smile, happy the green paladin was taking care of themselves, even if it did take Lance annoying the hell out of them to prompt them into action. “Lance? You were doing strength training earlier, want a protein space-shake bro?”

“Nah, bro,” Lance replied with a grin, stretching his arms above his head and leaning back in his chair.

“Why not bro?” Hunk asked, confused. Lance was rarely one to turn down a shake. Especially since the stuff they’d found to make them was absolutely delicious.

“Because you’re the one who gives me strength bro.”

“Bro,” Hunk said, clutching his heart.

“God, you guys are gay,” Pidge said with an exaggerated sigh.

“Don’t be homophobic Pidge,” Lance replied. “You’re just jealous of our beautiful love,” he continued, standing so he could cross the room to Hunk and throw his arms around him.

“Fight me gay boy,” Pidge snarked.

“Who am I fighting?” Keith asked as he wandered into the room.

“Pidge,” Lance replied with a smirk.

“I was talking to Lance!” Pidge cried defensively when Keith turned to look at them.

“No you weren’t,” Lance sing-songed. “You said gay boy. That’s not me. Hunk, bless his hetero little heart, is straight as hell, and honey, you know I am bi as fuck. I am the best bi.”

“You’re never letting that joke go, are you?” Pidge asked.

“Never,” Lance responded with a satisfied grin.

“Why were you calling him ‘gay boy’ anyways?” Keith asked.

“Him and Hunk were being annoying again,” Pidge whined, hoping to find an ally in Keith.

“Bro thing?” Keith asked, turning to Lance.

“Bro thing,” he replied.

“That is pretty gay guys,” Keith said.

“I know,” Lance smirked. “But it’s funny as hell.”

“Fair enough,” Keith said. “Carry on.” He left the room, abandoning Pidge to their fate.

“Bro?” Hunk asked Lance, nodding to counter where the drinks were.

“Brrrrrooooooooooo,” Lance replied with a groan.

“Bro,” Hunk scoffed.

“Bro.” Lance shrugged.

“BRO,” Hunk insisted.

“But bro,” Lance whined.

“Bro,” Hunk said with a raised eyebrow.

“Bro,” Lance said with a defeated nod.

“I hate you both,” Pidge said with a groan as Hunk turned to make Lance a shake.

Lance laughed. “No you don’t… Bro.”

Pidge threw their laptop at his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	41. No one cares about Fred

The team had landed on a small planet. Shiro had stayed behind with Allura and Coran as they made minor repairs to the castle ship. The four other paladins were left to explore the nearby landscape and scout for threats. After a few minutes of wandering, they had come upon a small hut, hidden in the side of a hill. For something so far in the reaches of space, it looked surprisingly earth-like.

“Think anyone’s home?” Pidge asked, looking at their fellow paladins.

“We could always knock,” Lance said with a grin and doing just that. “Anyone home?” He called.

After a few moments of silence, Lance shrugged and pushed the door open. The paladins entered the house, looking around. It had once been a cozy cottage but time had not been kind to the interior.

“Alright! Time for some detective work,” Lance said with a grin as he took charge of the small group. “Shaggy, Scooby,” he said pointing at Pidge and Keith, “you take the sinks. I’ll check the cabinets, and, Velma, you get the spooky looking fridge thing.”

“What?!” Hunk exclaimed. “Why do I get this… dubious looking device?”

“Because only Velma would say ‘dubious device,’” Lance grinned at his reluctant friend. “Velma gets the spooky fridge.”

“Fine,” Hunk said with a sigh, making his way across the cottage.

“Who does that make you, Lance?” Keith asked. “Fred?”

“Bitch, I’m Daphne,” Lance replied with what would have been a dramatic hair flip if his hair was longer and he wasn’t wearing a helmet.

“Yeah,” Pidge smirked. “I can see that.”

“Definitely,” Hunk said over his shoulder. “Fridge is clear,” he called.

“Same for the sink,” Keith called back.

“Ewwwww,” Lance said as he opened one of the cupboards.

“What’s up?” Pidge asked.

“There’s some kind of mold thing in here,” he replied. “It’s pink and glowy.”

“Huh,” Keith said, crouching down beside Lance. “Weird.”

“Should we bring some back to the castle?” Hunk asked.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Lance replied. “It looks like that stuff we had on Caluxn.”

“The one with the bird people where Keith almost accidentally got married?” Pidge asked.

“That’s the one,” Lance grinned.

“I wish you guys would stop bringing that up,” Keith grumbled.

“Um, yeah. Not going to happen Mullet,” Lance said, getting to his feet and extending a hand to Keith. “You’re stuck with it until the end of your days.”

“I hate you,” Keith pouted, accepting Lance’s hand and allowing him to pull him up.

“Sure you do, but you’re stuck with us,” Pidge grinned at the pair. “Now, let’s go explore the rest of the area so we can go home and play video games.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	42. How to Win the Love of One Lance McClain

“Hey Keith?” Lance asked one day when they were all relaxing in the living room.

“What?” Keith grunted in response.

“Why did you really get kicked out of the Garrison? You never told us.”

“I’d like to know too,” Shiro said.

“Didn’t you chase him to demand answers that time we played ‘Truth or Dare’?” Hunk asked in confusion.

“I tried, but he escaped at the last second,” Shiro said with a sigh, lightly smacking his brother’s head when he smirked at him.

“So, Keith,” Lance said, sitting forward in his seat. “You gonna tell us?”

“Ugh, fine,” Keith groaned, sitting up to face the others. Grabbing his phone, he pulled up Facebook and found a video before passing it to Shiro. The other paladins gathered around the small screen as the video started, showing an absolutely insane party. And there, in the middle of it all, downing a drink from what appeared to be a bottle of Sunny D, was Keith.

“What. The. _Fuck_ ,” Shiro growled. “What were you even drinking? Sunny D?”

“Jungle Juice,” Keith told him.

“And what is in said ‘Jungle Juice’?” Shiro asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Everclear,” Keith replied.

“Ever WHAT?” Shiro shrieked, grabbing Keith by the jacket.

“Everclear?” Lance asked. “Really Keith? That stuff fucks you up.”

“I was a wild child,” he replied with a shrug, ignoring Shiro who had him by the collar of his jacket and seemed to be trying to shake some sense into Keith’s past self.

“So basically,” Keith said, “I used to sneak out of the Garrison all the time and go clubbing right?”

“Excuse me?” Shiro said in disbelief. “You were seventeen!”

“Sixteen,” Keith replied, offhandedly, waving away Shiro’s interruption and his ever darkening expression. “So anyways, I used to go out, get shit faced and then kinda wander back into the Garrison at ridiculous hours of the morning.”

“Damn, Keith was a party gay!” Pidge said with a cackle. “You ever get caught?”

“It happened a few of times and it was fine,” Keith replied. “I mean, I even got caught by Iverson at a couple of points but since I was the top pilot, he couldn’t kick me out.”

“Wait,” Lance said. “If he didn’t kick you out for that, then why are you telling us this story?”

“Shut up and listen. I’m getting to that part.”

The paladins grumbled but fell silent, waiting for the rest of the story.

“At one point, Iverson got really fed up with catching me stumbling into the dorm, half naked and obviously drunk off my ass so he decided to interfere.

“He basically dragged me into his office at like five in the morning when I got back and said something like ‘Kogane, you need to get your shit together.’ And I’m just trying not to laugh cause he’s clearly trying to intimidate me but drunk Keith doesn’t take shit from anyone. So I’m just sitting there, nodding along and trying not to fall asleep in the chair while he gives me this huge lecture about responsibilities and representing the Garrison and eventually says, ‘You need to straighten out kid, or you’ll be out of here faster than you can say NASA.’

“And my drunk-self decided it was a brilliant plan to say ‘No offense sir, but I’m gay as hell and quite happy that way.’”

“Oh god,” Shiro groaned. “Why? Keith!”

“Cause I was drunk?” Keith replied. “Anyways, he started yelling about not meaning it in ‘that way’ and I just started yelling ‘I’m gay!’ over and over again. Eventually he just kicked me out of his office and slammed the door so I went to bed.”

“God, I would have been kicked out three times by that point,” Lance said with a groan.

“That’s cause Iverson hated you for replacing Keith,” Pidge replied.

“Really?” Keith asked. “I would have thought he’d be happy I was gone. Especially with what happened after.”

Shiro let out a suffering sigh. “I’m not even sure I want to know, but what happened after?”

“So, you guys all probably guessed that I didn’t learn my lesson and went out the next Friday?” Keith asked. The others nodded in reply. “I kept doing that and kind of forgot about Iverson’s speech. Once he caught me stumbling down the halls with only one boot and no shirt but he just kind of scowled at me and kept walking. Then, he pulled me aside after class. I figured it was about the sneaking out and drinking but it was about the Kerberos mission.

“I was in shock and basically wandered off, so it wasn’t until later that I heard that they were blaming Shiro and a piloting error for the death of the crew.

Keith sighed, rubbing his face. “I stormed into Iverson’s office and demanded to know what the hell this bullshit was about because there was no way Shiro of all people would kill his crew through a piloting error.”

“Oh, Keith,” Shiro said with a sad sigh.

“He told me that it was the pilot’s fault and kept insulting Shiro’s piloting skills and I just fucking decked him.”

“You punched Iverson?” Lance asked in stunned awe. “In the face?”

“Yeah,” Keith replied with a smug grin.

“Holy shit, Keith,” Lance said. “I think you just became my hero.”

“So is that why you got kicked out?” Hunk asked.

“Kinda?” Keith replied. “I mean, some guy came in because he heard the commotion, I think he was one of Iverson’s higher ups or some shit. He started yelling at me for punching Iverson and that I would be expelled.

“So I just left the room, went to my dorm and grabbed a bag of my stuff, then snuck into the officer’s dorm and broke into Shiro’s room, grabbed a bunch of his shit and left. It’s why I have so much stuff that fit him when I was out in the desert. Once I got outside, I hotwired one of the cars, might have been Iverson’s now that I think about it, and just drove into the desert until I found that shack. Then I just kind of… lived there? I kept searching for Shiro until I eventually found you guys at the crash site.”

“Well shit Keith,” Pidge said. “I don’t know how to mock that.”

“Do you have to?” Keith asked.

“Have you met me?” They answered. “Mocking people is just, my thing.”

“Fair enough,” Keith said with a grin.

“Holy shit though,” Lance said. “Keith, I think I might be low key in love with you.”

“Umm,” Keith said, blushing.

“Like seriously,” Lance continued, ignoring the red faced paladin. “You punched Iverson, gave no shit about talking back to the Garrison and you _punched Iverson_.”

“You heard it here first folks,” Pidge called. “Punch Iverson and win Lance McClain’s eternal love.”

“Shush Pidge,” Lance said, swatting them. “I’m just glad that someone actually managed to do what so many cadets wish for. Punching him in the fucking face.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	43. NO RED SHIRTS!

One day, when the inhabitants of the castle of lions gathered to go over plans, Keith came into the control room wearing a new, bright red shirt. Allura and Coran though it was a very nice shirt but the other paladins seemed to have an issue with it.

“What the hell? KEITH!” Lance yelled when he saw him coming onto the deck wearing it. “You can’t wear red! You’re not the captain! You’ll die!”

“Why would wearing a certain colour affect the probability of one’s death?” Allura asked.

“Because some laws truly are universal,” Lance replied. “And that includes the rule about red shirts and death!”

“But he’s the red paladin,” Allura said, in confusion. “Why can’t he wear his colour? You wear blue all the time Lance, and Hunk wears yellow.”

“But he’s not the captain,” Hunk cried in distress. “He’ll die. The probability of death increases to 100% when you wear a red shirt in space!”

“That’s ridiculous,” Keith scoffed.

“No, It’s not,” Pidge said. “Remember Karlu?”

“Who?” Keith asked in confusion.

“Exactly,” Pidge replied, nodding sagely. “No red shirts.”

Before Keith could raise further protest, an alarm went off, catching the attention of the crew.

“Paladins!” Allura cried. “Suit up and get to your lions! There’s a Galra fleet approaching the castle.”

“They’ll be here in five dobashes,” Coran called from his usual station.

The paladins rushed to obey, throwing their armoured suits on over the clothing they wore. In less than two minutes, the five lions were zipping out of the castle to meet the oncoming fleet.

The fight was going as usual, the paladins easily disarming and destroying the Galra ships but Keith seemed to have more trouble than usual dodging the drones.

“What the hell Keith?” Lance called, when Red took an especially bad hit, spinning a little and almost bumping into Blue.

“Sorry,” Keith replied. “The drones seem more accurate today.”

“Guys, I’m picking up non-Galran life signals from one of the ships,” Pidge called through the coms, sending the team a visual.

“Think they have prisoners?” Shiro asked them.

“Probably,” Pidge replied.

“I’ll go in and check,” Keith volunteered, swerving to rip into the side of the ship in question and land his lion in a hangar.

“I’ll come with,” Pidge called, guiding Green to follow Red into the hole. “I want to try and hack their intelligence systems again.”

“Lance, Hunk!” Keith called. “Cover us!”

“On it Samurai!” Lance called back, drawing fire away from the pair. “But hurry. Shiro, there’s a ship on your six.”

“Got it!”

The red and green paladins hopped from their lions and made their way deeper into the ship.

“Are the life signs in the usual prison area?” Keith asked Pidge.

“Yeah,” they replied. “You good to go get them?”

“Of course,” Keith nodded. “You can use the control deck closest to the cells to hack in while I get them out. That way we’ll be nearby if anything happens.”

“Sounds good.”

The pair ran down the halls. After so many hours studying blueprints of Galra ships, they had the basic interior memorised. After a few halls they split up, Pidge darting into a room while Keith rounded a corner to the prison deck.

Keith quickly made down the hall, checking cells as they passed. They were all empty.

“Shit,” he cursed, whirling to go back to the entrance. “Pidge?” He called over the coms.

“What’s up?” They replied, the sound of typing in the background.

“Cells are empty.”

“Huh,” they said distractedly. “That’s definitely where the life signs were coming from though.”

“Maybe they figured we wouldn’t blow up the ship if there were prisoners?” Keith suggested

“I mean it did work,” Pidge sighed.

“Yeah. I’m heading back to you,” Keith said, passing the last few cells. “We need to get out so we can blow the ship.”

“Give me a minute,” Pidge replied, still typing away.

Keith ran around the last corner, only to come face to face with a Galran sentry who wasted no time in firing a shot at the red paladin. At this close range, it flew true, catching Keith in the shoulder.

He swore viciously, summoning his bayard and dispatching the sentry before continuing towards the control room.

“Keith? You okay?” Pidge asked, hearing his swearing.

“I’m fine,” Keith grunted. “We need to leave,” he insisted. “There’s a group of sentries headed our way.”

“Thirty more seconds,” Pidge replied.

Keith sighed. “Fine.”

He settled into a fighting stance outside the door of the control room, ready to right off the soldiers headed his way. He wasn’t in peak condition thanks to the wound in his shoulder but he still shouldn’t have had as much trouble as he did killing the robots. He barely managed to take the last one down, taking two more hits during the fight, before another platoon of sentries appeared in the hall.

“Pidge!” He yelled. “I’m gonna need a hand with this!”

“Fine,” the replied with a sigh, opening the door and coming face to face with a very bloodied Keith. “What the hell Keith?”

“They’re better shots,” the red paladin said, trying to wave off his injuries.

“There is a hole in your shoulder and two on your side,” Pidge stated in disbelief.

“Shut up and help me,” Keith pouted. “We’re going to need to fight our way to the lions.”

They made their way back through the ship, fighting seemingly endless sentries as they went. It took them a few minutes to escape back to the lions and into space. Despite the bots’ better aim, only Keith got hit, almost attracting the bullets.

As soon as they were out of range, Hunk and Yellow blew the ship to pieces.

“How many prisoners?” Shiro asked, flying Black closer to the smaller lions.

“None,” Pidge replied. “They faked a life force signal so we wouldn’t blow the whole thing.”

“Can you track and counter it?” He asked.

“Yeah, it will just take me a couple hours to isolate the signal and program it into the castle.”

“Sounds like you guys didn’t have much trouble then,” Hunk said.

“About that,” Pidge sighed. “The sentries really had it out for Keith. I think he got hit six times on our way out.”

“What!?” Shiro cried in concern. “Keith are you okay?”

“Yeah,” the red paladin replied. “I’m fine. And it was four Pidge.”

“Plus the three from earlier, so seven total.”

“What the hell, Mullet?” Lance exclaimed. “Were you trying to get hit?”

Keith didn’t reply.

“Keith?”

“I didn’t think he’d lost that much blood,” Pidge said in concern.

“Guys!” Hunk called. “Red’s in autopilot mode and making her way to the castle pretty quick.”

“Let’s go team,” Shiro called. “We’ll check on Keith once we land.”

The scene they found in Red’s cockpit was not a pretty one. Keith was slouched in his chair. He would almost look asleep if it wasn’t for the alarming amount of blood staining his armour and the floor around him.

“Shit,” Lance swore.

“Pidge, you’re the fastest,” Shiro called, moving to Keith’s side. “Tell Coran to ready a healing pod.”

“On it,” they called, racing from the hangar.

“Lance, give me a hand. We need to get him to the pods without making his injuries worse.”

Lance nodded and together, the pair lifted Keith from the seat, carrying him to the infirmary. When they got there, they set Keith on a table and stripped off his armour so he could be placed in a pod. Once inside, they waited anxiously for his vitals to stabilize and all breathed a sigh of relief when they did.

“I need to go check the castle for structural damage,” Allura said. “I shall trust you paladins to keep me updated on his wellbeing?”

“Of course,” Shiro replied. “One of us will stay with him.”

“I shall come with you, Princess,” Coran said, following her from the room.

The paladins stood in silence for a moment, looking at Keith in the pod.

Hunk sighed. “I should go make some food,” he said. “We missed dinner and I feel like Allura might make us train later. We’ll need energy.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Shiro replied. “I’ll go see how Red is doing.”

“Ah, I’ll come with you,” Pidge said. “I need to check why one of the programs I installed didn’t activate. I’m not sure if it malfunctioned or if it’s because Red decided to turn it off.”

“Lance, you coming?” Hunk called as the others made their way to the door.

“We told Allura someone would stay,” the blue paladin replied, still watching the pod.

“You’re right,” Shiro sighed. “I’ll stay. Pidge, can you look at Red by yourself?”

Before they could answer, Lance spoke up.

“It’s fine, Shiro,” he said. “I’ll stick around and keep Mullet company. I don’t have anything else to do.”

“If you’re sure,” Shiro said uncertainly.

“Of course I am,” Lance smiled. “He’s a better conversationalist like this anyways. He can’t tell me to shut up if I’m being annoying,” he smirked.

“I’m banning red shirts from the team,” Shiro muttered, drawing a laugh from the others.

“Probably for the best,” Lance nodded.

“Well, now that that’s settled, let’s go,” Pidge said, dragging Shiro out into the hall. Hunk followed after the pair.

“I’ll see you later Lance,” he called over his shoulder. “I’ll bring you some dinner once it’s done.”

“Thanks big guy!” Lance called back.

The door whooshed shut, leaving Lance alone with the red paladin.

“Hey Mullet,” Lance said with a grin, sitting cross legged in front of Keith’s pod. “Why do you always have to go be the heroic one huh? Going off and almost getting killed.”

There was no response from the pod but Lance continued, non pulsed.

“You’re always doing that kind of stuff. Rushing into things and just fighting your way through.” He sighed. “I wish you’d think about the consequences once in awhile. We need you Keith. You’re part of the team. Part of our family. We can’t lose you. I just wish you’d realise how much we care.”

Lance leaned back on his hands before shuffling so he could rest against Keith’s pod.

“What’s the point of saying all this now Lance?” He said to himself. “Keith can’t hear you. Stop being a coward and say it to his face.” He glanced up at the red paladin’s peaceful face. “Hurry up and get better, Samurai. I need someone other than me to get scolded for doing something dumb for once.” He knocked gently against the surface of the pod, as if hoping it would wake the person inside.

Lance closed his eyes, leaning against the side of the pod, sliding his hand through a handle-like space on the side of it. He’d just rest his eyes for a moment. He was tired after all the fighting and carrying Keith through the castle. Just a short nap. Lance fell asleep. He never noticed Hunk coming in to bring him food, or Shiro trying to pick him up and carry him to bed only to notice that his hand was gripping tightly to Keith’s pod, refusing to release its prize. He was still asleep when the pair returned with blankets, covering him and leaving him to sleep beside the paladin he claimed as both a friend and a rival.

It was early in the morning when Lance finally awoke, finding himself wrapped in blankets on the floor, having slid down throughout the night, but his hand was still gripped in the side of the pod. He sat up, rubbing his eyes as he looked around the room. Hunk must have found him asleep when he came to bring him food. He spotted a tray a little way off with a snack bar and a juice pouch on it. He shuffled over to it, grabbing the food and eating a meager breakfast. He could find actual sustenance later. He was too tired to get up just now. He moved back towards his blankets but perked up when the pod started beeping, a system they had installed to alert them when the pod began the wake up process for the patient inside. He quickly grabbed the castle alert system, firing off a message to the others so they could come and welcome Keith back to the world of the living.

It only took a few minutes for the team to assemble in front of the pod. They knew the healing pods did their job well but paladins always had a feeling of worry when one of their own were in the pods. It refused to disappear until the injured was walking and talking again.

The pod hissed, equalising the pressure in the pod before releasing the outer shell. Keith stumbled out, taking a couple of unsteady steps before falling directly into Lance’s waiting arms.

“Hey there Sleeping Beauty,” he said, smirking down at the smaller boy in his arms. “Falling for me already?”

“Shut up Lance,” Keith mumbled sleepily, entirely out of reflex.

“Nice to see your little trip in the healing pod didn’t scramble your brain too much,” Lance said with a laugh.

Keith hummed, still leaning all his weight against the blue paladin.

“Keith?” Shiro asked. “You awake?”

“Waa?” Keith said, blinking slowly as he raised his head to look at his brother. “Hi Shiro.”

“Hi yourself, you doing okay?”

“I think so,” Keith said with a slightly dopey smile. “Everything is… soft?” He asked, as if unsure of his own perceptions.

“Ah, I see.” Coran said, looking at the data from the pod. “It seems the pod was able to heal his injuries but not to replenish all the blood he lost. He is not in any danger but he might be a bit… What was the word you used the other day Lance?”

“Loopy?” Lance answered.

“Yes, that’s the one,” Coran said with a wide grin. “He should probably take it easy for a little while.”

“Alright,” Shiro said. “I’ll take him back to his room.” He moved towards his brother, but Keith refused to leave Lance’s arms.

“Keith?” Lance asked, uncertainly. “Buddy?”

“Keith, you need to let go of Lance,” Shiro said with a sigh.

“Warm,” Keith protested, snuggling deeper into Lance’s chest and wrapping his arms around him.

“I don’t think he wants to let go,” Pidge said with a laugh. “Congrats, Lance. You’ve been promoted to red paladin’s teddy bear.”

“Shut up, Pidge.”

“How are we going to get him to bed?” Shiro wondered.

“I’ll take him,” Lance said with a sigh. “Hopefully he’ll wake up a bit more along the way and I’ll be able to get him to sleep. Hunk, you got any food? He needs something after losing that much blood.”

“Here,” the yellow paladin replied, pulling a couple of bars out of a pouch on his belt.

“Thanks,” Lance said, grabbing them and putting them in his pocket, movements slightly restricted by Keith latching onto him like a koala. “Come on Samurai,” he smiled down at the boy in his arms. “Let’s get you to bed.”

Keith only hummed, following Lance’s gentle prodding down the castle halls and back to paladin’s quarters. About half way there, Lance handed him a bar.

“Eat,” he told the boy. “It will make you feel better.”

Keith munched dutifully on the food. It seemed loopy Keith was quite different from his usual argumentative self. Quite a bit cuddlier too.

They had just gotten to Keith’s room when he seemed to become aware of his surrounding, his mind emerging little by little from its fogged state.

“Lance?” He asked.

“Well hello there, Mullet. So nice of you to rejoin us,” Lance said with a smile, still holding up the red paladin’s weight.

“What happened?” Keith said, shaking his head as if trying to clear it.

“You passed out,” Lance told him, setting the other boy down on the bed and sitting beside him, giving Keith something to lean against. “The pod healed you but the blood loss made you a bit loopy. You refused to let go of me so I volunteered to carry you back here.”

“Oh,” Keith said, a flush making its way over his skin. “Sorry for making you carry me.”

“Don’t worry about it Mullet Man,” Lance said, one arm sliding around Keith’s waist to steady him. “You were pretty out of it.”

“Sorry,” Keith said again.

Lance laughed. “Here, eat this.” He handed him the other bar.

“Thanks,” Keith said quietly.

“No problem man.”

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Umm, you can go if you want,” Keith said uncertainly when the blue paladin made no move to leave him.

“And deprive you of my glorious presence?” Lance said with a grin. “Never. Besides, I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh,” Keith said quietly. “I feel much better, so there is that.”

“That’s good,” Lance replied. “So, what happened for our mighty Samurai to get so beaten up?” he asked.

“S’not my fault,” Keith pouted.

“I never said it was,” Lance placated him.

“They could actually aim for once,” Keith said. “I dunno why.” He sighed, leaning more heaving against Lance only to realise what was supporting him and straightening abruptly. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry,” Lance replied with a gentle laugh. “It’s what I’m here for.”

Keith tentatively leaned his weight against Lance again, as if waiting for the other boy to move away or push him off. When nothing happened, he allowed himself to rest more solidly against him.

“Thanks for carrying me here.”

“No problem Mullet.”

The pair sat, resting against each other, as the stillness of the room lulled them both to sleep. When the other inhabitants of the castle came to check on them, they found the pair curled up together on the bed, fast asleep.

“Let’s leave them to rest,” Shiro said. “Lance probably didn’t sleep very well on the floor last night.”

They left them to their slumber but not before Pidge took a few pictures for blackmail purposes. Who knew, maybe the boys would finally be willing to admit that they liked each other. If not, Pidge would have proof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	44. Family Rules

“Family meeting!” Shiro called, walking into the lounge where Hunk, Lance, and Keith were sitting. “Where’s Pidge?”

“Here!” They called, popping out of an air vent high up on the wall and hoping to the floor. “What’s up Space Dad?”

“First of all,” he said with a sigh, “you need to stop hiding in the air vents.”

“Not gonna happen,” Pidge replied with a grin. “It’s too much fun. And it gives me a way to get around without anyone noticing. The blackmail I’ve gathered; It’s glorious I tell you. Glorious.”

Shiro gave them an exasperated look, “We will be talking about your extortionist ways later, for now, we need to talk about the castle rules.”

“You’re going to need to write them down if you want us to remember them,” Lance said, leaning back against the couch and settling in for another Space Dad Lecture.

“Especially if you keep making new ones,” Hunk added.

“Fine,” Shiro growled. “I’ll make a list and post it like the damned Twelve Tablets of Rome. Be back here in an hour.” With that, he left the room, grumbling about finding paper and markers.

*

An hour later, the four youngest paladins were dragged into the lounge once again.

“What kind of rules do you think he’s going to put up?” Lance asked the others.

“Well, we already had one through six as official rules right?” Keith replied. “So at least that many.”

“He’s going to add way more,” Pidge said with a sigh.

“Why do you say that?” Hunk asked.

“Did you see the look on his face?” They snorted. “He’s 100% done and is going to make sure he gets every little thing.”

“We can always rebel if we don’t want to obey them,” Lance suggested.

“Take it from someone who grew up with him,” Keith said with a shudder. “Breaking his rules is not worth the consequences.”

“Rules were made to be broken,” Lance replied flippantly.

“Eh,” Keith shrugged. “It’s your funeral.”

“What did he make you do?” Pidge asked. “I remember Matt saying he made him run ten miles then do a hundred push ups just because he stole a cup of pudding from him.”

“Shiro may pretend to be a responsible adult, but he’s so freaking petty,” Keith said with a sigh.

“So glad you think so, baby brother,” the man in question said as he entered the room. “We’ll be having a chat about it later.”

“Shit,” Keith muttered.

“Language!” Shiro called back before moving to the wall and unfurling a large sheet of paper. “Now then, we have here some rules that should always be followed. I’m going to post the list in the kitchen, on the command deck and in here so you guys have no excuse to forget them.”

“What if something happens to the lists?” Lance asked innocently.

“Then you’ll all be running laps and doing training until you collapse,” he replied with a blinding smile.

“Right,” Lance gulped. “Nothing will happen to the lists.”

“So glad we agree, Lance,” Shiro said. “Now then, let’s go through the list. Number 1: No singing Whatcha Say during battle.”

“Aww come on Shiro!” Pidge protested. “Not even when it’s perfectly timed?”

In answer, Shiro pulled a red marker from his pocket and added ‘EVER’ in all caps at the end of the rule.

“It’s only the first rule and we’re already changing things,” Hunk sighed.

“Rule 2,” Shiro continued, ignoring the paladins, “‘But we have healing pods’ is not an excuse for deliberately harming a fellow paladin.”

“Damn it,” Keith muttered when Lance stuck his tongue out at him.

“Rule 3, the words ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ are never to be spoken on a mission again.”

“Oh yeah,” Pidge said. “Wasn’t that the time we all ended up in healing pods and Hunk almost lost his arm?”

“Yup,” Lance replied.

“Fun times,” Keith grinned.

“Will you stop interrupting?” Hunk asked the others. “Shiro is trying to talk.”

“Sorry Dad!” The three paladins chimed.

Shiro just continued on.

“NO ONE, especially Keith and Pidge, is allowed to sell another paladin to aliens. Even if they are promised really cool weapons and technology.”

“But they had boxes that were bigger on the inside!” Pidge was unable to stop themselves from protesting.

“And they had a really cool sword!” Keith added.

“And we almost didn’t get Lance back from the slavers you sold him to,” Shiro deadpanned. “Now then, rule 5 is that Pidge is not allowed to go for more than 30 hours without sleep.”

“Boo!” Pidge called.

“Quiet in the cheap seats,” Shiro called back. “Rule 6, no launching yourself (or anyone else) out of the airlock.

“Seven, Pidge is not allowed to lurk in the air vents and spy on people unless specifically instructed to do so for a paladin mission.”

“Awww come on!” They protested. “You’re ruining all my fun!”

“Collecting klance evidence and blackmail counts as an official mission,” Shiro told them.

There was a moment of silence.

“I can live with that,” Pidge said with a grin.

“What’s klance?” Keith asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lance told the red paladin, sending a glare at Pidge.

“Rule 8, Pidge and Hunk are not allowed to have competitions about who can make the biggest explosion in the lab. Rule 9, The same applies to Hunk and Coran’s cooking competitions. Allura refuses to replace the kitchen again guys.”

There was a chorus of boos from the younger paladins. Seeing a smirk appear on Keith’s face, Shiro quickly added another amendment. ‘Keith is not allowed to use the Red Lion to make the biggest explosion.’

Keith pouted at his brother who simply smirked at him before continuing.

“Rule 10, blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ into Keith’s room on loop all night is not allowed. ‘But he was being grumpy!’ is not a valid excuse. Eleven, no referring to the food goo as ‘soylent green.’” The paladins booed but were ignored again. “Twelve, no telling Coran or Hunk that you’re sending your meal back to the kitchen, it’s rude. Thirteen, Pidge is not allowed to build any Sci-Fi creatures unless previously approved by a responsible adult. Allura and Coran don’t count as they have no concept of what is acceptable for Earth. Ask Shiro.”

“Oh come on!” Pidge exclaimed. “Rover the Dalek was great!”

“No,” Shiro said with finality. “Fourteen, post-mission reports should not start with ‘So let me explain.’ Fifteen, the following words and phrases are never again to be uttered on a mission: ‘It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes,’ ‘I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d all die in a fire,’ ‘Go suck on a big bag of sausages,’ ‘I am the King of this planet,’ any memes, references to Hunk’s giant stash of weed, mentions of anyone’s genitals, and any form of ‘watch this,’ ‘hold my beer,’ or ‘YOLO.’”

“You’re taking all the fun out of missions,” Lance complained.

“Too bad,” Shiro grinned.

“How many more rules,” Keith groaned. “This is worse than the list you made when I started dating.”

“The guys you dated were all horrible and your taste couldn’t be trusted.”

Keith grumbled but didn’t argue.

“Number sixteen, Allura taking Shiro aside to talk to him does not count as alien abduction and it should stop being referred to as such. And neither does Keith going with the Blade. Seventeen, no red shirts are to be worn by the paladins. THEY ARE CURSED.”

“It was one time!” Keith protested.

“And you ended up in a healing pod, then slept with Lance.”

“We didn’t sleep together!” Keith said, blushing hotly.

“We found you asleep and cuddling in your bed Keith,” Shiro replied. “We have pictures.”

Keith didn’t reply, both boys blushing and refusing to look at each other.

The next rule was written in all caps and underlined ’18. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO CALL SHIRO “DADDY”, or tell Allura that it is a sign of respect again’.

Pidge cackled at the memory. The look on Shiro’s had definitely been worth the extra training he’d put them through. They wondered what they should teach the Alteans next. Maybe get Lance to help them convince Coran that ‘Bitch’ was a term of endearment and respect? That would be fun.

“Number 19,” Shiro read, “Rover is not a UFO. He has been identified and the term is incorrect, and number 20, trying to seduce the Galra guards is not a Voltron-approved tactic. Not even if you thought it was working that one time, Lance.”

“But it _was_ working!” Lance protested. “And he was cute!”

“The Galra are our enemies Lance,” Shiro sighed.

“But they’re so cute and fluffy,” Lance pouted.

“If you have to flirt with one of then, go for one of the Blades,” Shiro said, ignoring the slightly panicked look on Keith’s face.

“Eh. They’re all too serious,” Lance replied. “It’s mostly because the Glara’s reactions are so funny that I keep doing it.”

“Well stop. Allura was really concerned for you until Keith knocked out the one who started flirting back.”

“Fine,” Lance said with a pout, slumping back into the couch. “We done here? You’ve read all the rules on your list.”

“Almost,” Shiro told them. “Just one more then we’re done. Though I may add more things later.”

“Great,” Pidge drawled sarcastically. “What’s the last rule?”

“Number 21,” Shiro said as he wrote, “throwing things in the anti-gravity room does not count as throwing them out.”

“Booo,” Hunk called.

“Shush.” Shiro responded. “It’s getting ridiculous guys. Keith, I’m pretty sure I saw a basket of your laundry in there.”

“Didn’t wanna do it,” Keith said with a shrug.

“That’s not an excuse,” Shiro told him. “We have an automatic laundry system.”

Keith just shrugged again.

“Fine, whatever,” Shiro continued. “I want you guys to clean up the anti-grav room and tossing things into space is not acceptable.”

After receiving confirmation from the paladins, he stuck the list to the wall and turned back to the group.

“Now remember, these rules are going to be posted on the board in this room, the kitchen and the control room. Anyone who disobeys a rule or says they didn’t know it was one will be running fifty laps around the training room with gladiator bots on their heels and then be doing 100 push ups. Understood?”

The paladins gulped. “Yes, Sir.”

“Perfect,” Shiro said with a benevolent smile. “So glad we had this chat. I’ll see you guys later.”

He left the room, leaving four shell shocked paladins behind.

“I forgot how scary he can be when he’s exhausted,” Keith muttered.

“Well, at least we actually have the rules written down now?” Hunk suggested, trying to find a bright side.

“Yup! Now that we know the rules, we can figure out how to work around them and still do what we want,” Pidge said with a grin, turning to Lance and holding up their hand.

The pair high-fived and immediately started plotting to work around the new rules.

“They’re going to get into so much trouble,” Hunk said with a sigh.

“That’s their own fault,” Keith replied. “I’m honestly more inclined to help them.”

“Perfect,” Pidge called, overhearing him. “Come help us in our evil plots.”

“You sounds like a villain from a bad movie,” Lance told them.

“Muahahahaha!” Pidge cackled maniacally.

The others looked at the green paladin in silence.

“You’re far too good at that,” Keith said.

Pidge only smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life. Hope you guys like it!
> 
> Also, if anyone wanted to see the list in a more succinct form, here it is.
> 
> 1\. No singing Whatcha Say during battle EVER (added after)  
> 2\. “But we have healing pods” is not an excuse for deliberately harming a fellow paladin  
> 3\. The words “What’s the worst that can happen?” are never to be spoken on a mission again.  
> 4\. NO ONE (especially Keith and Pidge) is allowed to sell another paladin to aliens. Even if they are promised really cool weapons and technology.  
> 5\. Pidge is not allowed to go more than 30 hours without sleep  
> 6\. No launching yourself (or anyone else) out of the airlock  
> 7\. Pidge is not allowed to lurk in the air vents and spy on people unless specifically instructed to do so for a paladin mission  
> 8\. Pidge and Hunk are not allowed to have competitions about who can make the biggest explosion in the lab.  
> 9\. The same applies to Hunk and Coran’s cooking competitions (Allura refuses to replace the kitchen again guys)*Keith is not allowed to use the Red Lion to make the biggest explosion.  
> 10\. Blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ into Keith’s room on loop all night is not allowed. “But he was being grumpy!” Is not a valid excuse.  
> 11\. No referring to the food goo as “soylent green”  
> 12\. No telling Coran or Hunk that you’re sending your meal back to the kitchen. (It’s rude)  
> 13\. Pidge is not allowed to build any Sci-Fi creatures unless previously approved by a responsible adult. (Allura and Coran don’t count as they have no concept of what is acceptable for Earth. Ask Shiro)  
> 14\. Post-mission reports should not start with “So let me explain.”  
> 15\. The following words and phrases are never again to be uttered on a mission:  
> “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes,” “I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d all die in a fire,” “Go suck on a big bag of sausages,” “I am the King of this planet,” any memes, references to Hunk’s giant stash of weed, mentions of anyone’s genitals, and any form of “watch this,” “hold my beer,” or “YOLO.”  
> 16\. Allura taking Shiro aside to talk to him does not count as alien abduction and it should stop being referred to as such. (Neither does Keith going with the Blade)  
> 17\. No red shirts are to be worn by the paladins. THEY ARE CURSED.  
> 18\. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO CALL SHIRO DADDY (or tell Allura that it is a sign of respect again)  
> 19\. Rover is not a UFO. He has been identified and the term is incorrect.  
> 20\. Trying to seduce the Galra guards is not a Voltron-approved tactic. (Not even if it was working that one time, Lance)  
> 21\. Throwing things in the anti-gravity room does not count as throwing them out


	45. Too Hot, Hot Damn!

Keith wasn’t entirely sure how he had ended up here. He had been walking along the hall on his way back from the training room when a green blur had shot out of a vent and grabbed him, dragging him towards the lion hangars.

“Pidge?” He asked in confusion, looking at the green paladin as they pulled him down the hall. “What’s going on?”

“I’m doing modifications on Green but need another pair of hands,” they replied.

“What about Hunk?” Keith said, perplexed. He was usually the first person Pidge would go to for help with anything mechanical.

“He’s already helping,” Pidge told him.

“Lance then? I’m not really the best when it comes to fixing things.”

“He’s being… Lance,” Pidge said with a sigh.

“What do you mean?” 

“You’ll see,” they replied as they pulled him into Green’s hanger. “Hey Hunk, I found him.”

“Welcome back, and hi Keith,” Hunk called from Green, only his legs could be seen sticking out from the lion’s wiring. 

“Hi,” Keith replied. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to upgrade Green’s cloaking so we can hide for longer but it’s being finicky,” Pidge told him, making their way over to Hunk.

“And what do you need me for?”

“To pass us things mainly,” they replied. “Hunk’s too big to fit behind the panels and Lance is being a drama queen. Also, crawling back out to get things is annoying.”

“Fine,” he said with a sigh, “I’ll help.”

“Perfect,” they said with a grin.

“Hey Pidge?” Hunk called. “Where do you want the power lines to connect?”

“To the third and eight reactors.”

“Sounds good. Can you check the valve on C-23? I think it’s stuck.”

“Sure thing, here Keith, hold this,” they said, passing him a wrench and crawling into the Green Lion, “I’ll need it in a minute. Oh and ignore the drama queen hanging from the roof. He’s dealing with things.”

“Drama queen?” Keith said to himself, glancing up and finally noticing Lance. The blue paladin seemed completely unconcerned with the fact that he was hanging upside-down from the ceiling, swinging on a cable like it was a trapeze. 

“What is he doing?” Keith asked Hunk, mildly concerned that the other boy was going to fall to his death.

“Hmm? Oh he gets like that sometimes,” Hunk told to red paladin without concern. “He did gymnastic a lot as a kid and they ended up putting him on trapeze and aerial silk a lot so he just kinda reverts to it when he needs to think. He’ll just find somewhere he can hang upside down and stay there. I can’t count the number of times he’s scared me by suddenly swinging down from some hiding place. I swear I’ve caught him sleeping like a bat a couple of times. He didn’t seem to care that he was twenty feet off the ground.”

“So he won’t fall?” Keith asked worriedly.

“Nah, he’s fine. Right Lance?”

“Hmm?” The boy replied, as if waking from a trance.

“You good buddy? Keith is worried.”

“No, I’m not!” Keith protested. But Lance ignored him, blinking lazily.

“Hunk?” Lance asked.

“Yeah dude?”

“Girls are hot,” Lance said.

“We know Lance,” Pidge said, crawling out of a vent in Green’s side. 

“That’s what you were thinking about?” Keith asked, stunned but not all that surprised.

“Guys are hot,” Lance continued, ignoring or not noticing the other’s words.

“Wait, what?” Keith said, staring at Lance in shock.

“Why is everyone hot?” Lance complained.

“Global warming,” Hunk and Pidge chorused together, clearly this was a conversation they had had before.

“That doesn’t work,” Lance protested. “We’re not on Earth anymore.”

“The inevitable heat death of the universe?” Pidge suggested.

“I guess that works,” Lance said with a pout before closing his eyes again. “Hey Hunk?”

“Yeah bud?” Hunk replied, finally looking up from the panel he was working on.

“Does that mean I’m hot too?”

“Of course,” the yellow paladin told his friend.

“Okay then,” Lance said, a small smile appearing on his face and he returned to his trance-like state.

“What the fuck?” An astonished Keith said. “What just happened?”

“Lance,” the other two replied, as if blaming people’s attractiveness on the end of the world was a normal thing for them.

“Why did he want to know if he was hot though?” Keith asked in confusion. “He’s Lance! He basically thinks he’s God’s gift to the world!”

The other two looked at each other. 

“You’ll have to ask Lance about that,” Hunk told him with a sad smile. “Lance puts on a good show but all he really wants is for people to accept him for who he is. That’s all I can really tell you. You’ll have to talk to him if you want to know more.”

“Maybe,” Keith replied with a noncommittal shrug. “He probably won’t even remember this later.”

“Hmm maybe,” Pidge said with a grin. “He remembers your bonding moment so who knows what else he remembers.”

Keith stared at them for a moment before shrieking, “HE WHAT?!?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	46. Sleep is Just Practice Death

It was a few hours after a particularly rough fight with the Galra forces, all of team Voltron had showered and changed clothes they had regrouped in the kitchen to eat dinner. As the food was not quite ready, the paladins had sat on the table, all quickly giving in to the desire to collapse onto the table and try to sleep. Hunk alone had powered through and was helping Coran in the kitchen, making sure the food was edible for humans. Allura sat at the table with her paladins, almost as exhausted as they were.

“Do you ever just want to die?” Shiro asked after a few minutes, causing Allura to look up in concern.

“All the fucking time,” Lance groaned from the pillow he’d made with his arms.

“Same,” Pidge replied.

Keith merely grunted, not moving his head as it pressed into the surface of the table. 

“Are you… alright?” Allura asked, concerned for the wellbeing of her paladins. It would not bode well for the universe if the paladins of Voltron no longer had the will to fight.

“We’re just having a bad life,” Pidge muttered. “But it will be over soon.”

“What!” Allura exclaimed. “Are you dying? Is this something we need to be concerned about?”

“We’re fine Princess,” Shiro said with a deep sigh. “Just dealing with things.”

“Is… is this some kind of Earth thing?”

“Yeah, sure. That works,” Lance said, still not moving from the table. 

“Death and I flirt a lot,” Pidge told the others.

“Death and I have been scandalously intimate many times,” Lance deadpanned.

“I sucked Death’s dick in a McDonald’s parking lot,” Keith said, smirking when the others groaned at his comment.

“I’ll go see if Coran and Hunk need any help,” Allura said, quickly rising to her feet and scurrying to the kitchen. She should give the paladins time to relax, she told herself. Maybe that would pull them from their melancholy. 

“We might need to find new coping mechanisms if they keep getting worried about the darker ones,” Shiro mumbled to the other paladins.

“You can pry my unhealthy coping mechanisms from my cold dead hands,” Keith muttered.

“Mine too,” Pidge said.

“Same,” Lance added.

“Fair enough,” Shiro sighed. “I’d probably have a harder time if I couldn’t contemplate the sweet embrace of death.”

“Here’s to worrying the poor aliens around us with the usual human morbidity,” Pidge mumbled.

“Yay,” Lance said noncommittally, vaguely raising an arm in a semblance of a cheer. 

With that, the four collapsed back onto the table, each going back to their exhausted contemplation of the sweet release death could bring. Or sleep. Sleep would be good too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated! School is being a pain and I keep getting distracted by other fics I want to write (mainly for The Adventure Zone but I did publish a new Voltron one) I'll try to be more regular with updates but considering I need to graduate this year... yeah. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it!


	47. Space Weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm procrastinating on uni stuff so have a chapter! Also, season 5 was wild! Oh dear lord, I had so many emotions. If you need to, PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT IT ON TUMBLR!!!!

They had come across some strange phenomenon in space recently. Allura wasn’t really sure what they were but they seemed to have strange effects on the younger paladins. They had warped away from a Galra fleet, hiding in a remote star system and were floating in the void, waiting for Coran to run some checks on the ship after the last battle. The paladins were all in their seats, fiddling with controls or looking out at the stars when suddenly Keith straightened, staring at something in front of the ship.

“Keith?” Allura asked, concerned at what could elicit such a reaction from the confrontational red paladin. “Are you alright?”

“All Hail!” Keith droned, ignoring Allura.

The other paladins’ heads snapped up, Pidge’s gaze instantly snapped at the same anomaly as Keith. “All Hail!”

“God damn it,” Shiro muttered. “It’s the glowing cloud Princess.”

“Why would a gaseous cloud be able to control the paladins? Is it talking to them?” Allura asked, still confused.

“The Glow Cloud does not need to converse with us,” Pidge and Keith intoned together. “It does not feel as we tiny humans feel. It has no need for thoughts or feelings of love. The Glow Cloud simply is.”

“All hail the mighty Glow Cloud!” Lance and Hunk cried, also standing at attention by their stations.

“All hail!” Keith and Pidge said together. “Kneel for the Glow Cloud. Sacrifice. Pestilence. Sores. All hail the Glow Cloud!”

As soon as the cloud was no longer visible in front of the ship, the four paladins collapsed back into their seats, returning to their tasks as if nothing had happened.

“Paladins?” Allura called. “What just happened?”

“What are you talking about Princess?” Lance asked in confusion. “We’ve been sitting here the whole time.”

“No! You were all standing and chanting about hailing a glow cloud!” Allura protested.

“We were?” Keith asked.

“I don’t remember doing that,” Pidge muttered. “You, Hunk?”

“No…” he replied. “All I can remember is sitting here, though it gets a bit blurry for a few minutes.”

“Huh, weird,” Lance said. “I wonder what happened.”

***

They spent a few days in that area, the damages to the ship had been worse than previously assumed. The ship was mostly repaired and they were preparing to warp to a new location, but had been stopped by yet another space weather anomaly. The anomalies had become normal over the past few days, a new one appearing every few hours. The paladins had taken to calling the area the Space Bermuda Triangle. They had faced all kinds of things, and the younger paladins had taken to competing over who could come up with the worst pun about the weather battering the ship. Some elicited laughs, but most caused all the others to groan. So far the winner was Pidge. They had commented that their mind was clouded and that they might had mist something Coran had said as they passed through another gas cloud. 

That all changed when the ship had found itself being pelted by pieces of ice as they cruised through space.

Keith had looked Pidge straight in the eyes and addressed Allura. “Princess?”

“Yes Keith?” Allura answered from her post.

“We’re being hailed,” he said, completely straight-faced.

Lance and Hunk groaned.

Pidge glared at Keith. “I don’t know if I want to punch you or hug you right now,” they said with a sigh.

“I vote for punch,” Lance called.

“I want to cry,” Hunk added.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	48. You Can’t Sneeze If You’re Unconscious

Every so often, the Castle of Lions would come across a new planet that wasn’t included on the ten-thousand-year-old Altean Star maps. When such an event occurred, the paladins would be sent down to the surface to investigate the land and check the area for Galra ships and any resources that could be of future use to the rebellion and team Voltron. 

The lions were sent down and the paladins disembarked to explore the surface. The group soon found themselves trudging through a huge field filled with an impossible number of flowers. 

“This is a fertile land,” Lance said with a grand gesture, “and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land.”

“I don’t know why I was expecting anything more complex from you,” Keith muttered.

“No Firefly quotes,” Pidge said, punching Lance’s arm. “It makes me sad.”

“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” Lance cried dramatically, collapsing to the ground as if he was heavily wounded.

“Guys, stop fighting, we don’t know what any of this flora does,” Shiro said with a sigh.

“Paladins!” Allura’s voice came from over the helmet coms. “We have completed the analysis of the planet’s atmosphere and it should be safe for you to breathe. You may remove your helmets if you wish to do so.”

“Thank god,” Lance grinned, getting to his feet and removing his helmet. “I’m saved from the horrors of helmet hair.”

“Not that it really makes a difference,” Pidge smirked, pulling off their own helmet. 

“Fight me, Pidge!” Lance cried, tossing his helmet toward Hunk and taking off after the cackling green paladin. 

Keith pulled his own helmet off and put in on the ground near Pidge’s before wandering off a ways to look at a bunch of bright blue flowers. 

“Shiro?” Hunk asked, placing the blue and yellow helmets by the others. “Are you not taking your helmet off?”

“I’d rather keep it,” Shiro replied. “What if Allura tries to call us and no one hears because our helmets aren’t on?”

“Then she’ll use the speaker Pidge installed?” Hunk responded in confusion. “That is what it’s for after all. Besides, this field is amazing. I swear I can smell strawberries nearby.”

Finding no further excuse, Shiro grudgingly tugged off his helmet and placed it against his hip before taking a small breath. Mere moments later, he took a deeper one as the sweet smell of a multitude of flowers reached him, making him smile involuntarily. 

“Isn’t it amazing?” Hunk asked with a grin.

Shiro hummed noncommittally, gazing around him at the brilliant colours that seemed to stretch for miles. 

“I’m going to look for anything that might be edible,” Hunk told his leader quietly and left the black paladin to his quiet contemplation. 

Lance and Pidge had stopped chasing each other and were sitting a little way off, braiding flowers into necklaces and crowns. Pidge even seemed to have some woven into their messy locks. Keith had started picking the flowers he liked the most and was clutching a rather large bouquet of red, blue, and purple blossoms. Hunk had pulled out a pouch from somewhere and was putting various roots and fruits he found into it for Coran to analyse back on the ship. 

Shiro had settled down to rest, placing his helmet in his lap as he sank into a light meditation. 

“Shiro!” He heard Keith call. He looked up to find the younger paladins surrounding him, each with a crown made of flowers that matched their colour. 

He was startled to find Lance plopping a wreath of black and purple blossoms’ on his head, reaching up to touch them.

“Look at what I found,” Keith said gleefully, pushing the bouquet which had become absurdly large into Shiro’s face.

Shiro quickly pushed it away and took the wreath off his head, his face shifting into a scowl. The smiles on the paladins’ faces faded.

“Do you not like the flower crown?” Lance asked uncertainly. “We made one for everyone,” he said, holding up two more crowns, one pink and one bright orange.

“It’s not that,” Shiro muttered. “It’s just that-”

He was interrupted by his own treacherous body giving in to the urge to sneeze.

“God damn hay fever,” he snarled. “Thought at least space would be safe.”

“Sorry Shiro,” Pidge said sheepishly. “We didn’t know.”

“It’s fine, it should calm down once we get back to the Castle.”

It didn’t.

Keith, with some help from Hunk and Lance, seemed to have made it his mission to put flowers in every room in the castle. There were three bouquets in the dining room alone. Shiro, much to his displeasure, found his hay fever getting worse with every passing day. The paladins were completely unsympathetic and found it hilarious that a simple allergy could reduce their leader to a pouting child. He even went as far as refusing to explain hay fever to the Alteans, deciding he was too proud to admit to being affected by flowers.

“What is wrong with Shiro?” Allura asked Pidge and Lance one day after Shiro had refused to answer her queries. 

“Is he still claiming to be fine?” Lance asked with a sigh.

“He’s too proud for his own good,” Pidge told them with a frown before a devious idea popped into their head. “I’m sorry Allura, but we may have to look for a new black paladin.”

“Huh?” Lance said, glancing at them in confusion, only to start nodding along when Pidge elbowed him in the ribs. “Oh right, yeah. He might not survive until next month.”

“Oh dear!” Allura exclaimed, “What’s wrong? Are you sure Altean medicine can’t fix it?”

“I mean maybe,” Pidge told her, “but its deadly on Earth so Shiro probably doesn’t want to alarm you guys. I know he’s been grooming Keith to take over as the Black Paladin if anything happens to him.”

Allura didn’t stay to hear more, rushing off to find Coran to discuss a treatment plan and scour the databank for a possible cure for Shiro. The next few days, Coran and Allura followed Shiro around like mother hens, constantly checking on him and trying to insist he rest or submit to going into the pod. Pidge and Lance told the other paladins about their conversation with Allura and Hunk and Keith had joined the pair in planning a funeral for Shiro’s impending death. Allura had been all the more worried by the fact that her paladins had so quickly given up on their leader.

It took two weeks, and Pidge leaving fresh flowers on Shiro’s pillow every day, for the man to finally admit what was wrong. Allura attempted to ban flowers from the ship to make sure Shiro recovered, but no one could find all the bouquets Keith had made and, somehow, the boy kept getting fresh blooms from within the ship. Shiro’s hay fever subsided and he finally confronted the paladins about the joke they pulled on Allura. 

“You’re grounded,” he told the four of them.

“You’re not my real dad!” Lance yelled.

“I don’t have a dad,” Hunk said, thinking of his two moms back home. 

“And my dad went missing,” Pidge finished.

“Same,” Keith added. 

“Then stop referring to me as dad!” The exhausted man cried.

“Poor Space Dad,” Lance said sadly. “The fever’s gone to his head.”

“He may never recover,” Pidge continued.

“We might as well continue with the funeral plans,” Keith replied. “He’s delirious.”

“I hate all of you,” Shiro grumbled before retreating to the lounge where he collapsed face first on the couch and fell asleep. 

He awoke a few hours later to himself lying prone with a small pillow under his head and a blanket draped over him. He assumed one of the paladins had come in and made him more comfortable until he noticed that his hands were clutching something. Bringing the item closer to his face, he yawned and squinted blearily at it. He immediately regretted the decision. 

Too late, he realized that he was positioned like a body for burial and that the other had placed a small bouquet of purple, pollen filled flowers in his grip.

“GOD DAMN IT GU-” He was interrupted by his own body as he suffered a sneezing fit. By the end of it, he was curled up on the floor in a blanket burrito, having tossed the flowers to the other end of the room and was grumbling about evil little children and that he’d get them back for this. He never noticed the four giggling figures peeking around the door frame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... Hi. Before you kill me... IM SORRY!!! University became hell and then exams happened and yeah... life was crazy. I' m sorry guys. BUT! Now that it's summer and I've graduated, I'll hopefully be able to write and post more often. 
> 
> But as usual.... comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	49. Squint and Ignore the Illegal Bits

“What. Did you do?” Allura snarled, glaring at the four sheepish paladins sitting in front of her.

“It was Keith’s fault!” Lance immediately said, earning a smack on the head from Pidge. “Okay, it may have also been my fault,” he mumbled, “but I still blame Keith.”

“Of course you do,” Pidge said with a sigh.

“It was all our fault Allura, we’re sorry,” Hunk said his voice coloured with regret.

“Sorry isn’t going to fix the treaty with Cikora,” Allura snapped. “What in the name of the gods make you injure their sacred animal!”

“It attacked us!” Lance protested. “It was self defense!”

“It wouldn’t have attacked you if you hadn’t opened its cage! Now it’s missing and they’re blaming us!”

“The cage was too small! He was sad!” Hunk replied. “And it looked so fluffy and soft. We just wanted to pet it.”

“He was soft and fluffy! And everything was fine until that guard came along and scared him,” Pidge added.

“He was just scared and didn’t want to go back into the tiny cage,” Lance agreed with a pout.

“And what do you have to say for yourself Keith?” Allura said, turning to the silent red paladin.

“It could be seen as an act of mercy?” He suggested with a shrug. “If you squint really hard and ignore the illegal bits?”

“I give up,” Allura said with a sigh. “Your punishment is one hundred laps of the training room. Leave, I don’t want to see you until tomorrow.”

The paladins trailed out of the room in single file, leaving the princess to attempt to smooth the ruffled feathers of the aliens the paladins had offended. They shuffled slowly down the hall to the training room to start their laps. 

“Do you think we should tell her we snuck him on board?” Hunk asked in concern.

“Nah, she’ll find Spot eventually,” Lance replied, stretching his arms above his head. “Besides, she’d make us give him back and you saw the way they were treating him!”

“We are not naming a giant wolf Spot, Lance,” Pidge said with a sigh.

“If Hades can call the guardian of the Underworld Spot, they why can’t we?” Keith asked with a grin.

“Exactly! What Mullet said!”

“At least call him Cerberus,” Pidge said, knowing there would be no convincing Lance and Keith of another name.

“Great! Cerby it is!” Lance said happily, looping his arm through Pidge’s and skipping to the training room.

“Where the hell does he get his energy?” Keith wondered aloud.

“Who the hell knows,” Hunk replied. “I’ve been asking myself the same question for years and at this point I’ve just given up and added it to the list of Lance things.”

“How long is that list?” Keith asked curiously.

“Trust me Keith,” Hunk sighed, “You don’t want to know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cerby is a Dire Wolf, and looks like the biggest wolf in [this](http://paizo.com/image/content/PathfinderChronicles/PZO1108-Chapter1.jpg) appart from the fact that his fur is blue.
> 
> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	50. I have an announcement, but you have to promise not to get mad...

When Coran had announced another trip to the Space Mall, the paladins were ecstatic. Pidge wanted to look for more video games, Hunk was dying for a chance to get more food to experiment with, and Keith had found out that there was a weapons shop on the far side of the mall. Unlike the last time, Allura and Shiro had joined the team on their adventure, leaving Coran to stand guard in the Castle of Lions.

“I call dibs on driving!” Lance had called as soon as Coran announced the trip, and despite the others protests, he refused to let anyone else take control of the pod. Fortunately, they arrived at the mall without any mishaps, docking the pod before splitting off to explore. They had agreed to meet back up at the pod in three hours but only an hour later, their emergency alarms went off. 

All the paladins rushed back to the pod, noticing an increase in galra guards as they ran. 

They quickly settled into the hold and the pod took off. As the flew Lance’s voice came over the intercom. The others instinctively looked at the speaker in the ceiling.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. I have an announcement to make but first you have to promise not to get mad.”

“What did you do?” Shiro asked with a sigh.

“Yeah, what the fuck lance?” Pidge exclaimed. “You better not have gotten into trouble with the guards again. We got into so much shit with Kaltenecker last time. I didn’t even get a chance to pick up a new game!”

“Okay so you know how you told me not to flirt with aliens by trying to impress them by saying I’m a paladin of Voltron cause they might report me to the guards?”

“You did the thing,” Hunk said, not really surprised. After so many years of friendship with Lance he should have known that it was a bad idea to leave him alone. Lance’s brain could rarely be counted on for logic when someone pretty was involved. 

“I did the thing,” Lance confirmed over the speaker.

“For fucks sake Lance,” Keith snarled. “Couldn’t you keep it in your pants for more than 10 minutes? Do you have to flirt with every girl you meet?”

“I’m sorry okay? He was just so pretty!”

“Wait... he?” Keith muttered to himself. However, Shiro and Hunk noticed and exchanged a smug grin.

“He had this adorable fluffy black hair,” Lance said dreamily, “and gorgeous purple eyes and adorable fluffy ears.”

While Lance continued to describe the man he had found, Keith’s face slowly got more and more red as his brain tried to comprehend the similarities between the man and his own looks. Something that did not escape Shiro and Hunk.

Pidge, however, had a different view. “That sounds like a .... god damn it Lance! Were you flirting with a galra?!” Pidge yelled. 

Yes, that’s definitely what Keith was focusing on the red paladin said to himself, shaking his head. Not the fact that Lance could have been describing his twin brother. 

“Maybe?” Lance said. “He was so cute! I couldn’t help myself!”

“Lance, please refrain from flirting with Galra who are not from the Blade of Marmora,” Allura said with a sigh.

“But they keep shutting me down!” Lance protested. “And the younger ones just want to train all the time, they don’t do anything fun,” he said with a pout.

‘Lance has been flirting with the blades?’ Keith’s brain screamed. ‘How come he hasn’t flirted with me then?’ Keith smacked his inner self. 

‘That’s not the important part you useless gay. Lance is attracted to guys!’ 

‘But we knew that already,’ another part of his mind replied. ‘He’s mentioned it a few times.’

While Keith argued with himself, the others had come to an agreement to not leave lance alone in public. However, when to came time to decide who would stay with him, Pidge quickly cried “Shot not!”

The others followed suit ignoring Lance as he protested that spending time with him was a gift they should be grateful for. Keith paid the price for his inattention and didn’t even notice the argument around him until Shiro called his name. 

“Perfect, since Keith was last, he gets to babysit Lance next time we go somewhere.”

“What? Why mullet?!” Lance shouted. “I’m going to end up making sure he doesn’t run off and buy an entire weapons store!”

“Maybe that will keep you from flirting with people and ruining our fun,” Pidge replied snidely.

Keith was nodding along, not to Pidge’s reply but to Lance’s idea of buying an entire weapons shop. Why hadn’t he thought of it before? He’d never run out of knives that way!!

“Right it’s settled, Keith and Lance get to spend time together and keep their sexual tension away from the rest of us,” Hunk stated.

“There’s no sexual tension!!!!!” Lance screeched.

“As if I’d be attracted to Lance!” Keith exclaimed at the same time.

“Oh fuck you Keith.”

“In your dreams.”

“More like nightmares.”

“So you’re saying you have dreamed about me?” Keith asked innocently.

“That’s not what I- I didn’t mean- oh look we’re back!” Lance hurriedly exclaimed, turning off the intercom and landing the pod in record time. Before they could open the hold, Lance was already disappearing into the castle he only appeared briefly at dinner time to grab some food, refusing to make eye contact with anyone before vanishing once more into the parts of the castle only he had found during his explorations. 

After Lance vanished, Keith also excused himself citing the need for more training.

“How long do you think it will take them to figure out that they like each other?” Shiro asked Hunk.

“To damn long,” Hunk said with a sigh. 

“Wanna bet?” Pidge asked. “If we have to suffer through this we might as well get something out of it.”

“Why not,” Shiro replied. “Might as well have some fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.


	51. Drop a Chandelier on Your Enemies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a chapter in celebration of the new season that's coming out tomorrow!!

The castle of lions was playing host to a greatly disliked guest. Prince Lotor, son of Emperor Zarkon himself, and heir to the Galra empire himself was trying to convince Allura that he only had the best of intentions and wanted to help them restore peace to the universe by changing the way the Galra empire was run. 

Despite his rousing speech and PowerPoint presentation, team Voltron was skeptical about the prince’s intentions, Lance was particularly worried about the looks he kept catching Lotor sending Allura’s way. 

Lotor was standing across the room with Allura, gesticulating widely as he attempted to convince them that he meant no harm.

“If what I say is false,” he announced loudly, with a swooping gesture of his arm, “may the chandelier fall from the ceiling!”

Allura and the paladins gave the chandelier what could almost be described as a hopeful glance only to grin widely as a tiny, almost imperceptible, laser severed the chain holding the light, allowing it to crash to the floor with finality.

“Well then,” Allura intoned, trying to keep from laughing at Lotor’s baffled expression. “It seems the Castle of Lions has spoken, I’m so glad we settled that. It was lovely to meet you, please don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” She gestured to Coran and the chuckling Altean led the confused prince from the premises. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Lotor stated. “I’ll convince you, you have my word.”

As if to laugh at him, the top part of the chandelier snapped, tumbling to the ground with another clang. Once the prince was out of ear shot, the team burst into laughter.

“Oh my god,” Pidge gasped, “His face when the chandelier actually fell! That was amazing!”

Lance grinned at them, not even Shiro’s trademark disappointed dad look could dampen his good mood.

“Lance,” Shiro sighed.

“Yes, Dad?”

“You can’t just do things like that.”

“Like what?” The blue paladin asked innocently, hiding his bayard behind his back.

Shiro just sighed again, even he could admit that the situation had been funny. And it wasn’t like Lance had ruined their ties with an alien species. 

Pidge and Keith high fived Lance.

“Nice shot, sharpshooter,” the red paladin said with a smile.

“Thanks, Mullet,” Lance replied.

As Lotor had promised, he returned to the castle the next day, and the next. Each time he showed up, he left with the distinct impression that the Castle itself did not want him there. When he’d caved and asked the paladins if they knew anything about it, they’d told him that the Castle was haunted by a ghost who had followed them from their home planet and that the being often took offense when things were not to their liking.

“I almost got shot out of an air lock,” the blue paladin had told him morosely.

“And I got attacked when the kitchen came to life!” The yellow one insisted.

The days progressed and Lotor faced difficulties at every turn. He even followed the paladins’ suggestion and made an offering to the spirits with an elaborate dance and gifts but it did not seem to make a difference. 

He never noticed that the paladins had bags under their eyes from staying up to plan and rig all the traps they set for him. After all, he was only interested in Allura and the power she possessed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life! Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com)! Seriously, if you wanna scream about Voltron or any other fandom you see on my blog. I am here for all the fandom trash.
> 
> Also!!! Go check out my friend's new fic about Shiro and Adam and the Paladin's return to Earth!! It's called [Salaam Namaste Konichiwa](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15609279/chapters/36242022)


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